When support and care of a stepchild does more harm than good

[WakeyCakey45]

I made a comment on another thread which I have been asked to explain, so rather than hijack that thread, I've started another, as it wasn't directly related to the discussion, and I think this is a debate all of it's own.

My experience is that in some cases, a stepparent who actively supports and cares for a stepchild in their life can inadvertently make that DCs life a great deal harder than it needs to be.

I am referring to cases where the resident parent displays impacable hostility towards the non-resident parent and/or the stepparent. Situations in which the child knows that their resident parent will be angry/abusive if they (the child) display any positive feelings towards the stepparent. In extreme cases, the child fears even thinking positive things about the stepparent, in case the hostile parent somehow finds out.

For these children, being in receipt of kindness and care from a stepparent can result in emotional conflict to the point where they choose not to spend time with the stepparent, even if that means rejecting their own parent in the process.

I am not suggesting for one moment that the stepparent is deliberately "unpleasant" - although I'm sure I'm not the only stepparent who has been told by a sobbing stepchild that "it would be easier if you were mean to me", but avoiding situations that contibute to the conflict, even if it is counterintuitive, minimises the damage.

In retrospect, I wish I had shown less interest in my DSC's achievements (they struggled with the contrast between my praise and their mums disinterest), had stepped back from family games, mealtimes, even washing their laundry; things they enjoyed, appreciated and/or gained benefit from. By enjoying my company, they were defying their mum. I could have prevented that by

I appreciate this is not the norm for everyone, but implacable hostility is increasingly coining to the attention of the courts as NRP are no long willing to walk away as they may have been a generation or two ago. This

Ignore the rogue "by" and "this" - fat fingers on the ipad!

I appreciate this is not the norm for everyone, but implacable hostility is increasingly coining to the attention of the courts as NRP are no long willing to walk away as they may have been a generation or two ago.

I agree and I believe this is why Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is becoming more recognised by the UK legal system. People are starting to challenge such dysfunctional situations.

I also agree that sometimes its better not to get involved as it causes trauma for the SC. I have completely disengaged and my DH sees the SC on his own now. We just couldn't get through the wall of ice that had been built up. They had clearly been briefed on what they could or couldn't say, anything that went near these areas caused internal conflict you could see it in their faces. It was really uncomfortable for everyone. Very sad really. But it is what it is and after six years of trying I've thrown in the towel. On the plus side things are much more peaceful and harmonious in our house and our marriage is great, our child can grow up in a more positive atmosphere with no tension. So whilst the ex has got her way it's actually made life better for us. It's just the SC I feel sorry for.

you definitely have a very valid point wakey and am not sure why there was any need to clarify as I thought you made your point very well.

I think the issue works in the reverse also where the nrp or step parent openly show hostility towards the rp. my dsc's Dm is a bloody nightmare and I could quite happily never see or speak to her ever again, she has been vindictive and manipulative and lied through her teeth but I very careful not to act negatively regarding her when the kids are around. I make all the "right" noises when they talk about her and things they have done with her or houses they have been to look at with her etc. she is their mum and they love her dearly and to be anything other than friendly towards or about her would quite rightly earn me the wicked step mum crown.

I do wonder if there's a correlation between the circumstances of the parental split and the hostility shown. Dp was kicked out by exw after he caught her cheating on him and whilst not hostile around the kids he certainly hates his ex and I have seen a lot of mum's be very hostile towards and about their cheating ex's both here and in rl. strikes me there is less hostility and in turn less of the behaviour you describe when marriages breakdown naturally rather than because of someone else

I do wonder if there's a correlation between the circumstances of the parental split and the hostility shown.

I believe there is a correlation wheres. My DHs ex told him she wanted a divorce in order to get him to do something she wanted. I think she was gobsmacked when he said he agreed. Ever since you'd think he was the devil incarnate despite paying regular maintenance with no breaks whatsoever and regularly seeing the kids. What a bastard!!

Lol Caterpillar, same on all counts. I have detached quite a bit because I just do not want the stress, it was destroying me, my relationship and to be honest it was starting to affect my children too which I just could not tolerate. You cannot 'win' these dsc over, there's no contest with parental alienation, you're finished before you start sadly. I wish I'd realised that earlier, it cost me months of depression and countless pointless arguments between myself and dp. Such a waste of time. Harmony restored and my contact with dp's dc, is now literally a few hours eow, it's enough, any more and it's damaging. And that's thanks to dsc resident mum, nice one mum! I really do believe that given the chance (and permission from mum) most kids have enough love/care in them for everyone who is in their life.

And as for the ex and the way she and her friends talk about me/him, you'd have thought he'd had an affair and that I was the OW! His dc most likely think I am, must have just kept me hidden away for the three years following his divorce...

I dont understand women like this. I'm an ex step mum (whose SDs live with her for the time being) and have an ex, id rather he be with someone who cares and tries with them, than who actively resents them being there.

If i'd of backed of with mine, I dread to think where they'd be. But in all fairness, their mum was a nightmare who doesnt give a damn. I swear step parenting is one of those things where you cant do right for doing wrong.

I'm old enough to remember the days when step parents were the second husband/wife of a widowed parent.

Children need a mum and a dad. They don't need an extra parent with dubious status and authority.

olgaga - i think your comment is insulting and unhelpful. you have clearly misunderstood the entire point of this topic

olgaga. Thank you for illustrating my point far better than I could explain it.

When a DC shares their life with a parent who believes and expresses (through their words and actions) the same attitude as olgaga, then it is impossible for them to have a positive relationship with a stepparent.
The more kindness, care and support that the stepparent shows, the more confused and conflicted the child will become.

Olgaga - how should stepparents act towards their DSC then in your opinion? I actually agree in most cases they shouldn't try to have the same role as a parent, but there's a massive gap between acting as an outright parent and acting as a supportive/caring/authoritative adult. Or are you saying separated parents shouldnt get into new relationships at all if it means their children and new partner spending time together on a regular basis and therefore inevitably forging some kind of relationship?

Or are you saying separated parents shouldnt get into new relationships at all if it means their children and new partner spending time together on a regular basis and therefore inevitably forging some kind of relationship?

"Staying single for the sake of the children" is a line I've often heard.

Based on my DHs experience, I'd have to say I agree, his DCs probably would be better off if he was single. I'm not convinced they'd have a more positive relationship with him, but at least my existence wouldn't be an issue for them.

But then I look at my DD, who has two amazing stepparents in her life, shares two very different, but equally loving homes with her parents and think that actually, most DCs do benefit from stepfamilies. olgagas opinion is not shared by the majority of separated parents.

I don't think it's the step parents issue and if you have an openly hostile relationship between parents of a child, then that child is going to be harmed, regardless of what the step parent does.

There are so many variables in a blended family setup that not one size fits all. Where is the child resident? Are there other children in the family home? Etc. etc.

This is essentially putting the blame back onto a 3rd party where the two parents are unable to manage their lives amicably for the sake of their children.

keema I view my choice to detach from my DSC as a form of damage limitation - there is no doubt that my DSC are emotionally damaged and no matter what I do, I cannot prevent that.

A stepparents detachment and lack of involvement removes what would be an additional stressor in the DCs life. Of course, it doesn't solve the problem - my DSS has not seen me for a year, and yet he tells DH that his mum goes on about me "all the time".

My comment is not from the point of view of a separated parent, but as a child in an unhappily "blended" family.

Why were you unhappy, Olgaga? Did your DM discourage the relationship? Because that's what this thread is about.

If you were badly treated by your DF or SM, or stepsibs, then that's a different issue. Being unable to recognise the value to a DC of a happy blended family because your DF failed you is a very embittered pov.

It was a complex situation and nothing to do with the attitude of my DM. Not every case fits the stereotype of the "bitter ex" either in my own experience or on here. The fact that you automatically assume that may be the case tells its own story.

All the children thrown into the circumstances of my situation were unhappy and conflicted for many different reasons.

Children can feel an acute sense of disempowerment when adults make decisions and choices about who they develop a relationship with, and expect their children to feel the same way about that person as a matter of course.

Is it really so hard to understand a child's loyalty to their parents gives them at best mixed feelings towards a step parent and a sense of divided loyalty? They are in a situation not of their choosing, but one they must navigate - often reluctantly and lacking the required skills and maturity.

That is what I have interpreted the OP's insightful comments to mean.

I am not "embittered". Just experienced.

It was a complex situation and nothing to do with the attitude of my DM. Not every case fits the stereotype of the "bitter ex" either in my own experience or on here. The fact that you automatically assume that may be the case tells its own story.

A reasonable assumption given that you were posting on a thread about implacable hostility. That is what this thread is about.

And I agree entirely with your assessment in the rest of your post. It is when one or more adults in the situation fail to accommodate it that DCs are damaged further.

Wakey, I feel quite unempowered within my role and that is why I have detached from it. My dp and I are overcoming the hurdle together finally, the hurdle being that no matter what we do, what we say, how we are. No matter the space I give, love he gives, attention, nurturing, detachment, etc. All of the balls that we have to juggle him continually and me eow, it changes very, very little. This realisation for us, had brought us closer together finally, as we no longer blame each other for the little things that caused this or that... because they didn't, it's the hostility, the alienation, what hope have we?

The hostility of the dm determines how the dsc are, how we get on, whether they like me one weekend or their dad, or don't... The setbacks are out of our control, the angry child (who now bullies her siblings) a result of an angry, bitter mother, what chance have we to change her, influence her for the better? So sad. All we can do is do the best we can with the time we have, nurture our family and our relationship (which takes a battering eow) when his kids are home with their dm and hope and pray that they are happy when they are there and that their lives are a bit easier.

I re-read the chapter about letting go in Divorce Poison, as I can see it happening one day with one particular dsc. It's because he loves her so much that he would do this for her, to see her less conflicted and happier at home with the mother that loves her but causes her this pain. No doubt about it though, giving her the easy life that she must crave would be cannon fodder for the ex and dsc would grow up feeling unloved, abandoned by dd, not emotionally abused by dm. She'd never see that he loved her so much and cared for her happiness that he let her go... It's a lose lose.

Fair enough but I do think it is too often assumed that the only reason SCs are unhappy must be because their unhappiness is encouraged by an embittered ex.

I'm not saying that doesn't ever happen. I'm saying that unhappiness and dysfunction can also arise in the best of circumstances, not just the worst.

I think your OP was a refreshingly thoughtful and honest analysis.

Of course families are all different. All we can do is speak from our own experience and empathise with others who also suffer for whatever reason but I hate it when threads go off topic tbh.

In my situation, my own dc and their father and I have a very good relationship. My dc had a good relationship with his gf, THE OW, who ended my marriage catastrophically. It took a couple of months and alot of coaching from me, but the damage repaired pretty quickly. Dc have had no problems with his gf since. The difference is that I encouraged them and made them feel positive and loved and that they could love/care for whoever came into their fathers life and I was okay with it. Even early days when I wasn't, I hid it. I didn't do it for the ex, I did it for me and for my dear children because all I want for them is a happy life, whether they are with me or their dad. Their happiness is more important than any baggage that I may carry. So my children are proof to me that if an ex (me) overcomes bitterness and puts the children first, they can accept change and be happy and accept a 2nd home, a NRP and (god forbid!) a step parent with relative ease.

My dp's ex is the typical embittered ex. Although she has nothing to be embittered about, nothing. Dp always supports financially and with all the time he gets he never lets them down. What a bastard! Sad that actually having a relationship with his child may actually do the child more harm than good. Mind boggling.

My DD would be lost without her step mum. When the relationship between me and DExp ended DStep was on the scene BUT she wasn't the OW. My DExp had the balls to discuss with me the fact that we weren't working and that he was beginning to develop an attraction to DStep.
I met DStep before she started a relationship and we got on ok. Yes it was a bit difficult for me, knowing that she would be doing the main bits of mothering. But she was careful not to make me feel second best. I was careful to make sure DD knew I was fine with the new ralationship and that I wasn't being replaced but that DD was gaining another person who loved her.
DD is now 13 and this is still working for us. But yes it was difficult and took a whole lot of 'doing what was best for DD' rather than wallowing in jealousy. I had to grow up fast.

Now
I wouldn't change a thing. DStep is one of my best friends and I love her dearly.

breville my marriage to my DDs dad ended similarly, although it was me who ended it.
genuine question, as I've seen it a lot on MN and my exH faced it too - were you on the receiving end of well meaning advice that "of course" they were having an affair? Did anyone try an whip you up into a frenzy of hatred? My exH got thoroughly fed up of being admired for putting DD first and not taking his understandable anger out on me.

Wakey.
Yes people tried. I got 'looks' I got 'you're not really cut out to be a mum are you if you're happy to let 'her' do 'your' job'
Leaving my child and being the NRP and paying maintenance was THE hardest thing I have EVER had to do.
But I did it for DD.
If I had played my face I probably could have dragged my child 100 miles away from her dad, her grandparents, her friends, her school and dumped her with a childminder everyday whilst I struggled to be a single mum.

But why do that to her? I am her mum I'm supposed to do what's best FOR HER which meant leaving her with her dad who since the day she was born stepped up to the plate and who ALWAYS has her best interests at heart. He is an awesome dad and she adores him.
I had the first 5 years of her life to cement myself in her heart as her mum which I did.
She's a lucky girl. She has two mums. DD was never a possession to be fought over. I had no right to fuck up her childhood. So I didn't.
I've made sure that DStep has the same authority as me. We parent together.

But still. The looks the snide comments.
And I couldn't give a flying fuck at a rolling donut.
MY child is happy well-adjusted and now has two beautiful siblings and a happy Daddy.
Which wouldn't have happened if I'd been a cow.

End of epic rant. I salute ALL step parents. Thank you
For trying.