Thread for those of us supporting non-resident parents

[WakeyCakey45]

My DSS started his new school yesterday - off to secondary school, a big step, and it's been tough on DH as he's been totally excluded.

I tried to help him as well as I could last night -he was remembering DSS's first day at primary school - he was DSS main carer at the time, so did all the preparation and the drop off back then. But he's not even got a photograph to remind him of that now, and he's been excluded from DSS milestone events since DSS was 6. He finds out a little bit from DSS on the odd occasion that DSS tells him something, but he doesn't want to interrogate him. DH tried calling DSS the night before to wish him luck, and after his first day to find out about it, but DSS didn't want to (or maybe wasn't allowed to) talk to his Dad.

I'm sure I'm not the only one holding their DH/DPs hand in these situations, and thought it would be good to share experiences. I sometimes feel helpless as I want to fix it, because it hurts DH so much, but I know that's not possible.

It's a rubbish situation wakey.

The worse thing is, all too often it gets thrown back it will get thrown back in his face at a later date - 'you weren't even there on his first day of secondary!'

I'm feeling a little raw about it myself because my DB has just missed his dsd's first day of school in similar circumstances. He's gutted because he thought things were getting to an amicable point with his exp and had asked that he could call the night before to wish her luck and to have a photographer of her in her new school uniform. She sent him a photo of dn all dressed up, looking so grown up, holding the hand of her new partner (of three months). Didn't answer the phone.

It makes me realise how lucky we are with DSS's mum. We all took him for his first day and picked him up together then went for an ice cream after.

My DS started secondary yesterday and I know DP felt it because he was excluded from DSS's first day last year.
He was lovely with DS though and seemed genuinely interested in how his day went but I felt sad for him knowing he won't get to experience these milestones with how own dc because his ex wants to write him out of their lives.
The photo with the new DP is so cruel. That's the sort of stunt his ex would pull

That's heart breaking wakey

I will never know for the life of me why the RP does these things, when you see RP on here all the time wishing that their XP / XH would at least have something to do with their DC.
P, (not been DP for a while now, another story,) has a DD who started secondary yesterday.
I honestly think he puts on a front now so he doesn't look how hurt he feels at missing out.
She went NC with him for a long time, i believe it was to appease her DM, the dynamics of that relationship are, well, abusive imo... anyway, she broke the NC to demand an Iphone, which P duly provided despite me not agreeing with it, shortly afterwards, it transpired her SDad had brought it off her because she had dropped it and broken the back screen, she got a cheaper phone, plus £150, whereas SD still had his, brought at the same time, and had taken good care of it..Once the phone was in her hands, she promptly went NC again. She broke the NC again recently when her 'new' phone got a broken screen, her messages to P were along the lines of 'please daddy, i need a new phone, i love you' so of course he was ready to trot off and buy yet another Iphone, this time though, i stamped all over the idea, pointing out that £150 from the sale of the other phone was enough to buy a new second hand smart phone, and it would be unfair on SS who had taken good care of his phone.. he said this to her, she announced she had spent £50 on sweets and crap, and her mother had taken the other £100 'to look after for me' and she hadn't heard about it since, and as regards SS, 'daddy' could always give him £100 to make up for it.
She asked for an iphone 4, the one she sold was a 4s.
So as i was due an upgrade from my 4, i handed him mine to give to her.
Problem solved i thought.

He dropped it off (i think he hung onto it for longer as he was enjoying finally hearing from her) I wasn't there, but apparently she stuck her head out of the door, grabbed the phone, chirpily demanded to know whether it was a 4s or a 5, he said it was a 4, she looked majorly pissed off, told him that it 'wasn't GOOD ENOUGH' then said she was 'soooooo tiiiiiredddd' and shut the door.

I felt so sorry for him when he came back :(
A week later she called to tell him the phone was broken, he said he'd pick it up on saturday (this was last wednesday) get it fixed right away.
At 12 midnight he got an absolutely vile message, i know swearing is allowed but i shall just say one of the words was the 'C' word, and the rest wasn't much better.
Also that her phone had been fixed by 'the best daddy in the world' her SDad, ... The texts flew backwards and forwards, with P getting angrier and angrier, and the return texts getting more and more vile, then he blocked the number.
He's since found out that the previous phone was given to Sdads son.

In a way, i was pleased for once it wasn't me on the receiving end of the abuse, but the manipulation and everything else involved makes me sick.

Fwiw, 'best step daddy in the whole entire universe' is constantly cheating, the latest was a woman at SD's primary school who then started verbally abusing 11 y/o SD.

I wish i'd have known all this, i feel sorry for P, and try to support him, always have .. but his life is a drama from beginning to end that i really could do without.
Make sure please, partners, that you're not being dragged into a world of crap and supporting someone through something that will probably never end

Sorry for the hijack, i'm bursting at the seams i'm so annoyed x

Gosh, how awful. DH will be calling his son this evening to chat. Will my ex call tonight? Nope. He knows full well that he can but as ever he will be "too busy." I've never understood why women are so keen to exclude men who desperately want to be an active part

Stercus that's disgusting!!!

clash DH is all too familiar with having it thrown back in his face.

Ex took DH to court at the end of last year to stop all contact - while the court case was pending, there was no direct contact between DSS and DH, so they didn't see each other at all over Xmas.
At the first court hearing early in the New Year, DSS mum accused DH of not caring, because "he hadn't even asked to see DSS for Xmas!"

It's almost as if there's a resistance to any contact but if DH appears to accept the limited contact on offer without a fight, then that is used as proof that he's a crap dad. Poor bloke can't win.

kaluki my DH is brilliant with my DD, too, even though I know how much it must hurt - my DD is now the age that his DD was when she went NC, so he must be thinking about what his DD was like at the same age, and the fact that he's unlikely to get the chance to share it with DSS either. It's almost harder to understand, seeing him so good with my DD - wh does anyone deliberately rob their DCs of that?

Because some women are spiteful and bitter and as long as they can hurt ex then they will, even if their kids are caught in the crossfire. My Mum did all this sort of thing to my Dad. My ex left me for OW (teenage girl that he was messaging constantly when were on a family holiday in Spain) but his relationship with me should not define his relationship with his children. I try my hardest to keep him involved in their every day lives.

needa I've often wondered whether my own experiences in childhood moulded my reaction as a mum when I split with DDs dad.
Don't get me wrong, my own parents were definitely not perfect, some may even say abusive, and I have no contact with them now, but despite all that, they presented a united front when I was a child, and my dad was very hands on (quite progressive for his generation) so when I split with DDs dad, it never occurred to me that he wouldn't continue to be an involved, equal part of her life - I even refused to take my solicitors advice about contact while he was in temporary accomodation because I wanted her to continue to spend time with him. I do wonder, if my own dad had been more distance, or even non existent in my own life, whether I would have been equally motivated because believe me, there have definitely been times when I would have preferred never to have anything to do with DDs Dad ever again!

Dsd rocked up with new glasses the other week, that was the first dh knew of it. Hadn't been told, "oh she's struggling to see" or "she's getting them checked" - he was gutted to be the last to know (you can be sure it is all over her mums fb).

we are enjoying an increased amount of contact because the ex has been asking for loads of favours. But I can guarantee that DH will still not be allowed to make any active decisions in DSS life. We will mucked about on timings of contact once we've done all the favours for her. it winds me up so much, I almost wish DH would say no so his ex doesnt expect to get away with bossing him about.

Thanks kaluki - in case anyone is wondering, my alt is thingsthatgobumpinthenight - had to change when mumsnet got hacked lol

This increased contact is something i hear a lot about, you get a lot of RP saying its not true but in 99% of the experiences i've had or heard of, the contact goes up when something is at stake that the RP or DC want.

That must be why we cynically refer to it as pay per view

Yes, sadly, I've become very cynical if contact has been calm for a few months and DSS is comfortable in DHs company.

While it's good to see DH creating memories with his DS, I am all the while expecting the next demand/drama from DS mum or sister - and so far, at least, I've been accurate. Poor DS isn't old enough to cover up or hide his discomfort or conflicted emotions, so if he hears or sees negative things about his dad at home, then he struggles with contact.

Let me be the Devil's Advocate here, without inferring that any of your DHs is like this. My dd had a baby a year ago and separated from her violent Partner when dgd was two months old. He is lovely with his daughter but every few months gets violent with my dd. The last time was a month ago and my dd has had to cut him out of their lives.

It is breaking her heart as she is still fond of him, but more than anything for the sake of her child who will grow up without knowing a father who loves her, but it is just not safe to have him around.

I also have a husband who loves his son and is desperate to be involved in his life but gets thwarted at every turn. If there are any school events his ex partner refuses to go if dad will be there and forces the 8 year old to choose which parent he wants there. As my stepson is constantly trying to win affection from his mum, he will choose her approval every time over dad, it's exhausting and heart breaking. I could write reams of the things that happen but I fear no one would believe that a woman could do such emotionally manipulative things to her child.

Let me be the Devil's Advocate here, without inferring that any of your DHs is like this.

If that is not what you are inferring, then how does your comment relate in any way to the subject and discussion in this thread?

I have not, for one moment, suggested that all dads should have unlimited contact regardless of risk to the child or mother., and neither has anyone else.

This is a thread for those of us supporting NRP who have been excluded from their DCs lives - there are threads elsewhere on MN that are aimed at posters such as yourself who are supporting abused mums. I wouldn't post on there as a devils advocate, reminding posters that there are some bitter RP who make false allegations about their ex. Perhaps you could show those on this thread the same courtesy.

Well said wakey.f

These threads are heartbreaking as the alienation/exclusion is so deliberate, so calculated. My dp suffers in this way continually with his dc and hostile ex and I am not looking forward to the schedule coming through for the next few months as Christmas won't be on it, nor was it last year. 'I'm taking the children away for Christmas and I'm not asking your permission' was how she told him last year. The kids don't even seem bothered, as long as their mother is happy, they have an easier life. And the more she hurts dp and controls the kids, the happier she is. Lovely woman!

Although I've noticed, with my exh, although he misses the odd dc birthday/school events down to work, etc. He misses more than he attends probably, but because he's not alienated or deliberately excluded it doesn't affect him or the kids so negatively. So I think it's where there is ill-intent and maliciousness from an ex, these feelings are much much worse. When he says, I'm in so-and-so or won't make it back for xyz, I suppose I could go 'you bastard, you're never there for the kids, useless father' and turn the kids against him. Or I could say 'Aah that's a bit crap, never mind though, when you coming next... blah blah blah? and spin it positively and genuinely the kids accept it without feeling bad or that their father doesn't care.

Wife I can believe totally that some of those who claim to be 'great' mothers are actually some of the most selfish, controlling, jealous, repulsive people I have ever come across who hurt their children more than they actually hurt their ex partners...

shey I used to think it was a vicious and horrid act on the part of DHs ex to be so openly hostile towards him (and me) in front of the DCs, but more recently, I've come to the conclusion that she genuinely doesn't realise the damage it does.

Couple that with her resistance to professional advise/support and it really doesn't matter what other people tell her (she was court ordered to attend the SPIP), because she's confident in her own judgement.

I now accept that she is doing what she believes is right for her DCs.

Wifeandmother - I'd believe you, we unfortunately have the same kind of spiteful ex in our lives

This thread breaks my heart. I am going through similar with DP. I honestly don't know whether or not his ex believes that she is doing the right thing or whether she just wants to use the child to punish him for leaving her. The poor child is very upset some days and it just sends everyone into a tailspin as there is nothing we can say or do to make it better.