Why can't children just sometimes not like their step-parent?

[Caorunn]

Question promoted by a post on another thread but not a TAAT per se hence I thought I would ask the question here.

Why is almost invariably assumed, that where the step-children don't like the step-parent that is due to an embittered ex? Or indeed the actions of the step-parents partner?

Surely sometimes the children just might not actually like the individual? Might all on their own without prompting and/or coaching feel uncomfortable with the situation? May instinctively want to be 'loyal' to or protect the other parent? Might be angry that the step-parent is being forced into their lives and they are expected to accept/live with/respect/obey an individual purely because one of their parents has decided that they will? Perhaps they feel resentful that they have minimal time with their parent and are forced to share it with this new partner?

Do the desires/wants of a parent to have a new partner and be happy over-ride the child's feelings/opinion/instincts/happiness.

[For the record I am not step-parent; have no time for my former husbands partner (who was indeed the OW) and have had very little exposure to step-families until recently. I am not a goady fucker but genuinely am struggling with this idea that each parent has the right to crack on with their new life and the children will accept this this, always and unquestioningly, assuming all adults accept it.]

"how could i in my early 30s with a toddler child accept that i could probably never have another full time relationship until ds1 grew up and left home?"

I think we as a society have embraced a certain amount of change but not quite enough. If we are prepared to say that marriages can be finite, I think we should also be prepared to question the whole idea that a "valid" relationship is one where two adults of opposite sexes live with each other and treat each other as their primary focus. We should be looking at ways in which families can flex and evolve to meet everybody's needs, not moving different human units in and out of the same structures. If I had been expected to tolerate a step parent or step siblings as a child I would probably have committed suicide or run away. I hate having people in my home that I didn't choose for periods I can't control. I would have hated it even more as a child when I had even less control over everything else. I don't think this is something we can reasonably expect of children as standard, although I agree that I neither think we can reasonably expect adults to be celibate and lonely for ever just because their first marriage didn't work and now they have children.

"Children should never be privy to the details of their parents divorce/relationship choices/parenting decisions as this puts far too much pressure on them to become mini adults. "

No, children should not consult on whether Mummy should leave Daddy, and then whether she should go out with James, or go on a second date with James, maybe a fourth date might be a good time to consider getting that lingerie out, hm? and what about moving him in after Christmas, are Mummy and James ready for that? - no, children should not consult on that, but they should have privacy and security and self determination in their own homes.

Being forced to be nice to James and the off-spring of James around a table might be something that a child should not be consulted on. Having a big smelly man with a loud voice, a penchant for hogging the remote control, and a nastily physical sense of "humour" move in - actually in - so you can never get away from him again when you are not at school - is something where a child's POV should definitely be considered. Especially if he is moving in his noisy thing-breaky children to maybe sleep in the child's actual bedroom, snoring, and putting up posters on the wall of the Other band - the band of the Other tribe - that this child actually hates, and the kids who like this band are the kids that bully him at school. No, the child shouldn't have to put up with this just because Mummy thinks that James has a simply marvellous cock (and because society is not set up to support mothers except in the form of grudging help from men she is having sex with)

What vezzie said.

So many people, too, simply cannot understand, either, that is is possible to have a healthy, long-term relationship without having to move in and live together and put cock before kids.

What a horrible, and offensive, way of looking at it. 'Cock before kids'?!

What's offensive, riverboat? My post? which part, the fact that I think it isn't fair that everyone expects the child to put up with the man that his mother is having sex with, or that everyone expects the mother to get on absolutely fine alone, unless she has regular sex with a man, and then he is the only one expected to give her any support?

My DSSs don't like their mother's partner one little bit - they despise him deeply. I think they quite like me though!

Nothing any adult could do or say would influence their opinion. They have every right to like or dislike their stepparents or anybody else.

The thing that I find offensive is the suggestion that women primarily want to live with men for the sake of their cocks and their money.

Okay, vadge before kids, basically suck it up, kids, cuz my need to have a live-in relationship with someone you despise is more important.

I never said anything about money, I did say "support" which I would hope, in its broadest sense, would be a part of all co-habiting relationships. (or relationships in general)

I think it is quite reasonable that a single mother be interested in finding someone with whom to share sex and support (emotional support, practical support, all the kinds of support a woman would get from a good husband). I don't know why you think this is so offensive.

I do think it is a pity that we do not seem to receive or expect much support of any kind except from men we are having sex with (or, if you are lucky, your own parents - which is the norm for some but for many, impossible). It does make things hard for children if your mother is effectively unsupported unless she physically moves a man in.

Of course the actual father of the children, unless he is dead, could still reasonably be expected to provide various forms of support to the mother's parenting (yes, money, but also: lifts, getting things together for school, homework, childrens' social lives etc) - EVEN THOUGH - he is no longer having sex with their mother. However, if he was in any way inclined to do any of that, perhaps they would still be living together anyway (in some cases)

Rainbow - that's such an extreme and simplified view that I personally don't find it adds anything to the debate, but fair enough if that's how you see it.

I think in situations where the new partner is bullying/disrespectful/borderline paedophile as vezzie describes, the child is of course never going to like them and the parent shouldn't be moving them in. Doesn't that go without saying? But that's hardly going to be the majority of cases.

I don't think sex is disgusting by the way, or to be despised, or that a woman (or man) wanting to have a sexual relationship after having children is somehow wrong. HOWEVER I also don't think that sex is necessarily the prime or only motivation to moving in with a new partner. I think having children is hard, being an adult is hard, and people want a bit of love and affection and someone to share the driving with. None of this is in any way contemptible, as people seem to be implying, or implying that I think.

BUT I do think that needing or wanting any or all of the above, leading so "naturally" to a child being forced to accept a bunch of new people into his or her home, is really unfair on the child.

"where the new partner is bullying/disrespectful/borderline paedophile as vezzie describes"

I didn't mean that James is actually objectively bad in that way. I just mean that big confident booming adults are often unpleasant to be around as a kid, even if they don't mean to be nasty. because kids aren't socially equipped to enforce their boundaries (including the pretty major one of whom they share their house with)

fortheloveof01 please don't subject your poor DD to having to share her home with this man. He sounds horrid. How can you even find someone attractive who is so nasty and dismissive of your child? Why on earth are you being 'pulled in all directions?' If you have your priorities right you should only be pulled one way.

oh my god fortheloveof01, please do not move that man in with your child. I can't think what would make you even consider it as you see it so clearly right now (this isn't even a "with the benefit of hindsight, we have different parenting styles" post)

just don't do it!

Your poor child, forver, having to put up with your vile bully of a boyfriend. I don't understand how anyone can feel 'pulled in all directions' due to a man who bullies their child. Sounds like a great way to ruin this child's teen years and your relationship with her, as the clear signal is that you put this man and his needs above hers.

See, I think that most woman want to live with their man because they are in love with them. The support and sex and everything is part of it, but I think it's mostly love and the feeling of wanting to be with the people you love as much as possible.

In a normal family set up, the falling in love happens first, then the moving in and the having of a baby comes out of that love. Everything fits together nicely.

In a blended/step/separated family, by definition things happen backwards and somewhat unnaturally. The child is already there, the falling in love happens completely separately and in parallel. By the time you try to merge your two relationships (with your child and with your new partner), you're already in love and inevitably dreaming of a future together and it's very hard to switch that off.

Some children readily accept new partners and come to love them, and vice versa. Great. Others have the opposite reaction. And probably everything inbetween. But if initially it doesnt go as hoped, it's hard for the parent to just draw back on the path they're already halfway down and decide they won't hope to ever live with their new partner after all. They want to try and make it work between their child and partner.

I'm sure in some cases it IS the best thing to do for the parent to decide to keep their relationship totally separate from their child. But in lots of cases I dont think that decision is necessary. If parent and partner are respectful and sensitive to the child, and the child has clear and fair expectations set of them and lots of positive reinforcement, I think in a lot of situations living together happily enough is very possible. It doesn't have to be a big drama.

I suppose what I am saying is that I would think most cases where a child 'doesn't like' their parent's new partner, there's probably a lot that could be done to change that initial reaction.

In cases where they dont like them because the partner genuinely isn't nice to them, either the partner has to be the one to change or the parent shouldn't be moving them in.

In cases where it's just a genuine personality clash, and effort has been made on all sides but the personality clash just makes the living situation intolerably unpleasant, that is really tough. I feel for all concerned in that situation. Probably living apart is the best solution?

vezzie - yes !

My ex has put his cock and her C**t above his kids in everything for the past three years and he wants to know why his DCS hate his DP.

They see him < 30 days per annum and she expects them to share him, they surprisingly want and demand his attention and resent being told to share his time with her DCS. She whines that he should respect her, above his kids and for the first time in 4 yrs he is putting them first- it is liberating to see and that they recognise this and talk about it at , at ages 5 and 7 - to me says something significant.

Shame he forgot they needed him for the past 4 yrs not just financially but emotionally. It amazes me that any parent thinks they can walk away and then walk back in and not wonder why the environment has changed.