Telling teenage SKs

[greenlizard]

My DP and I have been together for 4 years . He has two children from a previous marriage (14 and 12) who stay with us once during the week, EOW and half the school holidays. For the most part I have a really good relationship with them - they are really good kids.

My SS has always been very open and affectionate with me but my DSD was at the start a bit stand offish and still is on occasion (she blows hot and cold). She spends a lot of time coveting the attention of her dad and although this has improved she still tries to ensure only she gets his attention (esp. if it's me or her brother) I also think that she is affected by how her mum feels about me and DP, who appears to still struggle with the breakdown of the marriage and DP moving on but is civil/friendly when we meet etc.

So I am 15 weeks pregnant and we are planning to tell the ex and the SK's next week. We have waited so long because I suffered a number of miscarriages last year and we wanted to make sure that this little one might make it. I am starting to show so we can't wait much longer and I had a scan at 14 weeks and everything looked great.

I am looking for some advice on how we might approach this? Any tips or things to look out for? I suspect it will be a huge shock (not least as we are in our forties and therefore like totally old ) we would like to do it as best and sensitively as we can for them all.

I suspect his ex and my DSD are not going to take this well and if I am honest I am really dreading it.

No advice im afraid but we are in the sameposition.

im 14 weeks pregnant and we need to tell dsd 16yrs and dss 11yrs, I get on great with both of them but im still worried about how they will take the news.

im sorry for your losses, I had a miscarriage earlier this year so weve waited until the scan to tell anybody.

I have no experience with this thus no real advice. But I think if the DSD is 14 years old, maybe she might quite like the novelty of having a baby sister - it's a lot different to just an annoying younger sibling with a few years between you. There's something much more exciting about a baby, she could almost be more like an aunt than a sister. Though obviously you want to keep a boundary there and not have her see herself as a fully fledged adult/mother in relation to her new sister! But do you think playing up that angle would work at all?

I was there last year, we has to tell DPs 2 (14&10) and my 2 (15&13) that they were going to have a sibling. DPs 2 DCs took it really well, mine not so much. I even had comments from my 15 year old along the lines of, I don't know why you just don't have an abortion and we are going to hate it anyway. Fast forward a year and DS is now 11 months and from the day he was born all 3 DCs have loved him to bits, especially my eldest who can't wait to get home from school to him and does everything for him, I couldn't have wished for a better outcome. So be prepared for a shock reaction from them as all kids deal with things in a different way but I'm sure it will work out on the end

I meant all 4 DCs love him to bits*

I went through something similar this year.

My DH was once again determined be grown up and courteous and tell his ex before DSD (also so she could be prepared to support if DSD was upset). I wasn't so keen as he'd done this with news of our engagement years before and she'd been really rude and unpleasant. But it was his call and I understood.

So he told ex when DSD was not around and she was really rude and made a vile comment.

We couldn't be sure how DSD (10) would react but she was over the moon when we told her and full of beans for months (although we kept baby talk to a minimum). This meant that the ex had to keep her nasty views to herself and let DSD enjoy the excitement.

I guess not every ex will be happy or even civil about a new sibling but if you behave in a civil way then at least you know you have done the right thing.

We had this last year although my sk were 8 and 12, me and my dsd had never had a good relationship as she didn't like me. However once we told her we were pregnant she changed completely it was as tho she realised that I was sticking around and she became incredibly sweet and the nasty behaviour stopped. She adores her brother and loved holding and cuddling him. So maybe it nay bring you together. The ex however was not pleased but that's not my problem, she did say things to my dss about being replaced and he was quite jealous but lots of reassurance from us and he has settled down too

I'm still going through this but for 8 year old twin DSC. I'm 23 weeks and we told them at 14 weeks.
I would say my biggest advice would be to expect the roller coaster - we've had lots of positives as well as the expected 'he's my dad, not the baby's' and 'you already love the baby more than me'.
DP and his ex have a horrible relationship now so he chose not to tell her. Prior to our pregnancy in front of DP she had already told DSC we won't care about them if we ever have a baby.

From the sounds if it you'll probably get similar behaviour to what you're getting now - excitement from SS and jealousy from SD.

We also have tried to make DSC feel as involved as possible - asked them for name suggestions, showed them nursery ideas, showed them baby pictures of DP and myself so they can imagine what the baby will look like.
We're not necessarily going with their selections, but they feel like some of their suggestions we're on our list.

My dsc's are younger but we just sat them down and said "wheres is going to have a baby" they were fine with it. we worried a lot about dss as he is very like your dsd and hangs off his dad and doesn't like anyone even dsd having hugs or time with him but actually it has been the making of him and he absolutely dates on his baby sister. he is a fantastic big brother and whilst he made me promise to never make him change a nappy he will quite happily help me bath her and will play with her for hours

I'm still going through this but for 8 year old twin DSC. I'm 23 weeks and we told them at 14 weeks.......
DP and his ex have a horrible relationship now so he chose not to tell her.

So you've told your DSS, but not their Mother / The Ex?

Apologies, if I've got the wrong end of the stick here, but if not, that's really, really wrong. Chances are DSC's won't want to tell their mum because they will think it will upset her / make her angry.

This is from personal experience by the way. My Dads GF (who my DM HATED) fell pregnant when I was 8, I was told, but not my Mum. It was gut wrenching for me as a child and has had a long lasting effect on me.

My DP and his ex barely communicate and most of it is through a mediator, if at all.

DSC are aware of this and did not expect us to tell their mother. We told them they were welcome to share our news with their mum or anyone they wish. We were also aware she would find our through friendships from their past relationship. They chose to tell her straight away, which we completely supported.

In no way were we hiding it from her, we just did not tell her personally.

I'm an ex wife...I like to think I'm not horrific...but that's a whole other story, LOL.

If my ex husband was decent rational person and was in this situation, I would like to think that he would have the decency to let me know his news, and when he was planning to tell the kids.

So I was prepared when they came home for any possible emotional fall out
(And hopefully, she will be decent enough to let your DP tell the kids first)

And also, hiding stuff from the ex wife and only telling the kids creates all sorts of angst for them it's not worth it. I don't think you're planning on doing that from what you say!

You can spend ages worrying, but ...you're just going to have to do it, just do it in the fairest way possible for everyone. x

RedShoes7 - They might not have though, they might have kept it themselves, causing a lot of upset and stress. They're 8 FGS. What you did was WRONG, and not fair on the kids. 100%. Sorry.

You're entitled to feel that what we did was wrong, but it all comes down to personal opinion.
Previous to our pregnancy, DSCs mother had told DSC a number of times that they would not be welcome by DP and I and we would stop loving them should we ever have a child. We chose not to give her the opportunity to create increased negativity for the DSC. Unfortunately not all parents are able to provide the emotional support needed and we ensured they had extended family and school to talk to as part of telling them out news.

You were lucky they felt they "could" tell their Mother, when it happened to me (at the same age) I didn't eat for a week and used to cry at night with the stress. I didn't want to upset my Mum by telling her.

It sounds like you knew she wouldn't take it well, hence why you kept schtum. Telling a pair of 8 year olds they are free to tell their Mum if they like, is FAR too much pressure to put on them. Seriously.

"not all parents are able to provide the emotional support needed " maybe so, but that doesn't give you the right to give 2 eight year old kids the option of keeping such a huge secret from their mother.

How would you feel if in a couple of years your husband and you split, he got someone else pregnant and told your young child that they didn't have to tell you? Would you be happy that that decision rested on their shoulders

it's not an 8 years olds job to tell their mum that daddy's girlfriend is having a baby.