Why can't children just sometimes not like their step-parent?

[Caorunn]

Question promoted by a post on another thread but not a TAAT per se hence I thought I would ask the question here.

Why is almost invariably assumed, that where the step-children don't like the step-parent that is due to an embittered ex? Or indeed the actions of the step-parents partner?

Surely sometimes the children just might not actually like the individual? Might all on their own without prompting and/or coaching feel uncomfortable with the situation? May instinctively want to be 'loyal' to or protect the other parent? Might be angry that the step-parent is being forced into their lives and they are expected to accept/live with/respect/obey an individual purely because one of their parents has decided that they will? Perhaps they feel resentful that they have minimal time with their parent and are forced to share it with this new partner?

Do the desires/wants of a parent to have a new partner and be happy over-ride the child's feelings/opinion/instincts/happiness.

[For the record I am not step-parent; have no time for my former husbands partner (who was indeed the OW) and have had very little exposure to step-families until recently. I am not a goady fucker but genuinely am struggling with this idea that each parent has the right to crack on with their new life and the children will accept this this, always and unquestioningly, assuming all adults accept it.]

Don't all the same arguments apply to a sibling as well, though?

Why should a child be expected to share their life with another child with whom they don't get on? Who they resent for taking their parents time? With whom they are compared? Particularly if there is a significant age gap between children.

Do parents have any more right to another child than they do to a partner?

One solution if the child dislikes the step parent is not to live with partner, see your partner whilst your child is visiting his or her non resident partner

Why should a child have to respect a step just because they are an adult?

When said step, does not speak to them and excludes them from the "new" family.

EXH says our DCs have never been rude to his new DP, they have witnessed her crying and clinging on to DP until he changed his plans to take them to the park, because she wanted him at home etc - they exist in that family, they do not live, share and enjoy it - because of one persons actions. Why should they be made to respect her, when she shows them no respect either?

The practicalities of responding to a child's preference would be challenging, to say the least.

What would the default position be? That no parent should live with a partner - therefore denying the majority of DCs the benefits of their step (bonus) parent? Despite my DDs hormone-laden outburst about my DH, she most certainly benefits from having him in her life and she has an incredibly positive relationship with him. Would it have been better to exclude her from my relationship with DH, avoiding the risk of her disliking him, but by the same token, robbing her of the opportunity to have additional loving adults in her life? It's not just DH, his family also have a role to play.

Or should involving the child be trialled, with the child having the right of veto after a period of time? What if they change their mind? Repeatedly?

Apologies I didn't mean to post and run I was needed to join a conference call at for work.

I think the post about it being difficult to discuss in the abstract is true as there are many, many different permutations and parenting styles. I wouldn't for example uproot my children and move them to London although my career options would be hugely improved as it is not in their best interests. So that is something I need to put on hold until I can do so without impacting my children. Others would as children can and do adapt.
That doesn't mean it is in their best interests, I don't think, just because they can cope/adapt. But if I needed to to feed them them I would. But I don't, so I don't.

I am not convinced by any of the analogies however - you do not generally live with your extended family so not liking a grandparent or an aunt has a very different impact on a child's life than sharing a home and being required to interact/obey/respect(earned or just assumed??) an adult your parent has decided to live with. A sibling is very different both need the care and attention of the parents due to their age so there are far less options. The two adults in a blended family do very much have a choice.

Wakey - clearly if you daughter had an incredibly positive relationship with your husband she doesn't fall into the category we are discussing.

My musing question was where a child dislikes their step-parent (not due to the influence of third-party be that the resident or non-resident parent) does the parent's 'right' to have a new live-in partner trump the child's position.

The view on this thread appears broadly to be yes- that children will adapt and learn to live with the adult that has been introduced, regardless of their opinion of that individual. I find that quite sad really. But understandable I guess.

Another interesting analogy is families who choose to foster children. We have decided not to go ahead until DD is older because it will have a significant impact on her, but a friend with a similar age DD has recently taken their first foster placement.

Is that fair on the DCs?

Even if they are involved in the family decision, the reality can be very different from expectation and if a child of the family decides they've changed their mind and no longer want the foster child in their home after all, it's not as if the foster child can be turfed out.

I personally feel that dc should respect adults until there is a specific reason not too, why wouldn't you teach your child that. This assumption that why should a dsc automatically respect a sp, well why not until a reason not.

I think that sp can actually help dc see what a normal functioning and happy relationship is. I know when I was a child the idea of marriage was silence and misery until my parents divorced and my df remarried and I saw a whole new idea of a marriage, and I'm grateful for that.

My experience of DCs, even my own DD, is that their like/dislike of many adults in their lives -including stepparents - is not static, though. The nature of a child's emotions is that they fluctuate, are unpredictable and extreme.

Very young DCs will be heavily influenced by the here and now - they will love their Dads GF when she's nice to them and hate her when she doesn't give in to their demands.
A teenager will be driven by hormones, loyalty, peer pressure and other factors - a stepmum who is a police officer may be turned against if she is involved in the arrest of a stepchilds friend, for instance.

A BF who has been welcomed as a guest may be subsequently disliked and resented as a resident stepdad - what do you do if your DCs change their minds?

Caorunn - I'm finding it difficult to imagine a situation where the parents/SP/child are all mutually nice and respectful to each other, but the child actively dislikes the SP to the point they are really unhappy sharing a home with them.

Though I guess MrsR gave an example on the previous page. I'd be interested to hear more about that. What is the dynamic like between your DS and DH - is it tense/fraught or they're just not that interested in spending time together?

Obviously where an SP isn't respectful or kind, as in Whatever's post, that changes things but I don't think that's what you're getting at OP?

One of my DSC didn't want anything to do with me at first, and I have no reason to think his Mum played any part in that. But not was or anything to do with disliking me as a person, as he hardly knew me at the time. He just found any changes unsettling. But my DH was patient, but firm with him. I continued to be friendly but not too demanding, and his DM stayed out of things as far as I can gather and didn't fuel his anxieties.

He's a great kid whom I'm very fond of now, who chats with me about his life, and actually I have a fair bit in common with.

Don't confuse difficulty adjusting to new people in your life with not liking those people.

I'm sure not liking happens but no real reason why it should happen any more than with siblings, or even with natural parents. You don't get to choose them either do you? Mostly you learn to understand and rub along OK with those you live with.

After my parents divorced I mostly lived with my dad. He started a new relationship when I was about 7 and from the beginning there was a personality clash between me and his wife. There may have been jealousy/loyalty issues etc., but primarily I found her absurd and irritating. It was simply that we didn't get on and we never have. It made me very, very unhappy as a child, because I felt lonely and marginalised in my own home. It was very clear to me that my happiness was being placed second to my father's happiness. I think my parents (and probably many other parents) like to believe in the adaptability of children because it makes their own lives easier. The reality is, that I didn't adapt. My feelings did not fluctuate. I was unhappy being around her 24/7 and that didn't improve until I left for university.

It is great if there can be mutual respect, but often adults will dismiss a child's views/feelings as being less important than an adult's: "she'll grow out of it", "it's just hormones", "it's because she's loyal to her mum". This is not particularly respectful.

rattle that sounds very difficult.

Were there no alternatives? Your mum, or another family member ? I imagine that by the time your Dad discovered how unhappy you were, he and his DW were married and committed to each other - even if he were to have ended his marriage the impact on you would still have been immense; moving home, and potentially losing the security of a two-income household. Do you have half siblings? If so, rhey would have lost their dad in order to resolve your unhappiness.

The problem is that unless a separated/divorced parent makes a conscious decision that they will "stay single for the sake of the DCs", (or at least, do no more than date while remaining living independently as a single parent) then it's just not possible to accomodate a DCs potential dislike until the relationship is committed.

While the "dating scene" and living independently may suit some single parents, many will be unhappy and unfulfilled in that position (Willard Harley's website explains the different emotional needs of different people incredibly well). An unhappy, depressed parent can in turn lead to negative outcomes for a child; while the majority of children benefit hugely from the input of a stepparent or other loving adult in their lives, both emotionally and financially.

I'm not convinced that a child should be given the right of veto of every potential partner their parent dates before it "gets serious".

I hear what is being said - Children should not be unhappy in their own homes. I just don't understand the solutions being proposed?

Reading the posts in this thread it seems that many people believe that if they have a new partner the children should learn to live with it. Surely it is for everyone to work on the relationship? I remember a friend of mine having a new step dad move in when she was 15 or so, before that there had been the two of them living in happy clutter but new SD was ultra-tidy. There were constant arguments with SD trying to stamp his authority rather than working together - at the time and now I can still understand why my friend didn't like her SD and moved out as soon as she could. No doubt her mother thought she was the unreasonable one.

Both my exW and I have thought very carefully before introducing the boys to anyone that we have been dating, mind you neither of us are anywhere near moving someone in.

I don't believe a child should learn to live with it at all. Although I do find it unrealistic to hold off on meeting someone else because of your child and pretty much let them dictate if and when it is acceptable to date/get serious with someone. At the end of the day the parent is the adult and it is down to them to make decisions while also considering the children.

I don't believe in moving someone straight in and the child just smack accepting it. Involving a new partner takes time and consideration when it comes to children. It's down to the parents to help the child with conflicting emotions due to a separation and work together in doing so.

What if a parent dies - should you never move on because a child wouldn't like it? Should you never have any children other than with the child's other parent in fear that the child doesn't like it? It's almost like putting a huge responsibility on what a child wants and giving them over riding authority in your own life as an adult.

Personally I think that the expectations of the incoming person are often the main problem. People seem to have very set ideas of how everyone within a blended family SHOULD behave. Personally I think probably the most successful blended families are the ones where the incoming adult doesn't try to take on too much of a parental role, certainly when there are already two parents in place albeit separated. Why should some random adult suddenly be in a position of authority over a child or teenager who barely knows them? I think there is often a big argument for the step parent to be friendly but not authoritative. I think accepting that it's going to take a LONG time for everyone to shake down together and not to try and force the issue goes a long way to alleviating potential problems. Certainly the successful blended families I know seem to have this dynamic.

Why should some random adult suddenly be in a position of authority over a child or teenager who barely knows them?

I agree - and actually a stepparent taking a back seat and fulfilling a supporting role to the parent, will assist the parent of a child who, as the OP describes, takes a dislike to the stepparent for no apparent reason, other than personality clash or resentment of a situation that they are unable to control.

If the stepparent has given the DC absolutely no reason to dislike them, then the parents "job" of supporting their child to deal with their emotions, while expecting a standard of behaviour, is made a lot easier.

I totally agree with you both. If both parents are involved then a SP should definitely take a back seat but be there in a supporting role rather than a parenting one. :)

It's just hugely unrealistic to leave your relationship status down to a child who's parents have separated - or any child for that matter.

It's just hugely unrealistic to leave your relationship status down to a child who's parents have separated - or any child for that matter.

Definitely - it sets everyone up for resentment. The parent who "stays single" solely because they believe it is right for the DCs, the child, who (to a greater or lesser degree) will be aware of their parents unhappiness/sacrifice, and (potentially) one or more heartbroken ex's with whom the parent has entered into a casual relationship, but then broken it off if it got serious.

If the parent is happy leading an independent life with an emotional partner who is at 'arms length" from the DCs, then great - but sacrificing emotional happiness and wellbeing to avoid potential difficulties is a sure fire way to dysfunctional family dynamics.

I don't believe in moving someone straight in and the child just smack accepting it. Involving a new partner takes time and consideration when it comes to children. It's down to the parents to help the child with conflicting emotions due to a separation and work together in doing so.

This exactly it, I know several people who have just introduced the new partner with no preparation - in some cases the poor kids have suffered several SPs moving in then moving out again.

I've had a few girlfriends that my DC never met, because they never became important enough in my life. Even though they are now 20 and 22, introducing them to my current GF was a careful and nerve-racking process -she is the first one that I've cared about enough to introduce them.

My mum was left with 3 DCs under 5, my kid brother was a few months old, and made a concious decision that she had enough to worry abut putting a roof over our heads. My KB was 14 when she decided to start dating again, with our encouragement as we were worried about her ending up on her own.

I would have run away if my mum had married my step dad when I was younger. as it was I had to live with him for about six months, when I was 19 And I hated it. He tried to tell me what to do and called me lazy although I was the only one out of the three if us left at home who did sny house work and I did nearly all of it including cooking dinner every night. My mother had been with him since I was 10 but and she waited until we were old enough to move out before she married him. ( probably being catholic and her divorce being the scandal of the parish didn't help).

We were still living in the family home which was still owned jointly by both my parents until it was sold when I was 20. It didnt feel right him living there.

Peronally I do not feel it fair to force children to live with people they don't like. It was bad enough U had to deal with three step mothers, to me it became how long will this one last. The last one has lasted over 30 years and I used to get along with her well, but she has turned out to be a right cow who will for the stupidist reasons will not speak to me or my siblings. My father is only with her now as he is getting old snd finacially he would be stuffed.

I definitely don't think parents should deliberately remain single forever to avoid upsetting the kids. Many will handle boyfriends or girlfriends well and everyone will get on. But in the situation where there is a personality clash between the child and the new partner, which doesn't resolve over time, the parent does have to decide where his or her priority lies.

I grew up with my dad and stepmum - no choice, obvs.
I didn't have much in common with her to start with and also she already had two children so didn't put as much effort into me as she might have done. It's fair to say that at the start I was unhappy with the situation. But she and my dad did put a lot of effort into doing family things (holidays, rules, birthdays, mealtimes), and overall I was glad that she made my dad happy and that he was in love and not lonely. We get on very well now and I do love her -- she's the only mum I've had but still the bond is not watertight. Sometimes I still wonder whether, if my dad died, she'd still want to see me/stay in touch.
So, what am I saying. My dad did kind of force me to accept her, but it was probably for the best overall.

I gained a lot of perspective from this thread so thank you OP for posting and for the very insightful debate and opinions that ensued.

My DD (13) is struggling to cope with feeling pushed out and sidelined in our new family dynamic although DP doesn't yet live with us - but will do from next summer. He believes her to be a acting like a spoiled brat, not having all my attention now that he's on the scene. He's completely dismissive of the fact that she has feelings that need to be taken into account and I'm feeling pulled in all directions to the point it's making me feel ill. He's making it all about him and, believe it or not, is sulking. I can't even bring her up in conversation because he puts a negative slant on anything to do with her.

DP lives currently overseas so we only see each other for short periods of time and naturally want to spend as much of that time together as possible. I wasn't aware of how these short bursts of time were affecting DD but I acknowledge she has a point and intend to do things differently.

Getting DP to adjust his is another task altogether as he's very dogmatic with his opinions of how a child should be parented. They differ greatly from mine and to be honest, he's parented 3 children who are now all grown up in their 30s and IMO there's little evidence to suggest that's worked out well at all.

I think I've been very naive to believe we could all muddle along together as one big happy family and will take much from the opinions here to try and put things on a footing that will work for everyone, whatever that might be.