DSC not wanting to visit

[Redshoes7]

DP and I have DSC every weekend and has been that way since before I moved in over two years ago.
DSC's mum is ultimate Disney mum, very few rules, little discipline etc.
We have been consistent in what happens at our place including a bed time and time limits on the xbox, neither of which happen at their mums.
8 yr old DSS has been getting increasingly defiant and angry that we have rules - and over the last two months has increasingly asked not to come over or to go home as soon as a rule is brought up eg. once he told to get ready for bed he asks to go back to his mums.

DP doesn't want to force his DS to stay and providing DSS mum is home, will drop him back.
I'm torn - I'm worried it's just teaching DSS whinging will get him what he wants and at some stage he needs to stay because it's the only way he'll learn to respect rules.
As a side note, he's also having ongoing problems with school as he's struggling with being told what to do.

What would you do? Force an unhappy child to stay?

If your DPs ex is prepared to undermine your DP by allowing their DS to "run away" to her every time he doesn't get his own way, then there is very little you can do.

Ultimately, it's down to them, all you can do is support your DP - and if they don't agree, then perhaps formal mediation might help? Alternatively, a court order, but even then, a court won't expect a RP to force an 8 year old to spend time with his Dad against his will.

Assuming your DP is parenting effectively (maybe a parenting workshop could arm him with new strategies?) then if his ex undermines him, he's really limited as to what he can do.

I suppose your DP can't talk to his ex and get her on board at all? Not necessarily saying she should do the same at her house, but at least explaining to her DC that they have to follow the house rules with you and going home isn't an option?

Is there any room for compromise in the rules? Could there be any kind of (minor) reward for following them? Could you compromise by, for example, saying he has to go to bed at a certain time but can read until when he wants - you could go with him to buy some comics or whatever kind of books he likes? With the XBox - would distraction work, e.g. have another activity, like a family board game, planned for when he has to come off it?

Is it only at bedtime that he wants to go back to his mum? I only ask because my ds used to sometimes want to come back to me when he was at his dads. It wasn't because of bedtime rules as I'm the stricter of us but more because ex-h isn't as tactile and ds wanted a cuddle from me before sleep. He's nearly 10 now so tends to stay there.

If your DPs ex is prepared to undermine your DP by allowing their DS to "run away" to her every time he doesn't get his own way, then there is very little you can do.

It's the DP who is allowing him to "run away" by taking him back.

I don't know the answer OP but am watching with interest.

DSD (almost 9) has decided that she doesn't want to come to stay anymore and her DM is not insisting she comes. We all get on well, there are no obvious issues, although there are rules here which are different to those at 'home'. DSD is happy to come along on family days out, DH is seeing her once a week one on one and once a fortnight taking DD and DS to see her, and sometimes I go too, sometimes I don't. She's always delighted to see him, but resolutely won't come to our house. This seems to be enough contact for her and her DM says she won't force her. DM does always encourage DSD to come and all of us repeatedly tell DSD how much we miss her / would like her to resume staying, but there is no persuading her. The reason she gives is that she misses home and her DM too much.

DH doesn't want to insist/force her and she's getting to an age where her feelings should be listened to and taken into account if he did decide to escalate it. But I feel sad for DH - she is too young to understand the consequences of giving up on contact like this, and I can see future hurt that she doesn't have the same relationship with him that her siblings do. Some of that is probably inevitable as DH is NRP to DSD whereas he lives with DD and DS.

So you're not the only one OP. We will keep trying and making overtures and keeping talking but I guess there does come a point where DC make their own decisions. I didn't expect it to come at 8 though

DSS asks to leave for nearly all rules - this includes asking him to brush his teeth, getting dressed in the morning and packing up toys at the end of the night.
We've tried reward systems but DSS mum gets competitive and buys toys for no reward so they have no concept of earning something.
We have so many different activities set up for DSC including many where DP but it's definitely a sore point for DSS that he is not able to play the xbox for 12 hours a day.

We have an order at the moment that is for two nights a week, but it is DP who would prefer to listen to what his DS wants, where as I worry that will teach DSS the wrong things.
Often when DSS is disciplined (I'm talking being asked to apologise for something, not smacked) he will say to DP 'see I told you, you don't love me'. I'm worried that sending him back to his mum's just gives DSS more of those kinds of feelings.

DSS mum definitely won't talk about it. It was all out war when DP tried to show her some if the effects lack of sleep we're having on DSC.