Mum asking step children to lie and sneak around

[thebluehen]

My dsd2 aged 16 who lives with us full time and sees her mum once a week has been asked by mum to go behind our back and search through our stuff to find a stamp collection of hers that she claims we have.

Firstly I have never come across her stamp collection (have lived with dp in their old marital home for over 4 years) and we've moved house too.

She left dp 8.5 years ago for another man and came back several times for her stuff at that time.

I am so angry that she's asked dsd to do this. Dsd was open with us and we both said that mum would be welcome to it but we don't think we have it.

This isn't the first time the ex has accused us of "keeping her things". I am sure that dsd1 has taken stuff from our home, but can't prove it.

I am so glad dsd spoke to us but I'm really cross that she was asked to lie. :-(

And then some people wonder why as a step mum you can feel the kids are "spies in the camp".

I don't feel like that about dsd2 as she's open and transparent and but my other step children are asked to lie to us (I've seen texts and e-mails from ex wife to them).

I feel if I contact ex about this she will take it out on dsd2 for getting the her "into trouble". Should I contact her and ask her not to use the children as her spies or just leave it? The ex has virtually no communication with us and has been very obstructive and difficult in the past, and to be honest, since she went N/C things have been been much, much nicer.

Could your DSD go back to her mum that no, she isn't prepared to go sneaking around your house, and her DM should ask your DP direct if he has her stamps? It's good that DSD was honest with you, but really she needs to be honest with her DM too and make it clear that she's not going to agree to be sneaking around your house looking for her DM's possessions in the first place. I think that message would be best coming from your DSD direct, rather than via you or DP. She could offer to ask you if you have them, but not to go sneaking around looking for them.

I'd leave it, tbh. Lots of positive feedback to your dsd2 for being open with you - not in front of the other DSC though.

And, sadly, you may have to lock things up to stop them snooping. I very much doubt you can appeal to their mums better nature - most people don't need to be asked not to use their DCs as spies, do they?

Lying? well - all kids do it, and if they are actively encouraged, rather than guided appropriately, then they'll carry on doing it. Just take everything they say with a pinch of salt.

I too would leave it. The fact that she has been open and honest about what her mum's asked speaks volumes for your relationship. Slightly off topic but I've no doubt a lot of kids get asked about things when at the ex's home. Sometimes it's just natural curiosity. Other times it's damn right nosiness.

I know each time my DSC go home from their weekend here they're asked for a blow by blow account of exactly what happened during their weekend. They've been asked for ridiculous things such as if we have an upstairs or downstairs loo, what type of bath we have and what colour bedroom DH and I have. Once DH caught them snooping through one of our drawers that had personal bills in. Now we just make sure they are out of reach of prying eyes that may be unwilling spies.

There's a bit of a difference between asking your DC about what they've been up to at a weekend though, and how things are at their dad's home, to asking them to go snooping for things you want though isn't there?

I often chat to my DCs about life at their dad's - tbh I don't need to ask my DD much as she's still at an age when she just wants to tell me everything that goes on in her life :) But it's very natural to want to know how things are for them at their other home, and that does sometimes include finding out things (inadvertantly) about the state of your ex's relationship, or things they might rather you didn't know.

But that's a world away from actually asking a DC to sneak. I agree with wakey really on this - most parents wouldn't need to be told not to use their DC as spies, if they do, and the DSC don't feel they can simply say no themselves, then it's probably not going to go well for you or your DP to try asking them not to.

There's a bit of a difference between asking your DC about what they've been up to at a weekend though, and how things are at their dad's home, to asking them to go snooping for things you want though isn't there?

Yes, definitely Purple. Although, I have a feeling they were snooping at our bills to try and gauge where we stand financially. Mum constantly wants to know the household income despite being told it's none of her beeswax. As is her income none of ours.

No, the household income is not the sort of thing I'd include in general "what did you get up to at dad's?" type of questioning

I've seen the kids walking round the house taking photos which I later found out were for their mum to see.

Dsd1 thinks any paperwork left anywhere is fair game for her to nose through and we have had so many emails from ex about things that only dsd1 could have told her.

I can lock up valuables and financial records but I can't lock up my entire home.

What if I had caught dsd2 taking my possessions that she thought were mums? What would that have done to our relationship?

I would never ask my ds to lie to his dad about anything, neither dp or I have ever asked the dsc to lie to anyone.

And this woman has preached so many times about not "using the kids" to pass messages and she is the one asking the kids to deceive us, lie and steal from our home.

I just don't understand. You are right, I won't contact her, it will achieve nothing.

That's just so wrong and horrible for you, and the children. But sadly I agree with the others, I don't think raising this with the mum is likely to achieve anything. Depending on the dynamics between the DSC, could you encourage the open one to always tell you directly if she hears of anything her mum wants from your home, so you can 'look for it' directly yourself? Would she have influence over her siblings in setting a good example?