DP can organise childcare for his children without his ex's input, can't he?

[spidernightclub]

I'm pretty sure, having lurked on this board for a while, that when parents aren't together anymore and one of them needs to organise childcare, they can organise childcare of their choosing (i.e. not necessarily in partnership/with the agreement of the other parent). Obviously, ideally, the parents will agree, but if not (or if it's an emergency) the parent can delegate their children's care to whomever they wish – family, friends, registered childcare, etc – as needed. Is that right?

And if so, can anyone please link me to something decisive online which spells this out - an authority on this kind of thing? I haven't managed to find anything on this specifically.

We're having a few issues with DP's ex (well, the latest of many TBH), and she insists on being the ONLY port-of-call should DP need any cover when he has their kids – especially including when I go into labour in a few months' time! Except she spends most of her time half-an-hour away with her boyfriend, drinks a bottle of wine a night (great for having to drive to us in an emergency ), and would do anything to wield control over DP/me/our life together, particularly during something sensitive/potentially stressful like labour.

There is no way that my chances of a calm and peaceful, child-free labour (or an emergency dash to hospital) are going to rest in the hands of DP's controlling ex rocking up to take the kids! But she says that because she and he have parental responsibility, he HAS to contact her whenever he needs childcare and he MUST NOT ask anyone else or organise any care plans without her involvement.

I need to know if we're right in believing that DP can organise whatever emergency (or regular) cover he thinks fit for his kids (we have reliable, close-by family and friends lined up to help when the baby's due, just in case). And if we are right, DP could do with something authoritative to present his ex with to effectively say look, I can organise childcare of my choosing when the children are with me, so back off.

Thanks.

spider i think you may be over thinking it. IF you go into labour when step kids are with you and you ask a nanny or an aunt or a childminder to have them when you go to the hospital how can your step kids mum stop this arrangement. Just do it and don't tell her.

No point rocking the boat about something that might never happen. Also half an hour drive away is not far. She can get a cab to collect her kids from you if you have to go to hospital,

Ignore the new baby issue, what would happen if your DH fell down the stairs say and had to go to A & E, in reality you would probably leave the kids with a neighbor ans rush to hospital.

Thanks, Lasvegas. Yes, I could be overthinking this - I was just so cross last night reading the dictating email she sent to DP. I'm still seeing red mist maybe?!

However, there is a reasonable chance of the DSCs being with us when labour kicks off (baby's due over a holiday period when the children will be with us about half the time), so I do think it makes sense to have short-notice childcare plans in place. And DP's ex is getting quite aggressive and domineering about him having to ask her first when he needs emergency childcare, and to run all childcare plans by her. She's suffocatingly controlling.

And while half-an-hour isn't far for reasonable people eager to help, she'd happily make it take a couple of hours to be awkward, and wouldn't dream of spending money on a cab if she'd been drinking; she'd just say she couldn't help.

So all this is why we've made other back-up plans. DP just wants to be able to say to her that the way he's going about organising childcare isn't wrong and doesn't need to involve her, to get her off his case. She won't listen to him, but seeing it in black and white from some other authority might shut her up.

Thanks again.

FWIW I am about to go through this from the other side, as my ex is about to have a baby with his new DW.

When it comes to contact/cover for labour I have asked them to stick to the usual contact arrangement, (for us EOW) but have offered to come collect the DC if his DW is in labour or hang on to them if this happens directly before the DC are due to go to their house.

I've also asked him to think sensibly about it and make sure DGP or someone else is warned and able to collect them in case of emergency too. TBH I'd be a bit peeved if I was the ONLY port of call and expected to drop everything (possibly in the middle of the night) etc. There's an hour's drive between us.

It's about balance. I do think in your case the ex is being a bit OTT not 'allowing' anyone else to be a standby, but she's probably feeling emotional about the situation and may also be anxious about how your SDC are going to feel if/when the baby arrives so she may want to 'be there' for them at the time. It's coming off controlling, and no doubt pissing you off (which I can understand - you want to feel secure and supported right now, and her potential need to feel protective of her own kids isn't your priority)

In general yes, your DP should be able to make decisions about childcare. I wouldn't expect to have a final say on incidental childcare at my ex's any more than I'd run it past my ex if my parents cover a work event for me one evening for example. However covering labour isn't a run of the mill situation - purely because it touches all kinds of nerves on both sides.

I would just try to remember that while it's an emotional issue for you as it's your baby, it may be emotional for the ex because it's NOT her baby. Probably not what you want to think about, but nothing in life is simple with SDC is it? We're all dealing with human beings with all our flaws and emotional lives as well.

Why not agree to call her asap but have your own backup in place regardless. She doesn't need to know until the time but you know you're covered if she can't drop everything and come.

My waters broke in the dead of night, when dsd was sound asleep. Grandparents came over and kipped on the sofa, then arranged for dsds mum to collect dsd at a time that suited her (although were fully prepared to have her for the remainder of the contact weekend). Perhaps think through something like this, so the ex isn't the first port of call, but gets called as soon as is reasonable.

I'd just thank her for the offer of being willing to have them, then make whatever arrangements suit you and DH best, and the DSC will be happy with. You could always send them to some other friend or relative temporarily and she could pick them up from there if she wants. And every chance you'll go into labour when they're not with you anyway so it may not even arise.

Yes, your DH should be free to make whatever arrangements he likes during his contact time. Playdates, him going out for an evening and leaving them with you or with a sitter, after school clubs, etc should all be fine. Only if he was regularly dumping them on someone else for extended periods of time would she have a case to argue that the current contact pattern wasn't in their own interest if she could care for them herself for more of this time, and even then it's arguable either way.

My understanding is unless you farm them off overseas she has no right to dictate. Try not to rise to the bait. Put plans in place, tell her things will be well organised you have her number and of course someone will call her if needed. She doesnt need to know what the plans are. if you tell her what the plans are it will just add fuel to her fire. It's an emotional time all round try not to let this become an issue for you.

I think the other parent should always be asked first as children with separated parents are shunted about enough, and avoiding extra child care where possible would be less disruptive.

However if the other parent in question is going to be a PITA over it then your DH should just make his own arrangements!

I not sure of there is anything online that will confirm it but we had a similar issue during mediation for dp and exw divorce. she said dp had to call her and not arrange himself and when he said ok but I expect the same in return she had a fit! mediation solicitors basically told her that she had no right to dictate childcare arrangements when kids were with their dad. when with him it was his responsibility to arrange care if he was at work/ill /busy etc same as she was free to do the same on her days. she hates it but has no leg to stand on.

I would perhaps consult a solicitor and ask them to do a letter explaining that as their dad he can chose who looks after the kids when with him etc