how do I deal with hugs

[wheresthelight]

help ladies!!

so dp keeps trying to encourage the kids to hug me before bed etc and it makes me really uncomfortable. at the moment I am just finding excuses like being busy to avoid it but they are smart kids and I don't want them to feel rejected. they are not my kids and whilst I like them loads and a partner me loves spending time with them and as a family with dd (their half sister) the physical closeness just feels weird and unnatural.

how do I handle it better?

thanks gold!

runaway - its funny, Ive had a similar experience! The only time DSS has said that to me was when he himself had absentmindedly snuggled up against me on the sofa while absorbed in his Nintendo D's. When he realised what he had done he blurted out 'you're not my mum OK!' and inched away. I had done nothing at all!

We have a good relationship, but we are not tactile - DSS isn't a very huggy/kissy sort anyway and DP doesn't push it at all, luckily. I do sometimes feel like giving him a hug, but ever since DSS said that thing a few years ago I feel too self conscious/worried he might not I like it, to do it which is a shame really I suppose.

Well, if they don't want you to and you don't want to, doesn't really matter what your DP wants! Seriously, I think reading others' body language is important. If they were upset and you'd naturally give them a hug, then you're not lacking in affection/sympathy - if they're backing off and uncomfortable, then it's insensitive to insist. I do think it's about responding to the DC's cues, not the DP's commands - ask him how he'd feel if his boss insisted a colleague hug him goodbye every evening!

...or indeed if his boss insisted that a colleague fisted him before he left every day...

My DP used to do this, he would tell DSD and DSS to hug me goodbye all the time and I felt uncomfortable with it as well. I don't even know why he insisted on it since he knows I'm not a huggy person at all, and neither are they really. They would never hug me of their own accord so it just didn't feel right, and it doesn't happen now that they are older.

seems someone didn't like being told to get lost when they themselves were incredibly offensive!

I will be chatting to the kids tonight and then will tell their dad what the 3 of us have decided and deliver it as a fate a complie

Trust your instincts, wheres. It's great that you can chat to them and they will probably be relieved.

My DSD only hugs her Dad and that's fine by me. I've had a couple by default when she was upset but I don't expect them. She doesn't even hug her grandmother.

well the chat with dsc's went well, they sometimes want a hug and sometimes don't (flipping kids) but they understand why I feel a bit weird about it as I am not their mummy and don't want to over step the mark. Dss has decided they will ask of they want a hug rather than just lurking about.

been a much less stressful day for me and much easier than it has been.

That's good OP. Just wanted to share that I have a similar experience, you are not alone there. With my own dc, we hug and kiss all day long as we come and go from the house or whatever, mornings, evenings and they are ages 18-13. I will also hug and kiss my friend's dc when they come over and some of the kids close friends too. I'm very affectionate and so are my dc with family/friends. My dp and my own dc are very affectionate. However...

Dp's dc do not want the hugs, they come and go and run into their car when it's time to go. They don't kiss and hug their dd at night that's I've seen and they don't hovver for a goodbye let alone a hug when I see them. So a hug may come on a birthday or xmas... When I do hug them, frequently they will turn their head away, unlike my children who will hug back and give a kiss. Now, I've accepted that it's different, it's not what I want, but I've learnt to live with it and not take it personally. But I cannot tell you the amount of times my dp has mentioned it!

I really don't think some men grasp that not all relationships are the same. I think they worry that if we behave differently towards their kids to our own then the kids will be upset. frankly they need to figure out that forcing the issue is more likely to send their kids running for the hills!

I think it would be very different if I had known them since they were little, but at 11 and 9 they are old enough to make their own decisions. I have only known them for 2 years and to be honest they accepted me straight away and other than the usual parenting style clashes and kids pushing boundaries it has been a really good blend so far.

dsd used to be really huggy and clingy with me but I think it was more because dp really struggled with splitting his time and affection between his two kids. his son is very demanding and would become hysterical of he didn't have daddy's 100% attention (he is the eldest) and she used me as a comfort blanket as she felt so neglected by her dad. having heard from several people including their mum's mum things were the same with her mum so she literally never had her turn at being centre of attention. my amazing mil (died last year) took me to one side and asked me to back her up with trying to make dp realise what he was doing. it took a long time but he has learnt brilliantly and now she gets her turn and he does stuff with them both and doesn't leave her out she doesn't want or need me to be her comfort blanket which is lovely!

Yes, in the past my dp has equated that I don't hug/kiss his kids because I must not like them nor want to! How dense is that?!? What about the bigger issue, that they don't want me to! Jeez, the lead must come from the kids, I give the kids what they want, which is a distance between us... And that is because I do care for them. It's not that difficult to understand is it, I just really wonder the complexities of being a NRP when small things are so hard to grasp and that negative inferences are attached to everything left, right and centre... Sounds like you're doing a great job, just ignore dp as I do when he says things that are not right, in your heart you know they're not right.

Aww thanks shey that is a lovely thing to hear! especially on these boards.

I think the biggest issue is the nrp is terrified that the kids will feel unwanted and not want to come to see them. and I do understand that fear. but they still need to have their privacy amd space respected just like we as adults do.

it is a very difficult juggling act especially when you have additional kids.

Dsc's mother has told them they are not allowed to hug me - ever!! So its totally awkward when dp say to give me a hug. ive said to kids they dont have to its ok and i understand. But if thdy come for a hug ill happily recipricate. Dsd is more likely than dss. I also told dp to stop asking them to hug me as its up to them not him. I then got him to tell the kids that its up to them if they want to. He also proceeded to tell his ex she is being rediculous and making kids feel awkward. 3 yrs later think i have had about 5 hugs in total. Im not bothered i have a neice and nephew who love hugging their Auntie

Exactly Always, these poor kids are coached in alot of cases (certainly mine) to dislike us and to keep a distance. If we can accept it, surely our partners can empathise with us (and the kids) and accept it too. We're doing our best in a really awkward situation, I know I am, but rarely get any thanks for it!

Despite how my dp's kids treat me and how it sometimes makes me feel, I am quite likeable/loveable lol! My kids and every other kid I know will happily give me hugs/conversation/jokes/laughs... except these ones as they're 'not allowed to' and probably any mention of anything positive will be WW3 in their house... Can't blame them really, if I was emotionally abused as a child in this way, I'd probably take the easy route and play along with mum. Feel so sorry for NRP's and partners like us who suffer for no reason other than an ex who chooses hate above everything/everyone else. Sad.