Handovers for contact

[nomoretether]

Are they a nightmare for anyone else?

Have been done through a contact centre for the last year to avoid contact between DH and exW as children were distressed when done direct. These were fine but ordered by the court to do them direct from now on.

Last week, her solicitor said exW would leave with the children after 15 minutes if the children were distressed. Contact is court ordered, she can't just leave.

Last handover, instead of just handing them over she kept picking them up and cuddling them, saying (in front of the kids) "They don't want to go with you, why are you doing this to them, why are you taking it out on them". Not sure what she means by taking "it" out - he doesn't hold any grudges about the end of their marriage. She threatened to call the police saying that DH was "taking them against their will". She was leaning into our car filming them because they were crying.

He has tried and tried to say if you just handover and leave, they're fine. Contact is fine - they aren't distressed or withdrawn, they don't ask to go back to mums, they don't ask to call her even. They are happy, smiling, engaged children. CAFCASS confirmed her anxieties about contact are being picked up on by the children and that contact is in the children's best interests and that both DH & ExW need to show the children that they are promoting contact.

Poor DH is at his wits end with what to do. I don't get involved but I am struggling with seeing DH this upset and knowing what the poor DSC are having to go through at every handover. Surely it doesn't have to be this hard?

How on earth do we minimise the impact on the children?

(And no, I'm not the OW )

Funny how us sm's always feel the need to say 'not the OW', lol! Even if I was, shit still no reason for dm's to bully little kids is it...

Typical embittered ex. Dear god, why do they punish the children like this, pathetic. I know what you're saying, ten minutes later they'll be absolutely fine, but if this continues it will be very damaging to them emotionally. And that torn, disloyal, guilty feeling may start to creep into the time that you have together. The fault of the mother, not yours. I imagine, that you and dh just drop and go when you take them back, no screaming, crying, ranting about the police.....

Could a close relative do it, or accompany dh, it may make her behaviour better with a rational audience, or maybe a pick up after school/drop off to school?

Frustratingly the court rejected our call and CAFCASS's recommendation for a school handover. Family are over 2 hours away so also not an option. I don't go to handovers as I think that would just make it worse.

You'd think there would be some agency or service that could support children in situations like this wouldn't you. Poor kids. What a nightmare :(

those poor kiddies!!

I'd look onto whether there is a mutual third party who could facilitate I'm the same way as the contact centre did. it there a mutual friend or an impartial relative nearby that could help?

I would also document it and refer it back to cafcass, ime they are bloody useless but if she ever does involve the police or it goes back to court your dh will come out looking better by raising the emotional abuse that his ex is using

I think he might need to call her bluff, and allow her to "leave" as she threatens to do.

This is one of those situations that might have to escalate in order for your DP to get the support the DCs.
Can he just ignore her histrionics, and say to the DCs he's going to sit in the car until they are ready to go?

We've suggested she finds a relative or friend or someone else who does it instead, she refused that too.

Will try letting CAFCASS know. They told us to go to social services last time which feels a bit like throwing petrol on a bonfire.

DH says he can't put them through that sort of handover again so I guess we'd better prepare for a return to court for enforcement (as pointless as that is!).

How old are the kids OP?

Infant school age.

Oh shit, shame poor kids, I don't know the answer, apart from definitely creating a history/paper trail with CAFCASS and court which I don't know much about. Would it help to get a witness to see this behaviour, I know it's a long way, but maybe once take a relative or friend. Or take a video/audio recording to show just how damaging this current handover situation is? As your dh has ascertained (bless him, he must be worried sick) this handover is very detrimental and can't continue like this.

I know it sounds awful buy don't let dh stop turning up for the contact or it will be him it looks bad on but if cafcass have suggested SS then o wouldn't be ignoring it.

yes you are right about petrol on a bonfire but equally she is emotionally abusing the children and that needs to stop. he needs to be seem to be doing everything by the book

whereis put it much better than me - in order to get help for the future, the DCs will have to continue to be exposed to their mums abuse in the short term.
It's awful.

Oh yes he won't stop turning up when he should. At the moment he's treating it as he would if they were refusing to go to school or anywhere else. It's just heartbreaking really. Will encourage him to contact CAFCASS and social services on Monday to see what we can do. The youngest has now come out with "Mummy says she will get you arrested because we don't want to go with you".

Wow she is a really good advert for parenting!

keep doing what you are doing and document everything!

we have issues with dp's exw around contact and we are keeping evidence of every last little thing too.

This weekend it's "Mummy says there's monsters in your house" to which DH of course said "Don't worry, there's no monsters in Daddy's house". The reply from DSC? "Mummy says hell is under your house". This child is four. I absolutely despair of this woman. Who does that to a child?!

What a nightmare, OP!

I hope you have a full wine rack.