Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

Jealous of partners 18yo daughter

19 replies

Differentusernameforthis · 15/09/2014 12:34

I feel so ridiculously stupid posting this. I am 30 and secretly jealous of my partners 18 year old daughter.
She is doing her A-levels and is making great strides into getting into the university she needs and gain her dream career, she is so clever. She has an amazing social life too as most 18 year olds do.
I think the reason behind how I feel is because when I was her age I was a single mum to a newborn (my own fault), the career she has chosen is what I had been planning to go into before I accidentally fell pregnant. I never managed to get back into studying, I've worked full-time in a low-paid job ever since because I have to. I lost a lot of my friends when I fell pregnant. Only 1-2 stayed in touch.

I don't know what I want anyone to tell me, i know i am the only one who can change, I think I just needed to get this out.

OP posts:

Gunznroses · 15/09/2014 12:39

Its not too late for you to get back into education. It will be harder than if you'd just done it at 18 and probably have to do it part-time but it's certainly achievable. What is is you want to study?

FlossyMoo · 15/09/2014 12:42

I feel jealous of young people too. I am jealous of their energy and the clean start they have to do wonderful things in their life.
I don't think it makes you a bad person OP. Sometimes seeing how another persons life is going can make you reflect on your own.

You are correct in that only you can change your life and sometimes being jealous of somebody can give you the prompt to do it.

Just don't let your jealousy turn in to resentment.

It sounds like you admire your DSD and are proud of her achievements. Don't be so hard on yourself

ArsenicFaceCream · 15/09/2014 12:43

the career she has chosen is what I had been planning to go into before I accidentally fell pregnant.

Ouch. That's an uncomfortable coincidence.

Do you feel you haven't fulfilled your potential? 30 is a good age for a new challenge. What are your ambitions now?

emotionsecho · 15/09/2014 12:46

It's crap looking at 'what might have been' isn't it? I imagine it resonates even more when it is so close to you. Do you have a god relationship with her? If so your enthusiasm and encouragement will be invaluable to her, and give you a shared interest.

Look at the positives, you have a child, have a good work ethic, are perceptive enough to know that any change has to come from you. It is never too late, look into options and don't let minor inconveniences become major obstacles, you are capable of achieving what you want, it may take longer and may require changes but you can do it.

VagueFace · 15/09/2014 13:02

I don't think it's actually your DSD you're jealous of. I think it's more along the lines of her mirroring achievements you set for yourself at her age which make you envious and wish you were in her shoes. You'd probably feel the same with anyone else having done the same - DSD or not.

FWIW 30 isn't old at all and is still young enough to set yourself on a path towards what you'd like to achieve. Just because you took a different path in life to your DSD doesn't mean you're too old to get to where you want be.

Damnautocorrect · 15/09/2014 13:02

I torture myself with my 'what should have been' life frequently, let alone having to see someone live it- that would be awful!
Is it too late? Mine is as it's not dooable with kids. Does she know it was your interest too?

chocolaterainbow · 15/09/2014 13:03

Hey OP, I guess you're trying to be happy for DSD but it's understandable that it's reminding you of your regrets. I'm about the same age as you (actually I'm 29 so technically I'm much younger as I'm still clinging on dearly to my 20s hehe) and I had my DC young and messed up the career part of my life quite splendidly. I went back to college and did an access course and I'm now about to start a degree with the OU (I did consider a brick uni, butnone had the subject I wanted locally) You're not too old, and it's definitely not too late to get the career you want. People on low incomes can get grants to study part or full time too so don't let that put you off. (have a look on the student finance website).

Original poster

Differentusernameforthis · 15/09/2014 13:06

To answer the q's: Yes I definitely do feel I haven't reached my potential.
The career is nursing. Or something similar.
We have a good relationship and get on very well.

OP posts:

ArsenicFaceCream · 15/09/2014 13:13

I don't think it's actually your DSD you're jealous of.

Yes. It sounds more like envy, which is a less toxic emotion and can be quite helpful if you analyse it to discover what you are envious off and why.

Do something positive today OP. Order a career book or a prospectus. Make some calls about work shadowing. Read a awebsite about different healthcare careers (or something completely different).

When I retrained I (finally) made the decision and was in lectures within 5 days. September is a good month for decisions. There might be taster courses.

emotionsecho · 15/09/2014 13:31

Let your dsds success inspire you to achieve what you know you can. Think where you would like to be in 5 years time and then plan how to make it a reality. Just finding out what is available will spur you on to make a decision.

Don't be too hard on yourself for feeling as you do you are only human and a lot of us feel like that from time to time.
You have a good relationship with your dsd and that is something to be proud of and cherish.

purpleroses · 15/09/2014 16:05

If I'm honest I feel a bit envious of my DSD1 sometimes - she's confident, hugely socialble, very bright and about to go off to university. I did go to university too at her age, but wish I'd gone with the confidence and social skills that she has! I feel a bit similar with my own DD too sometimes, though with your own DC is a bit easier just to feel happy for her rather than envious. My DSD2 interestingly is not so confident, nor so high achieving, and actually I think that makes her easier to love in a way.

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. How old is your youngest DC? If you have your kids young you have a huge amount of fun life to come post-child. When your DSD's, say, 35 she might be struggling with sleepless nights with a newborn, or be a newly single mum, or who knows what, whilst you might be waving your youngest off to Uni and emarking on a new part of your life without the commitment of young children any more, but enjoying being an occasional very young step-granny :) It all goes up and down.

There's lots of routes into nursing, many of which you can do later in life. And 30's not old at all. I knew plenty of people at 30 who hadn't even had children and still didn't know what they wanted to do with their lives yet.

Damnautocorrect · 15/09/2014 16:22

I've three friends currently training in nursing / midwifery, ones 38, one 44 and another 36.
I think its a fairly common and available course to pick up later.

guitarosauras · 15/09/2014 16:25

I'm 36 with 3 dc and about to qualify as a nurse. It's not too late for you.
I think it's one of those jobs where life experience is crucial so in many ways it's better to do it when you're that bit older.

Fooso · 17/09/2014 09:19

I too have a friend who is mid-40s and has just qualified to be a nurse - something she's always dreamt of... so never too late...

robotroy · 17/09/2014 16:28

I have felt this a few times in my life, not with my SD but with general people I've been around. I agree it's good to sit and think about why you feel like that. Then make yourself a little plan as to how to get to where you really want to be. Tackle it in small steps, and you can get there.

I think there's two ways you can handle this, feel burning envy and get all bitter and never do anything about it. Way two, use that burning envy as a power to spur you on to get what you want. And even get SD to help! Be honest, I really wanted to do what you are doing, I'm so proud and a little jealous and I would really like to try again myself. It could even be something you enjoy bringing you closer together. It could be a positive for her in her growth as a young woman and a boost to see how you admire her.

The times I have felt like this, almost sick with envy, I've always ended up better off later on. We are all fundamentally a bit lazy, so we need to have a little desire to be better and envy is a powerful drive if you use it for a positive result. Good luck!

annielouisa · 17/09/2014 20:11

How about an OU course and then apply for nurse training? 30 is young let DSD be your inspiration. I AM 56 and about to start the last module for my OU degree so 30 is just a baby

LeftHandedMouse · 19/09/2014 11:11

My sister is 57, she's just applied to the 'Back to Nursing' scheme havnig been out for 25 years or so.

She's just left her a**e of a husband now the kids have all left home and is starting life again.

Never too late. And 30 is young, wish I was that young !!

Wdigin2this · 12/02/2015 09:35

I'm in my mid 60's, often told I look 10 years younger, we have kids and g-kids between us (which has been and continues to be challenging), but nevertheless my life is relatively good! Yet, I could spit with jealousy when I look at people in their 20's and 30's, not because of anything I did or didn't do in life....but just because I'm not!!!

Runnyhunny · 12/02/2015 18:16

I would hate to be that age again. Quite a bit older than you op now, but feel comfortable in my own skin and not bothered what others think. 18 comes with a whole host of challenges with relationships etc.. You're definitely not to old to follow your dreams but the grass isn't always greener...

Flip