Older SC ignoring and exclusion

[Paulo1]

Hi

I have lurked quite a while but this is my first post in the Step Parent forum A bit of background I would not class myself as a SP as BF and I dont live together we each have our own property but have been seeing each other for nearly two years and spend quite a lot of time together (one night a week and more often then not every other weekend) Although we have never discussed it both our actions indicate we are both keen on blending our two lives more and we actively work towards that We have both met the others extended families and we both talk about things we would like to do in the future I have 2 sons DS116 and DS2 13 BF has 3 children DS 21 DD18 DD 17
BF is lovely - kind loving attentive The eldest lives with him and all credit to him he makes a real effort to spend as much time with the younger two as possible I encourage this as I believe it is the best and right thing to do The only fly in the ointment 'for me' are his childrens behaviour I have witnessed all three of them being polite and respectful (to their grandparents and my parents) but their behaviour towards their Dad and around his home is not appropriate (IMO) Not only do they exhibit the usual teenage behaviours of being self absorbed, self centred and lazy treating their Dad as a walking wallet (bad enough but I realise quite usual for teenagers) they are extremely rude to him, contemptuous, dismissive and totally exclude him from conversations and decisions where he should have an active role. As he is prepared to except this behaviour I, an adult, have made a decision that I will not get involved The only exception is when they have obviously ignored me and I have spoken to BF and he has addressed that with them Now they tend to do the bare minimum around me 'Hello Goodbye and answering my interested questions For the time being I am prepared to put up with this and try and build better relationships with them However when they are the same with my children I am not! In our attempts to not only spend some time together but also give our respective children the chance to get to know one another we have organised meals out days and nights out and celebrations (Birthday's, Christmas Anniversaries Parties and BBQ's) and my children(the younger of the two sets) do their best to engage- asking questions, remembering things that have been talked about the last time they met showing interest in the things they have done etc But, similar to what I am met with all they get back is 'Hello Goodbye and Yes No answers' and then detachment and exclusion from their 'little group of three'
Understandably my two are a tad fed up with this To my knowledge my BF is totally unaware of the impact of this behaviour or if he is he has not thought to mention it although he has mentioned he notices his children are like this and mine do well in continually trying to be social
We have been invited to my BF parents anniversary meal at the weekend but my youngest who is not backward in coming forward in terms of expressing his opinion is now refusing to attend advising he prefers to stay at my parents instead of going I know this is going to commented on by my family and BF's family and am unwilling to gloss over it as DS2 being unsocial but what do I say and how do I say it??
OH wise MN's how do I go about resolving this issue or even if it cant be resolved finding a way for us all to live with it?
Thank you for reading and sorry its so long!

They are all old enough to choose not to play happy families.

Let your DS stay away from the party, he doesn't want to go.

Reduce your expectations of all the DC/DSC and just enjoy your BFs company as much as possible.

Blending families and keeping all DC happy is bloody difficult.

Hi YouAreMyRain
Thank you for you reply - something fo rme to think about
I am, as you mentioned ,realising how difficult it is/will be

I understand your frustration however we are not talking about young kids, they are teenagers I'm the case of yours and youngest dsd but the older dsc are adults. you need to massively lower your expectations. not everyone is going to like everyone and you would be setting yourself up to fail to expect otherwise.

IMHO none of them are young enough to successfully blend in the way you want I am afraid. and unfortunately if you push the issue you will cause yourself more Issues and heartache.

as long as they are civil and polite then I am afraid you need to accept that as the best it is going to get

if you can't accept that then you may need to rethink your relationship with bf sorry

Hi Wheresthelight

Thank you for your reply so reduce my expectations seems to the way forward which is fine if not a bit sad The thought that if we continue we are possibly always going to be met with polite detachement is grim especially when you consider it could be so much nicer but perhaps I just need to stay in the moment and not project into the future
Once again Thanks for your response

I think you need to look at it more in terms of adults in the work place - some will be the best of mates whilst others will be polite but only tolerate others.

it is still very early days and they clearly need time to adjust. if they are being polite but detached then settle for that and don't try and force more and you may find with time things become more natural

Yes that would be a way to view it and is possible for DS1 and myself but with my DS13 (and an immature 13) its not so easy but I guess I am going to have to find a way to help him manage his expectations and not accept that many invitations to family gatherings!! Which is a shame because BF's extended family is very social and inclusive - its tricky

At 13 you risk alienating him if you put pressure on him to attend events that he doesn't want to go to. It's better to accept his wishes and see if he chooses to engage of his own accord. He may not, but with dc of the ages that yours are, you really need to focus on your relationship with your bf being about the two of you.

OK so no pressure but I want him to know that I do want him there but will accept if he does not want to go(which I have told him)
Our relationship being about the two of us goes against most things we are told to beleive though doesn't it? We do value our time when its just the two of us but we both genuinly want to spend time togehter with our famillies and thought that the best thing to do - to include them. I dont think the older ones dont want to be included because more often then not they attend but as mentioned they are not very social when they do but as you have both pointed out I need to lower my expectations for now and hope as time goes on it improves

Can you say that the disinterested behaviour from the other 3 has made him feel unwelcome and he doesn't wish to intrude? I do think (gentle) honesty is the best policy.