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DP obsessed with his eldest son

5 replies

HotWaterNLemon · 22/09/2014 14:52

My partner has two sons. The youngest (17) has learning difficulties. I'm not sure if this is the reason but anyway DP seems obsessed with the eldest son (19) to the point where he just bends over backwards to ensure he's no.1 priority in everything we do.

For example all weekend activities are usually based around what eldest would want to do with little regard to what his youngest or my kids might want to do. His boys share a bedroom here yet he refers to it as "ss1's room". If we arrange to do something one weekend and eldest doesn't turn up DP usually ends up trying to cancel all the plans for that weekend as if there is no point if DSS1 isn't there to enjoy it.

When DSS2 turned 16, his birthday outing was based on what DSS1 would enjoy.

Not only this but if DSS1 decides he likes a certain band or whatever suddenly DP becomes obsessed with them too and starts downloading their music and learning their songs on guitar.

A few weeks ago DSS1 came down with some new shoes on - DP decided he just had to have them and yesterday bought the exact same pair!!!

This lad can do wrong in his eyes. Even when he's cheeky, cocky, lazy and self entitled DP has his blinkers on (the blinkers soon come off when it's my kids doing it though!!!).

This surely isn't normal? I find it almost off-putting that a 43 year old man "looks up" to a 19 year old lad.

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Vitalstatistix · 22/09/2014 14:58

no, it's not right. His poor younger son deserves more from a father than that.

Do you think it is because of his LD? Is your partner really that big a shit that he feels his son is somehow a lesser person because of that? Or loves him less than his other son because of it?

Have you said to him how you feel? How it looks? Asked why he so blatently favours one over the other?

Or perhaps your partner is having some sort of mid life reliving of youth crisis.

Whatever it is, it's pathetic at best and revolting at worst and he needs to take a good long look at himself before you lose all respect for him.

His poor younger son. Sad

HotWaterNLemon · 22/09/2014 15:07

Being optimistic and giving the benefit of the doubt I think he just relates to the eldest more and this can have shared interests and "grown up" conversation whereas youngest's interests are limited to very childish things (cartoons and kids computer games) and you can't really have a proper conversation with him. He's a lovely lad though with a heart of gold and a wicked sense of humour and it just seems that he's constantly in the shadow of his older brother.

DP has this habit of wanting to re-create his youth and tries to hang out with the younger blokes at work (early 20s). I was shocked at weekend when he was moaning about a do he had to go to as the mate he was relying on to go had cancelled (he is early 20s) and everyone else there would be really old. I asked how old and he said "40s/50s" - but he's 43!!!!

I have told him its obvious he favours the eldest and he says this is bullshit and I "don't understand" and I "Obviously have a problem with the eldest". It's just ridiculous. It almost makes me resent eldest because everything seems to revolve around him and he's an adult really at 19.

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Vitalstatistix · 22/09/2014 15:23

Very optimistic.

How does he show his younger child that he loves and values him? How does he support him (emotionally)? How does he help his development? How is he involved in ensuring that he will eventually move on to independent living? How does he fight for all his son needs and will need in life?

Being a parent isn't about picking the kid that you get on with more. It's about ensuring that your children's needs are met and you are the person who is ALWAYS fighting their corner, against the whole bloody world if you have to.

I know.

My kids have autism, my eldest has erbs too and my youngest adhd. You would not believe how hard you have to fight for them.

How hard does he fight?

How does he show his younger son that he is loved? When he goes to meetings etc, is he passionate in support of him and getting him what he needs?

I mean, if he does all that and also gives his elder son some time and 1:1 then great. But if his younger son doesn't get all he needs and deserves, that's not ok, it just isn't.

StercusAccidit · 22/09/2014 17:08

Its not the kids, its your DP, either he is grossly immature if this is his regular behaviour, - or he's trying to recapture his youth/seem 'hip' - or its the latter AND an MLC Shock

Have you discussed it with him or doesn't he listen?

StercusAccidit · 22/09/2014 17:09

Oh sorry just read your last post properly Grin

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