Taking step daughter to and from school and home

[Annamatmel]

Hi everyone

Good to meet everyone, this my first time on here.

I have a ten year old step daughter, most of the time we get on well, that is not to say there have never been any issues along the way. I don't have children of my own. She came over from Brazil last October having spent most of her life in the care of her grandmother. Now she lives with her mother and step dad and visits us on weekends and during the holidays.

Communication with my step daughter's mother and step dad has mostly been done on a facebook thread that everyone can see.

Generally I do what I can for my step daughter in the way of cooking, cleaning, activities of different sorts. And I tend to organise with her mother the dates we will take her, making payments etc as my husband is not always so organised in that way. So I feel that I do my bit.

But now I am getting really annoyed about one thing. We live in South London near Croydon. They live in North London near Highgate. In the beginning, when we first started taking the little girl in October last year, her mother would often bring her daughter all the way to our house on transport, and sometimes had a lift from her partner. As it is quite far, I started to meet them half way, as often my husband had to work late. When my husband is not working he goes to take her or we both go. Sometimes he has to go all the way up to his daughter's school in Highgate to pick her up if her Mum and step dad say they cannot pick her up from school.

There was one occasion when I was told that neither the mother or step dad could pick her up from school. Neither could my partner, so I went up there myself. I didn't realise how long it would take to get there. I takes ages to drive up there: 4 hours there and back altogether, probably more with Friday night traffic. It takes 4 hours to go by transport and you have to take a train then a tube then a bus. Anyway, when I got there the step dad was just sitting at home and made some excuse.

Since the early summer the mother has always asked to meet half way and the step dad has stopped helping out so much with lifts. In fact they have only been down to our house once in the last few months and that is probably because it was convenient as they were visiting friends in south london.

Last week the mother sent us a message on Tuesday 23 Sep saying that on Friday 26 Sep both her and her partner were going to work late, so could either me or my husband go and pick up the girl from school. I felt really annoyed. I do not think it is my responsibility to have to go all that way. I don't even think it is my responsibility to have to do pick ups at all, I only do it to help out because it is so far. For whatever reason I don't see why I should have to travel for 4 hours or more to do that. Luckily my husband was not working and went to pick his daughter up.
If you do not agree with me please let me know, I am not here to argue but to hear other people's opinions. I would really like to know other people's opinions regarding how much it is a step parent's responsibility to to pick up the step child and take them home. Or whether there are no rules and it is more about what is fair - like if the mother and step dad are not pulling there weight why should I?

It's the responsibility of your partner and his ex - ie the child's two parents. Not yours or the step dad's. Up to you whether you want to help your partner out by doing some of the traveling for him. But I find it much better to leave my DH to do all the discussions over transport with his ex.

There's a private messaging function on FB - suggest your DP uses that not a public discussion. And leave it to him and his ex to discuss things. He can then ask you separately if you can help out. I often do help out with my DSC but that's because I chose to do so (to help my DH) and not because their mum expects it of me.

You might also want to remember that mumsnet is a public forum and you've put quite a few details in your post (where you live, that DSD has come over from Brazil) that would make you very identifiable to anyone who knows you. So take care what else you say.

Thanks so much purpleroses, good points all the way x

Hiya, I agree that it should be up to the parents to arrange transport/exchanges, the problem is that as you have been doing it, it will now be expected and you may have a bit of unpleasantness when/if you try and stop. I have experienced this myself. However if you no longer want to do it, I would tell your partner and give am end date and then stay strong.

Is there any reason your dsd couldn't do part of the journey by herself? There are plenty of 11 year olds who travel to school across London by tube/train and she's only a bit younger than that?

Thanks Themrmen, I think that is what I have been experiencing, some of the backlash. Good for you that you said no. I'm ok to go some of the way to where it is convenient for me, but I don't want to be asked to go here there and every where. That's the point I want to make with them.

Yes PetraArkanian, maybe in the near future my dsd could do the main part of the journey by herself, she's probably a bit on the young side to do it at the moment. Thanks I hadn't thought of that.

I think you've done what many of us do at the start and tried to be helpful, genuinely wanting to do the best to help, make your step daughter feel wanted, and make your husbands life as easy as possible letting him know you accept and love his child. But as also so often happens it's been taken for granted and now you feel out upon.

You need to let your husband know in a calm way that although you want to help, you are feeling resentful of the way it's expected of you and that he needs to step up. I understand he works but what would he do if he were single? Does him seeing his daughter rely on someone else doing all the work?

I can understand why mum and stepdad don't want to do everything and so can you because you feel the same way

Speak to your DH.

That's exactly it conned, you do it to be supportive and nice and then suddenly it's expected and god help you when you try and stop, suddenly you hate the dsc and are evil. Best to extract yourself early