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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

how do I deal with hugs

39 replies

wheresthelight · 05/09/2014 21:32

help ladies!!

so dp keeps trying to encourage the kids to hug me before bed etc and it makes me really uncomfortable. at the moment I am just finding excuses like being busy to avoid it but they are smart kids and I don't want them to feel rejected. they are not my kids and whilst I like them loads and a partner me loves spending time with them and as a family with dd (their half sister) the physical closeness just feels weird and unnatural.

how do I handle it better?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Goldmandra · 05/09/2014 21:35

Tell your DH to back off.

Hugs should be natural and spontaneous, not arranged by a third party.

Original poster

wheresthelight · 05/09/2014 21:44

tried it and to his credit he has tried really hard not to do it but the kids kind of hover waiting for a hug and a kiss and I just feel really rude brushing it off but it really doesn't feel right and I know their Dm would do her nut

OP posts:

needaholidaynow · 05/09/2014 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DayLillie · 05/09/2014 21:53

We always kissed our parents goodnight, and when staying with family, the grandparents, great aunts, and whoever else was around at the time (if we knew them well enough).

Are they that sort of family? Can you think of an alternative goodnight ritual that you would feel more comfortable with?

Goldmandra · 05/09/2014 21:58

How about giving them a kind of side-on hug with one arm around their shoulders while saying something nice? That's a less intimate kind of hug but still an expression of affection IYSWIM.

Don't forget that they may feel the same but also feel obliged to hang around for the hug and kiss so as not to cause you offence. If that is the case they may feel more comfortable with something a little less like a parent/child interaction.

Just a thought but your DH could ask them what they would feel comfortable doing. If they say they feel that hugs with you are forced and a bit awkward you can stop and everybody will be happy.

JustSpeakSense · 05/09/2014 21:59

You sound really cold. Just give the kids a hug!

Original poster

wheresthelight · 05/09/2014 22:03

they aren't a huggy family and will rush to get in the car and belted in before their mum gets too close on contact days so they don't have to hug her which is why I really don't get it.

the sideways hug has happened on a few occasions but it just feels awkward and forced. they are not little kids either they are 11 and nearly 9 so I think that plays a part in it for me iyswim

when dp is at work they don't do it so I do think it's linked to his previous expectations and urging. will just have to find a way to discuss with them I think.

have had yo ban them from our room cps even at 11 dss would try and get into bed with us

OP posts:

Madamecastafiore · 05/09/2014 22:03

I'm with justspeak, just give the a hug.

FastWindow · 05/09/2014 22:06

Could you not do a cool handshake? Like the one in Rio? 9 & 11 is getting a bit old for hugs anyway.

ClashCityRocker · 05/09/2014 22:06

It's different strokes for different folks I think - some people are 'huggy', some aren't.

I can't remember the last time I hugged my mum - but I know we love each other. In fact, in my entire life, I've probably hugged mil more as she is a hugger. Personally, I'm fussy about who I hug.

Forced hugs are the worst though. DHs whole family are very huggy, and the last half hour before we leave a gathering, I sit there dreading the ten minutes or so of hugging every single person there.

I wouldn't worry about it - just carry on engaging and enjoying them and I'm sure they won't even notice. If it feels natural - eg if one of them is upset or something, of course you can do it and there is nothing wrong or innapropriate about it. A stepparent is a valid relationship to a child and you are part of their family unit - regardless of what ex p thinks about it.

Although I am quite affectionate with DSS9 - in fact we spent last night snuggled on the sofa. But I've been his step mum since he was two, and two year olds really aren't that discerning about who they hug, so it just sort of went from there.

ClashCityRocker · 05/09/2014 22:08

fastwindow you're never too old for hugs!!!

ClashCityRocker · 05/09/2014 22:09

Although I do like the idea of a cool handshake...

My eldest dn thinks he's too old for hugs, so we get fisted instead.

wheresthelight · 05/09/2014 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BlackbirdOnTheWire · 05/09/2014 22:16

^splutter at "fisted">

I'm not a step-parent but I have no problem hugging friends' kids, or kids' friends - if they need it (fall over, upset) or initiate it.

But then, I've also hugged upset students (I'm a university lecturer) if that's what seemed appropriate - like the time 3 weeks into the academic year, a first year came to me sobbing because she'd phoned her parents, homesick and wanting to go back for the weekend, to find that they'd sold the house and moved to Spain!

Go with the gut reaction, but I'd be prioritising what they wanted over what DP wanted when it came to physical contact. If they want a hug it's churlish to refuse; if they don't, point out to DP that they don't and that forcing it will make things more awkward and breed resentment.

Original poster

wheresthelight · 05/09/2014 22:24

blackbird I have no issues with the upset side and would be pretty heartless not to in those circumstances. however I don't think the kids want it but do it because they think their dad expects It. I have them a lot on my own at night as he works nights and they never hover or wait for a hug then, they come down say goodnight and disappear up to bed. it is only ever when their dad is home

OP posts:

Kaluki · 05/09/2014 22:24

Hugs should be spontaneous and not forced.
Both my dsc just came and hugged me before they went to bed and it was lovely cause they initiated it themselves. I would have hated it too if it had been forced on us before they were ready.

Goldmandra · 05/09/2014 22:28

If they don't do it when your DP is around they probably feel the same as you do.

I think I'd be going with a smile and a hand on the shoulder as you say goodnight instead. It is physical contact without the awkwardness and it offers them the opportunity to lean in an turn it into more of a hug if that's what they want.

The best way to deal with this is probably to ask them yourself, perhaps individually and at a time your DH isn't around so they don't feel they have to say anything to please him. However I appreciate that this might be a lot easier said than done.

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair · 05/09/2014 22:28

I know how you feel. My DSD1 is very huggy with me and it feels quite natural to have her snuggled up to me on the sofa (although it often ends in DD's jealous tears )

DSD2 barely looks up to say hello/goodbye and at bed time is usually so busy calling after her dad that even when I do hug and kiss her, she pretty much blanks me. It doesn't come naturally because the relationship with her is very different.

It also annoys me as DP seems to miss the times when I am affectionate to her and just sees the second attempt when I say goodnight from the door and presumes I haven't actually tried to kiss and hug her. I don't think it's that she doesn't want it, she's just not really fussed one way or the other.

My DD always hugs and kisses anyone DP, but he doesn't really know how to approach my DSs so just gives them a manly nod and a wave at their bedroom door, which is a bit of a shame as DS2 is a great hugger and thinks the world of DP, but although they have computer games loads in common they just don't have that physical closeness (possibly because DP only has girls, he doesn't really know how to be affectionate to boys?)

I have mentioned that he shouldn't feel awkward about it as I'm sure DS2 would be happy with a hug, but I would never push it.

Do whatever feels natural to you and tell DP to butt out. If you want to hug them and vice versa, it will happen, having him tell you to do it is out of order.

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair · 05/09/2014 22:32

BTW, one of the best lessons to protect DCs from being abused is to make sure you never encourage them to hug or kiss people when they don't want to. They should feel that their body is their own and that nobody can ever do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable. Pushing them to kiss people they don't want to sends completely the wrong messages about being compliant for adults who ask for affection.

Obviously I'm not implying anything untoward about you OP, but as a principle in general it should be considered and might be one way to make sure your DP backs off about it.

marne2 · 05/09/2014 22:32

Have always hugged my step kids, felt a bit odd to begin with, hugged DSS a few days ago, he's now 21 but not to old for a hug from his step mum.

Original poster

wheresthelight · 05/09/2014 22:33

We have quite a good open relationship gold so chatting should be easy enough.

penelope I think if they were naturally huggy then it wouldn't feel as weird. they just aren't like that with anyone else. my mum forces it with them but poor dss always looks horrified! bless him because he goes along with it but the face has me on stitches every time!

I just feel that as they clearly don't want it other than to please their dad then it should not happen.

OP posts:

runawaysimba · 05/09/2014 22:37

DP told DSD to hug me once, 3 years ago when she was 7, and that led to her only ever "she's not my mum!" outburst. I told her she never has to hug anyone she doesn't want to and she been much more comfortable ever since. We don't tend to do big hugs, but I go for more incidental physical stuff - a quick side hug or hair stroke or something if the moment's right. I think that makes up for hugs, which she's not keen on either.

ClashCityRocker · 05/09/2014 22:38

Erm...just to be absolutely clear, I meant fist bump, not fisted.

And I agree - it sounds like DP has inadvertently caused a situation where everyone feels awkward.

Could you talk, in general terms (ie not in reference to hugging them) about how you're not an affectionate person?

Original poster

wheresthelight · 05/09/2014 22:41

Aww clash it made me lol but only after blackbird pointed it out, up to then I automatically thought you meant fist bumps

I think because they see me be affectionate and huggy with dd (she is only just 1) I am not sure I could get away with the not being affectionate card unfortunately. think gold's point about just being honest and talking to them openly is best.

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 05/09/2014 22:43

We have quite a good open relationship gold so chatting should be easy enough.

Go ahead and ask them then

They may not have a parent//child relationship with you but it is still an important one and it needs to be relaxed and honest. If you can work out between you what makes you all feel more comfortable and do it in a way that doesn't make anyone feel inhibited or rejected then go for it. I am certain that would be much better for all concerned and a great relief to your poor DSS!

Why do adults have this thing about children having to hug and kiss their elders? I am quite a touchy feely person and often hug my own children, childminded children and children of friends but absolutely wouldn't dream of it if it wasn't reciprocated or didn't feel completely natural and welcome. You can tell when a child doesn't want to be touched and people should respect that. It's part of teaching them to keep themselves safe for a start.

Go with your instincts because I think they are spot on.

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