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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

not sure what to do or how to feel....

13 replies

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 18/09/2014 23:38

DSS is being bullied- again! But thats all i know. Dp has known for a while ( i think) and hasnt told me anything.

I made a comment about something totally unrelatedand i got made feel like the worst person in the world.

How am i supposed to watch what i say or do when i dont know whats going on.

Ive to give the wee guy a break hes been through a lot but i know nothing.

Im annoyed dp hasnt told me about this. We used to always talk.

Im really sad and disheartened and dunno what to do. Xx

OP posts:

FlossyMoo · 18/09/2014 23:48

If he wants your support to help DSS then he has to communicate with you.

Your DP is blaming you for saying the wrong thing yet he is not taking any responsibility for not discussing it with you.

You need to sit with DP and discuss what has changed to make him stop communicating with you.

wheresthelight · 19/09/2014 05:23

and hun

you cannot be responsible for things you know nothing about.

that said you need to find out why dp is shutting you out. talk to him and be honest with him and hope that he is honest back

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 19/09/2014 07:30

He eventually told me when we were lying in bed. i just feel he is really distant with me. Doesnt help that he thibks i dont like the kids. which is untrue. I love the kids but sonetimes i find their attitudes shady. But if i tell dp that he gets all defensive.

Really hard having conversations these days.

I really just hope dss school can sort out the bullying issue its such a shame. I hate bullies and bullying. He is so shy and timid too so it must be hatd for the wee guy. Xx

OP posts:

wheresthelight · 19/09/2014 08:19

I had a similar problem with dp and dsc's but luckily he saw first hand some of the things I was complaining about so tackled ot.

I think you need to be upfront with him and explain that you love the kids but you struggle with some of their behaviour and ask him to help you and them deal with it better

FlossyMoo · 19/09/2014 08:20

Why do you think their attitude is shady OP?

robotroy · 19/09/2014 16:39

It's a shame you weren't clued in, as you could be helping to empathise and tell him how you feel about bullies, tell him about experiences you had or some supportive stories or books to read.

It's hard to tell a partner if you feel irritation at their kids sometimes, realise that they are NEVER going to hear that as I love your kids and I feel this, they are going to leap to immediate defence. I think the best thing you can do if you feel things like that is chat with a mum friend for some empathy and advice. Really occasionally I have thought I would like to throttle SD and as you say like any other parent it's just irritation at their behaviour at that time, it's not reflective of your level of love. I can't say I would ever blurt that out I would tell a sister or something, and only bring it up if he did - unless of course there's a persistent problem that needs working on.

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 20/09/2014 11:15

I think their attitude is shady and probably nore just kids being kids the more i think of it. for example dsd has a big rip in her trainers(had them 3 mnths) when asked what happended she wasnt bothered as her num is going to buy her a new pair. When asked if they wanted a chippy they shrugged and said yea i suppose. Im sittibg here thinking if you would rather sonething else just say.we dint do it often so in our house a chippy is a treat. It just offends me a wee bit. Then dp says - what do you expect a fanfare?! Well actually all i need was then to say yes please that would be nice or no thanks could we get. Mcdonalds instead.

I then said to dp i didnt want to waste money on something they werent arsed for and im accused if having a go not loving his kids etc

I feel like i have always to pussy foot arund the kids and change to accept them. But noone ever does for me. No one sees things from my point of view or accepts that i dont have kids so its a total minefield to me. But here i am sitting accepting their backchat and ungratefulness unless dp actually sees a problem. Hes not disney just a bit oblivious to me when kids are around.

It just hurts and im now ranting and probably open to a flaming.

OP posts:

FlossyMoo · 20/09/2014 11:35

Going by your examples I do think that is just kids being kids.
Not having children of your own will make this situation very difficult. All children can be ungrateful they can also me non commutative and disinterested in pretty much everything. It is very frustrating but not unusual or because of anything you have done/not done.

In what way do they backchat you?

Also your DP shouldn't be ignoring you when the DC's are there but you need to accept that his focus will shift. He only sees them on contact days (you he sees everyday) and they are children so need a different level of attention.

ArsenicFaceCream · 20/09/2014 11:51

You do sound confused always. How long have you and DP been together?

It can be hard becoming a SM when you don't have DC yourself, particularly when your SDC haven't been brought up in quite the way you were, or would bring your own DC up.

The lack of a simple 'thank you' from my SDC used to drive me insane. I'd never had close dealings before with children who didn't have that that particular type of manners. I think it is fair enough to acknowledge that type of issue to yourself. I also think you need to be honest with yourself about whether there is a bigger difference in values between you and your DP.

ArsenicFaceCream · 20/09/2014 11:59

How old are the SDC? Communication by grunting is fairly normal at certain ages you know, it could be a stage.

PerpendicularVincenzo · 20/09/2014 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 20/09/2014 14:50

They are 10 and 7. I get that when kids are here his focus is on them im not bothered by that its par for the course but i feel like he should be more supportive of me and try to at least understand my position. We have been together alnost 3 years and lived for almost a year. Its a big transition for everyone. I just constantly feel like i ammaking allowances for everyone else but noone makes them for me. Ive to put up and get on with it.

Im just frustrated and feel there is no point talking to dp at moment as so much is going on. Xx

OP posts:

shey03 · 27/09/2014 10:29

Hugs OP, I really feel for you. This kind of apathy for your feelings from you dp is quite shitty and I have been through this. The ONLY thing that worked for me was trying less, caring less, in other words detachment for the short time that the kids are there. Let your dp take the lead on what you're all doing/eating and enjoy taking a backseat. The detachment may make you feel less frustrated and might have the knock on effect of subconsciously chilling everyone out.

Dp must address rudeness and house rules, but also you cannot change the kids behaviour, but you can change how often you give them an opportunity to reject or be rude to you and you can change how you 'take' their behaviour. I used to take it so personally and mistakenly blame my dp, when the root of it isn't his fault either. So I changed me and it kind of changed us really. Dsc behaviour is also a bit better for it as I'm not negative/anxious about it, thus dp is not as worried/anxious/snappy, etc. and doesn't feel like he's treading on eggshells everywhere... so he's become less stressed and controls the kids a bit better. Our relationship which always suffered when his dc are around is much better during the eow's, I guess subconsciously I was making him feel stressed and defensive and he was taking it out on me. It wasn't fair, but it's a vicious circle which someone has to break.

There's always going to be awful weekends and then some that are okay, or rarely, good, but 1) Dsc behaviour doesn't come between us anymore and 2) I don't sit around waiting for the dsc to arrive or to impress them, planning stuff, cooking stuff. Seriously, I do my own thing, with my family, kids, friends, gym and he gets to be dad, without worrying about me and them. It's works way better, we're much happier.

Flip