Need some advice about DSS tantrums

[blackjacker]

Hi everyone :)

I have lurked here for the past two years and got lots of good advice from looking at people's experiences and advice.

I've been with DP for almost two years and he has two sons, 4 and 7 who we have every week Friday to Sunday and half of school hold. We moved in together about 6 months ago and I'm getting to the end of my tether with DSS7 tantrums. Apparently he has always been highly strung and his mum and dad were just hoping he would grow out of it, but in time I've know him they just seem to have gotten worse.

I think the crux of my problem is that I'm sick of being alternately ignored or screamed at when I ask DSS to do something, like tidy his room before he can play on the iPad, or ask him to complete his homework. This happens about 10 times a day, whenever he is asked to do anything. I don't think this problem is just with me, DP and DSS's mum get the same reaction and we're all running out of patience dealing with it, but it's more difficult for me because I feel like I can't be seen to be 'complaining' about him because I'm not his mum IYSWIM? I also don't feel comfortable losing my temper with him like DP and his mum because I don't want to be seen as the evil step mum so I make a concerted effort to remain as calm as possible and not raise my voice at him and then go and lock myself in the toilet and cry after he tantrums :(

I need to tell DP that I'm finding his tantrums hard to deal with. I've offered to research methods on how we can cope better and I've read great stuff about 123 Magic on here which I think would work but I don't know how to phrase it without sounding like I'm criticising his parenting. Help!

hiya I also have a dss who used to tantrum so you have my sympathy!! I haven't hearing the 123 magic you mention but I find the only think that sorts it is to say "go to your room and come back when you are calm" just simply refuse to engage as I found 98% of it was attention seeking. but make sure whatever task you had asked him to do is still there for him to do when he comes back.

as for broaching it with your dp i would be honest. tell him it's not to do with his parenting but your ability to cope with the tantrums. tell him that as discussed you have done some research and present him with a crib sheet of things you have looked at and then say you think x might be worth a try what does he think

my biggest mistake with dp was to try and hide how hard I was finding it all. honesty and openness has been the only thing to keep us together at times!

I have a highly strung child - probably as a result of his dyspraxia and being the child of a highly strung mother !. I find the 'go to your room and come back when you're ready to talk sensibly' method works for us. There is usually a lot of shouting and banging about (about 5 minutes), then it goes quiet (another 5 minutes) and then he'll reappear with an apology. If it's attention seeking, any attention is good (even if you've totally lost your temper with them) so total disengagement with the behaviour seems to yield the best results.

Hi OP, as for approaching it with your DP, I'm at the early stages of spending time with my DP's DC, and he with mine. They are similar ages so some of the same issues crop up. We've had a few chats already about 'how would you like me to deal with this with your DC?' stuff. I think you should be honest about how it's making you feel and ask him to support you so that you feel like you are a united front. Try approaching it by saying help - you're their dad, I need you to show me the ropes and back me up when I'm finding it hard. Then it's not a criticism of him, it's a valid and reasonable appeal for a bit more teamwork.

My own DC drive me up the flipping wall, and I know that I would struggle a lot more with my DPs kids if I was dropped in to that age range without having any experience of having kids already. It's not you - young kids are really hard work. Whatever you do, don't keep hiding in the bathroom crying and covering it up. That way madness lies. Your DP loves you and would probably hate to imagine that happening. So get him on board, it's still early days and you can def turn it around. Good luck!