When support and care of a stepchild does more harm than good

[WakeyCakey45]

I made a comment on another thread which I have been asked to explain, so rather than hijack that thread, I've started another, as it wasn't directly related to the discussion, and I think this is a debate all of it's own.

My experience is that in some cases, a stepparent who actively supports and cares for a stepchild in their life can inadvertently make that DCs life a great deal harder than it needs to be.

I am referring to cases where the resident parent displays impacable hostility towards the non-resident parent and/or the stepparent. Situations in which the child knows that their resident parent will be angry/abusive if they (the child) display any positive feelings towards the stepparent. In extreme cases, the child fears even thinking positive things about the stepparent, in case the hostile parent somehow finds out.

For these children, being in receipt of kindness and care from a stepparent can result in emotional conflict to the point where they choose not to spend time with the stepparent, even if that means rejecting their own parent in the process.

I am not suggesting for one moment that the stepparent is deliberately "unpleasant" - although I'm sure I'm not the only stepparent who has been told by a sobbing stepchild that "it would be easier if you were mean to me", but avoiding situations that contibute to the conflict, even if it is counterintuitive, minimises the damage.

In retrospect, I wish I had shown less interest in my DSC's achievements (they struggled with the contrast between my praise and their mums disinterest), had stepped back from family games, mealtimes, even washing their laundry; things they enjoyed, appreciated and/or gained benefit from. By enjoying my company, they were defying their mum. I could have prevented that by

I appreciate this is not the norm for everyone, but implacable hostility is increasingly coining to the attention of the courts as NRP are no long willing to walk away as they may have been a generation or two ago. This

My massive post just got lost.
But yes I did and bollocks to them.
My DD is happy and well adjusted. She loves her DStep as do I

Brilliant post.

thanks but have some yourself too. I'm off to negotiate at NATO level with my shoe-obsessed DD for school shoes and will be sending pictures during the conflict to my Allied DStep for sanctions backup.

Oh wait we did that....
Result
Ceasefire with a suitable stylish brogue AND a pair of FloralVom™ Dolly whatsit-doodads

yeah we lost a little bit

wakey that's an interesting post, and one I certainly feel able to relate to.

I was an older child when my parents split up. Dad left and married the OW. I had no contact with my dad for around five years - not because I was angry with him (I was, but I still loved him) but because I didn't feel like I could have a relationship with him without her being involved. Which would've killed my mother, who after forty years of marriage, giving up her career to follow his job around and being very much the 'little woman' struggled a lot after the divorce - and was very bitter towards him, understandably so.

We do have contact now, but I still have issues over my dad's wife not stepping back and allowing me to develop a relationship with just my dad...even now, as an adult with a bit of perspective on the situation, it feels very much like he chose her over me.

I can only imagine what a head fuck that would be if I was faced with it as a child.

And breville that's a wonderful post.