Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

Step Parenting Help!!!!!

20 replies

MSJLP · 14/09/2014 20:28

Have been with my DP for 12 months and everything perfect except for his son. I have never come across such a devious manipulative child who can twist his father round his little finger. I have 2 kids of my own, theyre no angels but have tried to get on with DSS who we see every other wkend, but quite frankly his behaviour is beyond belief. His favourite trick is to run off when he is not getting his own way. He's 11 and chooses his moment, when his actions cause the greatest effect, running out of the airport at check in when DD said something he didn't like, running off in Spain when he didn't win at cards, running off when he's asked to change so that we could all go out for a treat.... He argues constantly and his Dad just can't disciple him as he screams runs off tells his Mum and causes he'll..... I'm at the end of my tether, I can't believe I can actively dislike a child this much

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Sunflowersareblue · 14/09/2014 20:37

I feel for you, but you are so gonna get slated cos sm are not allowed to slag off sdc on here....

NickiFury · 14/09/2014 20:38

I think you need to end this relationship don't you? He's obviously not going anywhere and it sounds very tough for all concerned.

riverboat1 · 14/09/2014 20:59

The change has to come from your DP, he has to be able to discipline his own son and manage his behaviour so it doesn't devolve to running away and putting himself in danger...

Its really tough when everything else is great in your relationship. But this sounds hideous to live with - only you know if its worth the risk of staying on the basis that your DP will be able to bring his sons behaviour under control, and you will then feel more warmly towards his son. Or, you continue your relationship without doing joint holidays and blending the families. Or, you leave...

WakeyCakey45 · 14/09/2014 21:20

Sounds like totally ineffective parenting. Why does his screaming, running off, or telling his mum mean that your DP can't discipline him?
Sounds like your DPs son is responding in a perfectly natural manner for his age and situation.

Question is, will your DP begin to parent effectively, or will he sacrifice his relationship with you in order to sustain his ineffective parenting of his DS?

FlossyMoo · 14/09/2014 22:02

Unless his father starts to parent him, give him boundaries and a balance of praise and punishment this situation will not improve.

You need to speak to DP and you also need to decide if this can be your life if DP does not change.

I'm not a LTB promoter however I do think in some situations it is the only option. You and your DC deserve a stress free & happy life too.

Original poster

MSJLP · 15/09/2014 03:48

Thanks for all your messages. My DP gives in because if the child gets too upset he tells his mum and she then withdraws access

OP posts:

MexicanSpringtime · 15/09/2014 04:01

Gosh I feel for you, OP. Not a step-parent but have immense admiration people in your position. I suggest that as you have no other complaints about your DP, you continue your relationship without doing joint holidays and blending the families

But your DP is not doing his son any favours by not having any boundaries.

purpleroses · 15/09/2014 07:29

My DSS has done the running off thing a few times when he's not for his own way and is upset about something. It's awful, especially if you're somewhere where he's in danger.

But thankfully my DH has come down on him like a ton of bricks when he's done it he's been shouted at, which maybe isn't ideal parenting but does work to send the message that this isn't on. He's also had compete time withdrawn for it.

Not disciplining a child who runs off is lost patently and actually puts your child at risk I think, of they keep running off as a result.

I can see that you're DP is nervous of upsetting his ex but can't see how you could make a blended family work unless he is prepared to discipline him. If you have similar aged DC (like we have too) you need to be able to have the same rules for them all. It just can't work otherwise.

purpleroses · 15/09/2014 07:30

Sorry complete time should read computer time

FlossyMoo · 15/09/2014 08:02

Your DP needs to discuss the issues with his ex. Running off is very dangerous and your DP needs to know that he can parent him and keep him safe without any backlash from ex.

Your DSS will manipulate the situation because he can/is allowed to and only your DP can stop that behavior.

WakeyCakey45 · 15/09/2014 08:23

Your DP needs to discuss the issues with his ex. Running off is very dangerous and your DP needs to know that he can parent him and keep him safe without any backlash from ex.

I may be wrong, but I doubt a mum who is willing to withhold contact of an 11 year old because he's upset by being told off by his Dad is going to be receptive to a "discussion".

At 11 years old, I'd be tempted to allow the DC to experience the "natural consequences" of running off - not while on holiday in Spain, necessarily, but in an Airport or home town, then he's old enough to understand that his Dad won't chase him, and if he goes missing, then his Dad has no choice but to call the police.

FlossyMoo · 15/09/2014 08:51

So what then Wakey the dad shouldn't try?

Sorry but I believe that you put the effort in with children even if it means trying to reason with a difficult ex. Granted the ex may not wish to discuss it and nothing will change but at least the dad has tried. Isn't that better than not trying at all?

VagueFace · 15/09/2014 08:54

My DP gives in because if the child gets too upset he tells his mum and she then withdraws access

And that's the crux of it. So many times this is the issue with regards to how separated parents (more often than not) dads parent their children.

He throws these mega tantrums because he knows dad will eventually give in. Dad needs to follow through with consequences with his bad behaviour. Constantly giving in gives him the message that this type of behaviour is ok and that he can get away with it. Each time he behaves like this take pocket money away, limit TV and computer/IPad time and explain why you are doing so.

Is his behaviour the same when he's in Mum's care? What does she do when he's like this?

WakeyCakey45 · 15/09/2014 08:57

Granted the ex may not wish to discuss it and nothing will change but at least the dad has tried. Isn't that better than not trying at all?

I guess it depends whether "nothing changing" is the worst possible outcome for the DCs, or whether, from experience, the OPs DP knows that speaking to his ex will make things worse for the DCs.
Sometimes, doing nothing is necessary to protect the DCs from further negative consequences.

A few years ago, I'd have been vehemently against that approach - but I've read, seen and experienced too many situations in which DCs have suffered because one parent refused to accomodate the other parents unreasonableness and has continued to do "the right thing" and carried on trying despite the fallout.

FlossyMoo · 15/09/2014 09:03

Your experiences are not everyone's Wakey. If yours was the stance taken by all then nothing would change in families that have issues.

The child is putting himself in real danger by running away. That to me has greater consequences than dad communicating with the ex.

WakeyCakey45 · 15/09/2014 09:11

Your experiences are not everyone's Wakey. If yours was the stance taken by all then nothing would change in families that have issues.

All I did was express my opinion.

I qualified all my statements. "I may be wrong", "I've read, seen and experienced" and "I guess it depends".

If that does not make it clear that am expressing my opinion from my own experience, not saying it's always the same for everyone, then how do you think I should qualify my comments to make it clearer?

The OP can decide, based on her knowledge if her own situation, which advice on the thread will be most appropriate.

FlossyMoo · 15/09/2014 09:22

I don't know. Try taking a more positive approach to threads sometimes. You are very negative because of your experiences and that comes across in nearly every thread. Try putting aside what has happened to you and imagine this family don't have the same issues and give advice from that standing point instead of giving it based from your own personally standing point.

^Not sure that makes any sense but stuff it it's Monday and I have had 2 hours sleep

WakeyCakey45 · 15/09/2014 09:32

Try putting aside what has happened to you and imagine this family don't have the same issues and give advice from that standing point instead of giving it based from your own personally standing point.

You think I should post on MN from a point of view other than my own?

FlossyMoo · 15/09/2014 09:48

Sort of.

I don't have experience of difficult SDC's or a difficult exw however I do post on threads of those that do. I try and give advice from their standing point not my own because giving advice based on my own experiences wouldn't be helpful.

NickiFury · 15/09/2014 10:21

I get what you mean flossy. I have two children with SN. Life can be very extreme at times. Advice on how I deal with them wouldn't be relevant to everyone because it's not a common experience. However I still feel qualified to post on general parenting advice threads and don't colour everyone else's situation with my own experiences, insisting outcomes will be the same for the them. So still from my own point of view but not insisting that everyone will have the same experience,

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread