Ok, now it's autumn, what can DH do with DSS during contact?

[WakeyCakey45]

DH is court ordered to have 4 hours contact with DSS every other Saturday. While not specifically ordered, the court advised DH not to bring DSS to our home and to have "contact in the community". (Huge back story that i won't go into again now).

Over the last few months, that's been fine, because DH has varies pickup times to coincide with events going on locally - carnivals, ghost walks, festivals and fetes. But now, that calendar has dried up, and most of the local attractions/amusement parks etc have closed for the season.

So, what do "weekend dads" do with their DCs in the winter? We've never been in this situation before; last winter, DSS was no contact, and the years prior to that he's been a member of our family, so has been at home with us. There are a few parks they can have a football kick about in, and the beach is close enough to make a bus journey to, but there are no "indoor" activities close enough to travel to - we don't have museums/galleries and the like. Four hours is a long time to fill when it's wet, cold and windy. I'm beginning to understand why McDonalds is full of kids and dads

Any ideas?

Are there any art classes they can take or a cafe/pottery type place they can go to? 10 pin bowling, indoor go karts, breakfast and a movie, indoor trampolining?

Swimming

geocaching (wearing coats and hats)

National Trust/ English heritage or equivalent

would you be willing to go out for the contact time, if that is part of the backstory, and let DH see DSS at your home alone? (apologies if that is a very sensitive issue).

local coder dojo/ chess club or similar?

The library activities idea is a good one, thanks! Swimming might be ok, (although DH hates water, he'd go now and again) but there is undoubtedly baggage for DSS regarding swimming as he witnessed disputes between his mum and dad over his swimming lessons in the past (he no longer attends classes).

We do have a paint your own pottery place, but it's so expensive! It's the same with a lot of "indoor" things - bowling and skating works out at about £40 for the pair of them once you factor in the bus fares to get there and that's not including any drinks/snacks/lunch. We just can't afford that every two weeks - Ive been dipping into my DDs CB to cover the costs of Dahs contact over the summer and that's just the bus fares and a couple of £ entry fees now and again.

Let's hope the dry weather continues and that at least every other Saturday is reasonable enough for them to go for walks - even if they wrap up warm with boots on. (Sadly, just the practicality of obtaining a pair of wellingtons for him is likely to cause drama, though).

would you be willing to go out for the contact time, if that is part of the backstory, and let DH see DSS at your home alone?

Yes, I probably would, but even then, he won't come unless his mum says it's ok, and his mum doesn't agree. At the moment, DH is doing what his ex wants - turning up once a fortnight and taking DSS out to have some fun. As soon as he deviates from that (or she changes her mind again) then contact will stop. I suspect that whatever DH does, DSS will be no contact by Xmas - we're tiptoeing on eggshells to keep it going as long as we can, but want to avoid getting into debt while doing it!

It's a nightmare. My DH spent the whole winter with between 2-8 hours of contact that had to be out of the home. It was very expensive. Lots of cinema trips, soft play though I appreciate that's no good for your DSS.
I actually posted in chat asking for recommendations for things to do in the town he was seeing them in and got some good suggestions and then googled to find other ideas but yes, financially it crippled us.

Cineworld kids club cinema on Sat & Sun mornings (depending on the cinema) is £1 a ticket if you book online. I think Vue does similar and presumably the other do too.

I would definitely investigate the local surestart centres as they often do Saturday play groups for dad's and kids round here.

how about soft play centre? they are normally about a fiver per child round here so not mega bucks.

what about spending some time doing a local treasure hunt that you and dp could write yourselves or geocaching?

have you Google free days out in your area?

Why does it have to be out of the home :(
can it be round someone else's house like a friend or grandparent ?
How old is dss?

squirrels thanks for that - I'll take a look. They'd have to do something else as well (maybe pancake breakfast?) to fill the time - but at least the cinema is low cost, walkable and fills all those awkward silences that DH struggles to fill! He and DSS are virtual strangers to each other - DS tells him nothing about his life, and DH is too worried about mentioning the 'wrong' thing to talk to DSS about anything other than superficial stuff.

hamster DSS is 11 and it has to be out of the home because DSS refuses to come here as his mum disapproves.

There are no paternal relatives locally and there aren't any family friends who know DSS - it was never "allowed" by his mum when he was coming here so we avoided upsetting him.

Could they find a regular hobby such as father son indoor football. indoor rockclimbing, chess club, ten pin bowling - anything you join as a 'club' is going to be much cheaper than a one off activity.

I think libraries are a good idea. There are computers and books. Usually there are big tables for homework etc, so it would be possible to take a board game. Given that this is a free space, going out to a cafe for an hour or so might not break the bank....

NB Charity shops and Freecycle places may be a way of accessing suitable outdoor clothing at a modest cost.

I couldn't remember how old he is, at 11 you might be pushing it for some of the kids club films. My ds1 has just turned 12 and there are a lot which he thinks are too young for him (we still go cos ds2 is 8), but there are definitely some that appeal. What with getting there and back, adverts etc you are probably filling a couple of hours.

Hot soup and a kick-about in the park after?

Also second what others have said about the library and surestart things - although he is obviously too old for stay and play things. You might find something of interest.

Does your DH know any of his friends / parents - could he arrange something with them? If it lead to more of a friendship with your DH he might get some help there - offers of coming round for lunch & a play. Difficult when he can't reciprocate though.

Thanks marianne - I love the idea of them taking a board game to the library - and they could pick one from the local charity shop on the way there to play

We've looked at clubs before chipping but most require weekly attendance. DSS misses loads of weeks of the clubs he is enrolled in at the moment because of his mums work pattern (hence the previous disagreement between DH and ex over DSS swimming classes) and I think DH would be reluctant to reinforce the message to DSS that this is ok by doing the same thing himself.

That's absolutely terrible. I have more reasons than most to dislike my exh and make life 'difficult' if I wanted to but who would do that to a child? So that they are strangers? That must be so stressful for you all and it's so cruel

Does your DH know any of his friends / parents - could he arrange something with them?

DSS has just started secondary so we have no idea! There were never any "friends" at primary who he ever did the after school/play date type thing with - DSS mum threw a huge "jelly and icecream" birthday party for DSS over the summer, invited loads of the class, and we were told that only 3 turned up
He's socially very isolated - he doesn't spend any time outside his mums family unit, although much if it is in the care of his grandma who is housebound, which results in DSS being confined to the house, too.

Could he introduce him to fishing? If you have a local stocked lake / fishing club etc?

There are lots of clubs/memberships that don't require weekly attendance - ones where you pay to be a member but sign up to use a court/play a game. Squash, table tennis, gym, badminton, swimming pool - all kinds of things.

Even some of the ones that most people would go to weekly, as long as you are up front when you join, are accepting of OEW parenting restrictions.

Or they could go indoor climbing.

I think if it's cold and windy but not actually raining they could have fun outside. Wrap up warm, go to a park and take along a football/frisbee/bats and balls and try to keep running around and warm.

We're not in the UK so don't know if it's the same there - but what about volunteering at a dog shelter to take one of the dogs out for a walk? The shelters here are always looking for volunteers.

Geocaching is great fun and should appeal to an 11 year old.

Den building in a local wood?

Any friends with an allotment /small holding they could help out on?

Cycling? Make a 'training schedule' with weekly goals - finishing with a hot chocolate & a bun?

Volunteer for the afternoon at a local wildlife park / zoo/ animal park thingy?

Conker hunt?

Brass rubbing?

Any reasonably close free ruins or castles to explore?

Sounds really difficult however.

Thank you so much for all the suggestions

DH and I discussed them, and it turned into a bit of a journey of discovery; sadly, not in a positive way.

As we were going through the list, it became apparent just how much DSS mum has influenced his opinions and thinking.

For instance, DH is a cyclist (former national competition level) and teaching DSS to cycle was a big thing for him a few years ago. But, DSS became reluctant and stressed about it - it transpired it was because his mum was ridiculing him and putting him down, by saying that his lack of ability/progress proved what a poor teacher DH was DSS can't ride a bike.
We have dogs - DSS used to love walking and training them with us; until his mum made her disapproval clear (dangerous, dirty etc). So DSS won't go near dogs.
DH and DSS joined a local community gardening scheme in our area which grows and shares produce. But DSS mum objected because it brought DSS into contact with people who she didn't approve of - she's a bit of a snob so social housing tenants etc are "beneath her ". So DSS doesn't like gardening anymore.

But, despite those limitations, we do think DSS will be really into geocaching, so are going to look more into that, and maybe some volunteering at a local historical site. He's a screen junky so getting him out and about will be good for his health too - although I fear that he may resist too much fresh air and exercise. He's old enough to understand it's a consequence of his choice not to come home here, though.

That's all a bit sad isn't it.

I don't understand mothers who do this to their children, so hurtful :(

Still, he's 11 now and he is going to need to start forming his own opinions about things and perhaps that will mean DH needing to 'push' things a little bit - maybe taking the dog out with them, getting DS a bike that stays at your house that they can take out, rejoining a different gardening club etc.

Maybe DSD needs to learn to stop telling mummy dearest every single thing he does with his dad and learning the art of 'nothing much' when asked what they've been doing. Kids manage it when they've been to school and with friends.