What do you do about contact and illness?

[BabylonPoo]

I have a 7 yr old DD and when she's ill, I'm of the opinion that her father should be equally capable of looking after her so contact goes ahead. I don't agree with many peoples opinion that I should keep and care for DD, thereby swapping one of my weekends with her for the one affected by illness. However, her father has a new child so I'd be happy to keep DD to prevent illness spreading, if that's what he wanted.

Recently, his GF and baby were hospitalised with a virus and had only been released the day contact was due to begin. DD was recovering from a chest infection so I made the decision to say DD couldn't stay for contact that weekend. Her father hit the roof, saying I was blocking contact.

My DSC are 7 and 8. DH has a contact order but the most recent weekend was cancelled by his ex simply saying the children were ill. No offer of replacement and his reply that he's capable of looking after them when ill was ignored.

So I was wondering, what happens in your situations regarding contact and illness?

Resident stepmum here. Contact generally goes ahead for anything minor, anything major at either house and DSDs Mum will sometimes cancel contact... We tend to check if DSD wants to go, if yes check if DSD Mum wants to have her.

Contact is never rescheduled at DSDs Mum's request, so it means they just don't see each other for a month. Doesn't happen often though.

depends entirely on the illness to be honest, dp's exw will cancel at the drop of a hat if they have a cold but sent dsd with impetigo when my dd was only a few weeks old knowing dsd would want to hold and play with her new sister - i was livid!

I agree with you that contact should go ahead wherever possible though. I have never asked dp to cancel contact even when I was recovering after hospital admissions for hyperemesis whilst pregnant, although I did phone pil and beg them to have the kids as dp was at work and I was making close acquaintance with the bottom of the toilet bowl

My concern is that when DSC mum wants to keep them for other plans she's made, she lies that they're ill. Obviously it'd be great if we could all be friendly and honest to avoid illness spreading but that isn't happening. When DDs fathers GF was pregnant DD had chicken pox so I offered to keep her but he collected her only to leave her with a relative she barely knew for the weekend. Just wish there was some common sense used in these situations!

Agree with Where. It totally depends on the illness and how contagious. Also depends on how ill the child is actually feeling. I mean if they've been bedridden all week (either at Mum or dad's) is it fair to get them up for scheduled contact when they feel so weak and ill?

Usually its up to DSD if she still wants to come when ill, generally she wants to stay at home if already ill. Unless she's infectious or just getting over d&v in which case she doesn't get a choice and has to stay home as everyone there has either had it as well or has already been exposed to it.

We also do the same if any of us have had d&v so that DSD doesn't get it and take it home. Plus it wouldn't be great for her to be here of one or more of us are throwing up.

My DD has 50:50 care split between her dad and I, and fortunately, she's very healthy because her Dad has always has this odd notion that we each clock on and off parenting at a specific time and day - and poor DD should be handed over to the others "watch" at that time regardless.
He tried to insist that the school keep track of which of us was "parenting" her that week so that if she was taken ill, then the "right" parent was called - they pointed out that DD was more than capable of telling them herself, and anyway, it was more important that she had a parent pick her up, they really don't care which one!

What happens when it's used as a lie to prevent contact though Vague?

babylon I think you have to wait until the DCs are old enough to act independently.

There's no point in trying to enforce contact when a RP is willing to lie in order to prevent it happening.

I not sure there is much you can do, how can you 100% prove ot tp be a lie?

I have kept dsd home from school because she spent half an hour before school with her head in the loo being sick, 30 mins after we got back from dropping her brother off and telling school she wouldn't be I'm and why She was running around complaining she was hungry amd whinging cos I made her go without food for several hours and only allowed water to drink just in case. the state she had been in when throwing up i wouldn't have sent her back to her mum unless she wanted to go and I would hope that her mum wouldn't have sent her to us. equally when she bounced back I wouldn't have suddenly said "right off home you go"

how can you 100% prove ot tp be a lie?

Unless the DCs are very tiny, they usually spill the beans - there are loads of anecdotes from teachers elsewhere on MN who have been lied to about a DCs "illness" - it doesn't take long for the DC to let slip that they weren't ill at all.

Last weekend mum got DSD to call and ask DH if she could stay home for an event mum wanted to take her to. DH said no as we had plans. Cue contact being cancelled because DSD was ill. DH spoke to her tonight and she openly told him she went to the event with mum.

In our case both households are flexible. We'd mutually agree what to do depending on whether the illness was contagious and where DSS wanted to be himself. This approach has never caused a problem.

There's nothing much you can do if it's a lie. All you can do is if you're told they're too bedridden to come is agree and I suppose await next contact or reschedule. You could always ring and see if they've seen a GP or something. But again, people don't generally go for D&V unless absolutely necessary. Would you really want to risk having the children if you were told they're too ill and weak to move from bed?

I suppose if it became a regular pattern of them being really too ill to come then you could call the ex on it but other than that I think you're going to have just believe the DC is ill.

But then we have the other problem that she won't let one DC come without the other so this can easily mean we go a month without seeing them if one is ill one weekend and one the other. It's plausible that this is the case but whether true or not, it isn't good for the DC to keep missing contact.

Last weekend mum got DSD to call and ask DH if she could stay home for an event mum wanted to take her to. DH said no as we had plans. Cue contact being cancelled because DSD was ill. DH spoke to her tonight and she openly told him she went to the event with mum.

Hmm that's slightly different I suppose. I would've had a bit of self doubt of an illness if a phone call had been made to ask to go to an event but the answer was no - but then suddenly the child was ill. Aside from rocking up at ex's door to make sure the truth was being told I'm afraid there's not much else that can be done.

I suppose if it became a regular pattern of them being really too ill to come then you could call the ex on it but other than that I think you're going to have just believe the DC is ill.

Doing handover through school might help in this situation - but could backfire.
DSS school attendance dropped to nearly 90%; and every day he was too unwell to go to school fell on a contact start day.

My own DC would always go to their dad exept on the rare occasion when one is really ill and says strongly that they need me not him and I'm sufficiently worried about them to cancel my plans to stay with them. But normally they're carted off to their dad's even with the odd bit of protest. I do believe quite strongly that he should be able to deal with normal ill child things and that it's only by doing this that he'll feel confident as a parent. Ex has always been fine with either course of action.

In the 4 years I've known DSC none of them have ever been kept off contact because of being ill. We've had them complete with all their germs

In general I think if you have a shared care arrangement - even if not 50-50 - then either you should generally stick to the rota and both care for sick children. But if one parent is very much the primary carer then the DC may feel they need them off they're really ill, and any decent parent would understand that.

My DH’s ex had a policy, very similar to that described in Wakey’s post, whereby we clock on and off parenting at a specific time and day – and the child should be handed over to the other’s ‘watch’ at that time regardless

This once led to DSS being abandoned at A&E following a minor mishap at school – the ex realised that DH’s “watch” was due to start at 4pm that afternoon, so she departed A&E, telling DSS that his Dad would collect him at the start of access. It would have helped of course, if anyone had told DH that his son was at A&E ……

We then had situations whereby the ex (a SAHM) would drop an ill DSS off with DH, knowing full well that DSS couldn’t go to school, but DH had to go to work. I know people will argue that both parents should be equally responsible, but when one is a SAHM, and one isn’t ……. Surely a little common sense should prevail? The ex was also very quick to point out that if DSS (an older teen by this point) were left home alone, she would call Social Services. I don’t think she would have got very far with that, but such threats are not conducive to positive co-parenting.

I agree it depends on the illness. Of course the reality is often the resident parent thinks they're some kind of amazing mega-parent much more able to care, so they will try to hang on to a poorly child or demand one back. Once SD's mum wanted her back when she had a vomiting bug! Then when she went home, after she was no longer contagious, we hear that mum was telling everyone including SD we 'should have taken her to hospital'. Because that's what NHS says with norovirus right, run straight to the nearest hospital where you will be hugely welcome......... We've been lucky with mum being reasonable about illness and even reappointing a few weekends which was nice of her and appreciated. I personally think this should be a given, as otherwise kids can get very upset with the protracted period without their other parent and household. The loss of routine is confusing and upsetting.

It's definitely a case by case decision that's required. Looking at risks to each person involved and the consequences that will follow. Both parents should be capable of looking after an ill child, however if this means a long car journey with sickness and diarrhoea it may be better for the child not to travel- if it means missing contact or extending contact then that needs to be dealt with by the adults in a way that minimises the impact on the child.

In an ideal world, both parents would co-operate and do what's best for the child. But sadly some parents simply do what makes life the most difficult for the other parent .......