Being tied to one place - feeling sorry for myself.

[riverboat1]

There is no point to this other than getting it off my chest and momentarily indulging in feeling sorry for myself.

I met DP while I was on a working holiday of sorts in his home country (ie not the UK). Fell in love, and thus my working holiday became indefinite.

Fast forward to now: we still live in DP's country, but DP has just been headhunted for a job in London with an amazing salary. It is pretty much his dream job, and it wouldn't exist here in this country. And it is my dream to live in London again, which I miss a lot, which is where my closest friends live and which is still my favourite city.

But it is out of the question as he has his DS here, where we live now.

I am not for one second suggesting he should actually take this job and move to a different country from his DS. He wouldn't consider it and I wouldn't want him to, I respect him more for being committed to being an active parent. And there is just nothing to justify DS having his hands-on father taken away from him.

But its just hard anyway. Its one of those things I never thought through during the whole falling in love stage, that by committing to a relationship with a man with a child you are committing to live in the place where the child is for the next 18 years. A massive part of choice about your future is taken away. I'm sort of stuck in a country I never intended to live in in the long term, though at the same time it's not as if I hate it or anything, I chose to come here in the first place. Its just that now I can't choose to go home again. Sigh.

Right, will try to snap out of it now and move on...

I can sympathise with that both as a stepmum and as a "biomum" (ha). I really don't understand why people say "you knew what you were getting into" because I really don't think that's true. It's a bit like having children of your own - you might have a vague idea but until you've actually done it you can't possibly know the extent to which it will have an impact on your life. And I don't subscribe to the view that we choose who we fall in love with either. I couldn't have walked away from my (now) DH when I realised how damaging his exwife is - he is the love of my life.

I just try and hold on to the idea that one day my DC and DSC will be old enough for us to move to somewhere that suits me better and it will be so much sweeter having had to wait so long :)

What is the normal pattern of contact with dss riverboat?

No chance of pursuading DSS's mum to relocate to London? Probably a long shot, but could be worth asking. You never know what her plans and ideas might be. I do have a friend who relocated to Australia, along with her DP, her DD and her ex (her DD's dad) and his GF as well!

Depending on the contact pattern,would it not be possible to move,nd get cheap airfares if its eow.as purple as said would dp be able to chat too his ex about it?.

But, you also have to think of the future for you all as a family, which includes your DSS.

Is it honestly better for your DSS to have his dad's career progression halted, opportunities stymied? What benefits would your DSS see, ultimately, with his father becoming more secure and financially well-off?

If you currently live in Australia and your DSS is four and your DP taking the job would mean seeing his son once a year - no chance. If you live in Italy and your DSS is ten and it would mean seeing him once a fortnight and both parties committing to alternate flights over London/Italy, hell yes he should do it, at least for a couple of years maybe.

More detail needed, I think.

totally understand. to a lesser extent I am in the same position. relocated far away from home when my marriage broke down and DS was a tiny baby. met a local man with a son and fell in love. the move to stay with relatives was only ever going to be interim while I got back on my feet, but we are settled here now and I would never ask my DP to move away from the county because he would be moving away from his DS. you couldn't pry his ex out of here with a crowbar and they both have really great support networks down here - so that's it!

I don't have a reason to move back up country right now, but I do feel a little restricted that all my friends and the rest of my family are so far away and there really isn't any option to ever relocate.

however - I live on the beach and the quality of life here - particularly for kids is amazing. so I won't complain...

Thanks for replies all.

We officially have DSS EOW Thurs - Mon, but in reality more than that as the arrangements are all very flexible. Often 2 weekends out of 3, plus midweek things like school plays, parents evenings, football matches etc.

100% unlikely that ex would want to move to London, for a start she doesn't speak English, has lived in her home town all her life, has her parents here who she relies on for childcare, plus she is married and has her DSD, DH and DD to think about.

I couldn't make the case that DP's career will suffer if we stay, he's still on a very good salary here.

Let's say we moved and paid for DSS to come over every other weekend. It would mean a 4 hour minimum door-to-door journey for him. He is 9 so currently too young to do journey alone. Plus he's getting to the age where he wants to see his friends more and more at weekends and is on weekend football teams and stuff, it would be impossible to integrate all that with spending every second weekend in another country.

I think nomore is right, the thing to do is focus on the future, in 9 years DSS will be 18 and more opportunities will be open to us.

I fully appreciate how you feel. I remember talking to a colleague who was unable to progess career wise as it would mean moving way from his DCs. At the time, I thought he was bonkers - but I wasn't parenting apart from DDs dad then!

My DH accepted redundancy during a restructure rather than relocate away from the area a few years ago - ironically, he now has no meaningful contact with his DCs anyway; he has often wondered if he'd have more contact if he was living away - ex has a "pay per view" attitude towards contact so if she gets less CM, he sees them less!

Yes maybe best to stay put for now. But at 14 children can fly unacompanied on most airlines, so you could start thinking about possiblities then - only 5 years away. Parenting becomes less about childcare, and more about what things you do together/for them as they get older too. Quality time in the holidays, skype and increased financial support could make a reasonable alternative to the precise contact pattern you have at the moment in a few years time.

I understand completely as my DCs father has just moved to the other side of the world to be with his family so they have gone from seeing him practically every day to just talking on Skype. They are in their teens though so next year maybe they can fly out and see him or vice versa

My DH has turned down 2 fantastic opportunities in the past, before we met. One was at Durham University to study Biochemistry when he was 20. Didn't want to move so far away from his then 4 year old. But later that year his exP and her new DH moved 250 miles away due to her new DHs work. DH still did the weekly round trip to fetch his DS for the weekend. Every weekend. 2 years later he got the opportunity to move to Canada and again turned it down. (I'm glad he turned both down or we probably would never have met haha) But I can relate to your issue. DH was fuming that his exP moved so far away taking his kid after hed turned down the massive opportunity at Durham.

I appreciate this is a difficult situation too. I'm originally from up north but moved to London 7 years ago for work. I met DP about 18 months ago and if I hadn't met him when I did there's no doubt I would have gone home by now.

I've taken him home a few times and he absolutely loves it up there. We've both commented that we'd love to move if we could. The lifestyle is so much more relaxed and we'd actually be able to afford to buy a house which we could never do down here. However DSD is 4 and because he's a fab dad, he'd never entertain the idea of moving away from her for many years to come. Which leaves me with an amazing partner who is 100% doing the right thing, but also the probability of renting for the next 12 years, living in cramped busy london where neither of us really want to be. And if we decide to have kids of our own, we'd then be faced who the prospect of moving them 350 miles away halfway through their schooling!

Ah well, it's not the end of the world I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself too!

I feel your pain. And my own DS's choices are restricted because we're effectively 'tied' to this area because it's where DSS lives. I respect my OP's commitment to his son absolutely, but it's hard to have, in effect, no choice as to where we can live.

Totally understand. It's hard isn't it? It's a totally different life to what one expects. Lots of avenues that were once open no longer are. Some days it's just difficult to focus on the positives.

No useful advice, sorry, but sympathy. x

It is tricky. I think for now, you will have to stay put and look to the future. It's all many of us can do really. I would like to move a little nearer my parents but I don't think that's ever going to be possible now, not just because of DSDs but also because DP is overly attached to our corner of world. We'll need a bigger house soon and he's reluctant to face the fact that we'll have to move outside his little comfort zone to afford it.