Thread for those of us supporting non-resident parents

[WakeyCakey45]

My DSS started his new school yesterday - off to secondary school, a big step, and it's been tough on DH as he's been totally excluded.

I tried to help him as well as I could last night -he was remembering DSS's first day at primary school - he was DSS main carer at the time, so did all the preparation and the drop off back then. But he's not even got a photograph to remind him of that now, and he's been excluded from DSS milestone events since DSS was 6. He finds out a little bit from DSS on the odd occasion that DSS tells him something, but he doesn't want to interrogate him. DH tried calling DSS the night before to wish him luck, and after his first day to find out about it, but DSS didn't want to (or maybe wasn't allowed to) talk to his Dad.

I'm sure I'm not the only one holding their DH/DPs hand in these situations, and thought it would be good to share experiences. I sometimes feel helpless as I want to fix it, because it hurts DH so much, but I know that's not possible.

It's so hard.

DH was saying last night that he's resigned to the fact that his DCs are screwed up by what's happened in their childhood.

DSD has been picked up for shoplifting, got caught up in some awful social media situations (police involvement and death threats) and at 17, is a regular binge drinker. She also (from what we can gather) embroils herself in unsuitable sexual relationships.

Sadly DSS seems to be going the same way. DH was told at the last parents evening at primary school that DSS would need "firm, consistant support" through his transition months to keep him focused and give him the skills to cope with the independence and choices. The staff told DH they feared that DSS poor attitude to learning places him at risk of truancy and/or the need for isolated teaching.

As he said to them, though - what can he do? Currently, the courts support DSS mums view that DSS is better off with little, or no, contact - CAFCASS know that DSS doesn't want to see DH because Mum doesn't like it, but until DSS goes off the rails, there's no evidence that DSS is being damaged by that.

Great. Typed out a long message then ad popped up and redirected me and lost message :(

I will keep short now. Due to DP having NC for past 12 months (he got fed up of manipulative/game playing ex) he's now only allowed 1 hour contact per week, supervised by a bunch of ex's extended family.
Whilst I don't support DP decision to go NC due to it 'being difficult' (FT parenting is difficult), I am also getting fed up with ex dictating things that affect me too. DP can only see his 8 yo DD first thing on a Sunday morning for 1 hour. It's one hr drive there then 1 hr drive back.
It's only been for a few weeks but I can't help wondering whether a court order would be the way forward. There is no grounds for supervised contact, other than ex say DD doesn't know DP anymore. Yet ex is blocking DP the chance to get to know DD better by only allowing him 1 hr supervised.

atsea I know exactly what you mean.

Your DPs ex impact on your life is significant. You can't go away for a weekend, can't tackle DIY together, visits to family are curtailed and simple things, like you never get a lie in together. He can't accept work on a Sunday. It is financially impactive and it eats into your life together. And it's not like it's a temporary thing. Parents of young children know they'll get lie ins again when their DCs are older - but this is (certainly in your mind) a fixed, forevermore arrangement. There's no indication it will change - and it's entirely up to your DPs ex if it does. I was discussing exactly this with DH last night.

But, don't underestimate the impact a family court case will have on you and your DP, either.

A court case is likely to turn your lives upside down for months, if not years, and there is no guarantee that it will change anything. It could drag you into it and you have no recourse to reply. It will cost you, emotionally and financially.

DH decided last year, when his DS refused contact (DSS said it was because it upset his mum) despite a court order, that he would not go back to court for enforcement. Unfortunately, DSS mum applied to court anyway for a no-contact order, to validate her own decision to withhold contact.

There were five hearings over 6 months; DH was ordered to attend the SPIP course (which he'd already done), and I was dragged through the mud in the wishes and feelings report.

We had wanted to avoid all of that - but DH had no choice. He didn't even really challenge his ex's position - merely repeated his position at each hearing, which was that he did not believe that no-contact was in DSS best interests, but he wasn't going to force DSS to see him. Once it goes to court, the origional purpose gets lost and all sorts of peripheral clutter gets dragged in.

And it's made no difference. Contact still only happens when and where DSS mum is happy for it to, otherwise DSS refuses.

wakey thankyou for sharing, it has certainly made me think about court not being a good option in this case.
I've been on the other side where exH took me to court over DS but it wasn't anything like this as I wasn't blocking contact. So was a simple, straight forward procedure which helped set boundaries in place but its clear not everyone has the same experience.