Stepmum in training - first stumble - help!

[ribboncatcher]

Apologies in advance - this is a bit longwinded but I just need to get it all out and hopefully get some advice in return...?

I met my BF almost 6 months ago - he has 2 kids from his marriage (not yet divorced, but ex-wife is in a serious relationship herself as well so it's imminent). He has a daughter just turned 4, and a son just turned 2. My BF currently has the kids every weekend. I have no kids myself.

He has an amicable relationship with his ex and they both try to keep open lines of communication regarding the kids so that they can co-parent effectively. I have met her very briefly and she seems like a very nice lady and is also a fabulous mum to the kids.

My BF and I have been very mindful of not rushing things with the little ones, to make sure they have time to get to know me at a pace that suits them and that I slowly become part of things organically rather than forced. I first met them for an hour at the park when we'd been together about 3 months, and have then visited occasionally at weekends, usually when there is a family get-together or something. I have only stayed two nights at my BF's when the kids are there, (once about a 6 weeks ago and then last weekend). Both times the DSD seemed absolutely fine with this.

I am very mindful of not over-stepping boundaries so am just concentrating on being fun to be around, lively and energetic and playing with DSD, so much so that BF has quipped he would like some play time with his DD too! Any discipline or things like that are up to BF and his family, not me.

It seems to have been going great.

Until this weekend. This was my second stayover - there is always a lot of my BF's family around so time for just the four of us is quite rare. DSD and myself spent most of the weekend playing with dolls, making up stories, having Olympics in the garden, etc etc. We also went to a local farm park for a day out which both seemed to enjoy. The whole weekend seemed to me to be fine and she seemed happy and often seeking me out to play.

This morning my BF had left his phone on the table and I saw a message from the ex saying the DSD has told her she doesn't like me. I am heartbroken and also terrified. Heartbroken because I thought I was really forming a connection with the DSD and it was going well. I am terrified because (completely understandably) the ex must be very concerned that her little girl would say this about someone the ex doesn't know, and I don;t want that to affect the amicable relationship she has with my BF and affect his access, and ultimately my relationship with BF because he feels he has to choose between me and his kids.

I have been racking my brains to think what I could have done to make her not like me and I can't think of anything. I know that sometimes kids "just say things" but the consequences could be really bad for my future with BF.

We are planning to move in together post-divorce and so I really want DSD to feel happy around me as she will inevitably have to spend regular time around me when that happens. The idea was that we slowly increase the amount of time I am around between now and moving in date (early next year) to try and keep things as easy for both kids as possible, but now I am panicking that this might not ever be the case.

I have found the man of my dreams but (and I would expect nothing less) if DSD really does have a problem with me, I know he would end our relationship for her happiness. Because he hasn;t said anything about his ex's message to me (yet) I am unsure whether to say anything to him. He may think nothing of it which is why he hasn't said anything. Or worse, my fear is he is conflicted with what to think but doesn't want to upset me in the meantime as he knows how important it is to me that his kids are happy and comfortable with the situation.

Please please please has anyone been in this same situation and what do you think I should do about it?

OP, don't panic!

It's very unlikely that your DPs DD "doesn't like you". What she's probably struggling with is the fact that she does have a good time with you, but at the same time she, like all DCs with separated parents, sometimes wishes her mum and dad could be together.
It a very, very common emotional conflict for DCs to experience and it is absolutely no reflection on you at all (other then, perhaps, you are a fun person to be with!)

There are some great resources (books, videos, websites etc) published by Relate and other well respected organisations - maybe pick up a copy from your local,library to reassure yourself

Thank you WakeyCakey - I just hope her mum sees it that way.

I fully expect her reaction to be a protective mumma bear one. I have even thought about, if it comes to it, getting BF to ask the ex if she would like to meet with me so she can have a chance to suss me out herself and give her a chance to lay the ground rules down as she sees them. It may be considered subservient by some but I realise the need to be receptive and respectful if this is going to work for EVERYONE long term.

Ultimately, no matter how nice and fun I am, if DSD can see her mum is stressed about me being around this is only going to be difficult for DSD and that is the last thing I would want.

I really wouldn't get involved, tbh - let your DP sort it out with her. As you say, he hasn't mentioned it, so it's not your place to get involved.

He is an equal parent to their DDs - and their mum needs to trust him as a parent - including his judgement about who they spend time with.

You will (inadvertently) undermine his status as an equal parent if you seek his ex's approval of you.
It's his job to keep his DDs happy and safe while they are in his care. If the DCs mum has concerns about his ability as a parent, then there are steps she can take - inviting her to manage their DDs experiences while they are in his care is not sustainable or desirable.

On top of what Wakey said, children will often tell the other parent what they think they want to hear... she doesn't want her Mum to be hurt that she does like you.

It is a minefield you are walking into. It wont all go smoothly. You cannot bend to the every whim of the children or the ex wife. It is one thing to do what you can to make things go smoothly, it's quite another to set yourself up as the 'one always in the wrong/the one who will bend around everyone else/the one whose feelings don't matter' because it's not workable. You will come to resent it and that will damage everyone involved.

There are 3 (or 4) adults involved and two small children everyone deserves due consideration, everyone. Start as you mean to go on. By all means arrange to meet with her. If she is willing you could go out with the DC together, show them that there isn't any issue between you both - but for the love of god don't be throwing yourself at her feet and giving her permission to walk all over you. Her or the DC.

Honesty is important to me, so I would tell your DP you have seen the message and ask if he has spoken to her and how he feels about it.

Does his ex get on with the other adults that were there this weekend, would they tell her that it's not an accurate reflection of how DD is around you?!

Thanks both

LatteLover - his ex is amicable with the rest of them in that they have a quick chat if another family member picks the kids up at the weekend. Not sure how far that extends though.

I definitely need to speak with BF - if he is concerned then obviously we need to talk about it.

Due to go there again this weekend and at this point I just want to stay far, far away so I can't get anything else wrong

I agree with everything previously said. chances are she is scared of saying she likes you in case it upsets her mum.

personally it sounds like you are doing everything right BUT if dp is joking about not getting time to play perhaps she is feeling like she is missing out on her daddy? maybe try and involve dp more and then slope off to make a cuppa and let them play alone. she is very young and may not be able to fully articulate what she means

I agree with wheresthelight, from what you are saying you sound very 'full on,' I would take a step back and let her spend time with her dad and let her come to terms with it on her own time

Hmmm, that's a lightbulb moment too. I think DP has just been so happy that we have been getting on so well he has left us to it somewhat.

I think when I speak to him about all this I will see what he thinks about taking the lead on playtime again - I have lots of books I want to read right now so I am sure I can fill my time :)

yes, I would agree that you have to give space during contact, especially in the beginning. It took a good 18 months for DSS and I to bond. I used to think that DSS came to see his dad not me, so would slink off for a bit. Its different now as DSS has siblings here too, and that has brought us all closer together.

I can see why it has really shaken you, but without any kind of context you shouldn't read too much into it.

Lots of children will tell their parents what they want to hear, or what they just think they want to hear. Maybe her DM asked about you, and she somehow sensed that DM might be insecure to know how well you are getting on together, she could have said it just for that reason. Children can be surprisingly intuitive.

As another poster suggested, it could just be that she is incoherently saying she somehow misses it just being her dad and her (normal) or that she wishes mum and dad were together (again totally normal no matter how great the SP may be)

Unless you and your DP are both surprisingly thick skinned / insensitive / unobservant I highly doubt she really doesn't like you and you had never picked up on it at all.

Did the message from the ex just state the fact alone of what her DD had said, or additionally express concern/worry/desire to get to the bottom of it?

I asked the last question because you shouldn't assume the ex will be out to 'get you' after this! You read about a lot of really difficult, vindictive exes on here but my own DP's ex is very sensible and reasonable. I know that if DSS had said this to her she would have trusted DP enough to take his word if he said he thought that didnt sound right and DSS must be getting at something else.

The message was initially a simple "DSD has said she doesn't like Ribboncatcher. Sorry". My BF then replied to say he was surprised and that we had played all weekend, that she seemed to prefer playing with me than him for now. Ex replied "feeling insecure" (not sure whether she meant her or DSD), and asked had I maybe told DSD off or had anything happened. BF had not replied to messages at point of observation.

All legitimate questions and as previously stated, I fully expect her initial reaction to be one of suspicion and to be protective. I just hope that 1) BF is not alarmed as well but not saying anything and 2) can reassure the ex that really all is well.

I am definitely going to promote more playtime just for BF and DSD if I do go up this weekend. Perhaps I have gotten a little over-excited and in trying to get her to like me I have over-egged it.

Just wondering now if I will ever get the balance right.

Well, I have to say thanks to everyone for supportive but honest advice. I appreciate the fact that you have all been able to point out where I may be going wrong without being horrid about it. THIS kind of help is what I need right now and I am really grateful.

Alpaca, I am actually tee total but I can see my expenditure on Lindt may start to skyrocket at some point.....

You sound great and sadly as a stepparent type, the setbacks that happen, usually they're not about anything you've done wrong and quite often they're completely out of your control. But yes, let your dp take the lead and just enjoy being his back up support. Your number 1 priority is your bf, don't forget that.