How does this sound?

[thebluehen]

Dsd1 still comes for regimented contact time as per a rota she's has complied with since age 10. She's now working full time and 18 years old.

She lives with us a third of the time.

I had assumed once she was working, she would be less rota compliant and I wouldn't have had had to think about how she can contribute to family life on a part time basis as she would have either spent more time at mums, more time out and about with friends or upped sticks and lived with us full time.

She doesn't go out and lays on the sofa from Friday eve to Monday morning. She also contributes very little in the way of chores.

So dp and I have discussed it all and are considering the following;

I have worked out her "cost" as a percentage of the groceries. I have also worked out her "share" of the household bills. She also always wants to come out with us, if we go out, so gets at least two nice meals out a month. She also always helps herself to alcoholic drinks, at ours.

She's been working for 6 months full time and brings home around £950 a month. We bought her a car and pay the car insurance and her mobile phone.

We are thinking of asking for £50 a month and asking her to do her own washing and buy alcohol for herself if she wants it at ours and she has already agreed to pay her mobile phone bill. This amount only covers her groceries but not everything else. We intend to make it clear that it's a "contribution" to our home.

I know some people don't agree with charging adult kids keep and if she was a "visitor", it would be different but she has 7 meals a week from our home and I feel that's not "visiting" and she should now be starting to contribute something.

Totally agree, I was always told once I was working I needed to contribute

It would be good for her (character-building, less selfish) to start contributing financially. However you choose to calculate it, that's down to you and her DF, that is probably less to the point. She will start to appreciate how lucky she is, if she has to put her hand into her wallet and have to work out how much things cost (the alcohol, free?? meals out, expecting to be paid for??)

And after already having 4 x week long holidays this year and several weekends away, we are waiting for her to bother to let us know if she's coming with us on a weekend away (that we will pay for). Sigh.

Why? Set a dead line for her to get to back to you (not a third party) and if you don't get an answer by then, go without her.

Ps, I was never aloud to touch the parents alcohol, 18 and working or not.

I think it sounds reasonable. It's only really covering her food, which she ought to be starting to pay for now that she's working.

How do you think she'll react though? Is she likely to say "well I'll just stay with my mum then"? And how would your DP (and you) feel about it if she did? Does your DP still feel he needs to have his kids as many nights a week as he possibly can, or is he more relaxed now with DSD1 now that she's of normal leaving home age?

When I lived at home, I earned about £1100 a month and paid £250 a month rent, put petrol in my mum's car if I used it, was expected to do chores and certainly wouldn't have been allowed to lie on the settee all weekend!!
She doesn't know she was born!! Kick her arse!!!!!

Apparently she's being asked to pay for one weeks shopping per month at mums. Probably about £150. So she's been paying around £200 keep in total.

She sheepishly offered some money a few weeks ago after she heard me being annoyed with dp for letting her take and drink the remaining half a can of my cider!

I think she'll pay it but begrudge it. She's unfortunately been constantly told by mum to "use dad for money". (I've seen the texts).

£200 a month seems fair to me for living at yours and her mums

When I started work 10 years ago I paid £30 a week out of about £150 wages and I managed fine

I agree it sounds fine but I would also consider making sure she is saving something to pay for her car insurance and tax when it next comes around!

OP - I think your suggestion is perfectly reasonable. If you're a working adult, then you should expect to pay towards your living costs. I'm never quite sure when this 'living across two households' should come to a natural end, that's always struck me as an arrangement for young children with separated parents, not working adults (but that's probably a whole new thread) but this arrangement does not negate the costs that are incurred - for example if you split your life across two hotels each week, there would still be a bill from each one.

Sounds OK then. Presumably if she was to go to her mum's full time, her mum would start demanding more money off her anyway. And pro-rata-ed you'd actually be charging her slightly less than her mum is, so about time you were.

It is hard when they're given the message that their dad is to be used for money, as it rather undermines efforts to help them become independent.

My DH's ex believes - amazingly - that not only should DH fully support his children through university (she doesn't think they should get loans like the rest of the population, nor work), but that he should also go on paying her some money with which to feed them in the holidays - ie the half of the holidays that he's not already feeding them because they're living with us....

Purple, I think it really does stunt the kids emotional development when they're told to fleece the other parent for money.

Dsd1 aged then 15, told me I didn't need to work because her dad should keep me. We have no young children so I am fully capable of working. It just shocked me that a young woman of her generation would think like that.

Yes, that happens to my DSDs too - their mum has openly told them that they need to marry a rich man. What kind of a message is that to send out to young girls? DSD1 is really bright and doing brilliantly academically - she doesn't need a rich man! Fortunately she's got a good sensible head on her shoulders. I worry more about DSD2 who's much less confident and finds it hard to stand up to her DM.

Of course she should be contributing financially, and in household chores, whilst she's under your roof! It never fails to amaze me how many parents don't expect their kids to pay 'Lodge' when they start to earn a regular wage. They absolutely should, how else will they learn to budget and how to run a house...I have sen many friends spoilt children totally lost and panicking when they first leave home! Teach them what they need to know if you want them to become responsible adults! Oh right....sorry pet-rant over! ??

Your approach sounds really sensible and reasonable.

It also sounds like the same approach you would have if she were your own child.

Apart from the cost, asking her to buy her own alcohol will help her keep track of the amount she is is boozing. Unless she is one of those amazing self-moderating teens!

Agree with everyone else - and I don't think a financial contribution (unless it was enough to pay for a cleaner!) should allow her to continue swerving doing any chores either.

Also, re: this 'always wanting to come out' with you .... well, if you're happy for her to accompany you then I think it's about time she started paying for her own meal .... just as most adults do when they go out with other adults. If you want to occasionally invite her then that's a bit different, and it wouldn't be wrong per se to treat her then. However, if she's invited herself then she should pay her way - and of course, you are also at liberty to say 'sorry, we'd like to go out on our own and have some couple time together' - it's not as if she can't look after herself.

OP - I realise it was September when you started this thread, have there been any developments?