DSC to live with us? Am I thinking this through right?

[stepmumnewname]

DH's elder two DC are 17 and 15.5. We currently have them, as well as younger DSS every weekend and they stay at their mum's in the week. They've both asked recently whether they could come and live with us in the week. With DSD (17) this is in part because she's falling out with her mum a lot at the moment, DSS (15) is more about the logistics of getting to school - his school is near to us, but takes him nearly an hour each way from his mum's. He's quite down about this, and says he has no time for any extra curricular activities because of it.

My DH is a high earner and pays substantial child support to his ex - around £400 per child per month, as well as spousal maintenance for the next few years and school fees. His main concern over having the DSC move to live with us is that his ex would flip out and cause a huge argument - things are smooth, almost amicable, and have been since they divorced I think, but his ex is edgy about money (says she doesn't have enough ) and DH thinks she'd resist the DSC moving to live with us because she wouldn't want to lose the money.

I floated the idea the other day that he could offer to have them here in the week without altering the money that he pays. It won't actually cost us much extra to feed them for 4 extra evening meals and some breakfasts each week (he already pays for their school dinners) and we can easily afford it. He's quite keen on this idea and thinking of asking his ex about it.

I'm now feeling a bit nervous of how this will pan out. I feel really sorry for the DSC having such a long journey to school, whilst my own DD goes to the same school and has a 10 minute walk each day. I get on well with them both, but I also enjoy my time with my own DC in the week. From a purely personal point of view, I quite like things just as they are.

DH is also unsure of the legal situation - his divorce court papers said that the DSC would live with their mum in the week, and him at weekends - but now that DSD is 17 she can presumably choose to move if she wants can't she? And DSS similarly once he's 16 (in November). Is this correct? Presumably DH could apply to court to reduce the maintenance if he wants, but can choose not to do this if he wants? The idea would be that they still formally live with their mum, and go back there in the holidays. She remains the RP in the legal sense. Does this sound like it could work?

I'd offer in an instant.

Whilst you may like the alone time with your children, imagine if this was reversed and your DH said he didn't want them in the week?

They are both old enough to choose and surely their mum will see the benefits of being closer to school.

It's not quite comparable to having my DC in the week though - DH works long hours and commutes whereas I am usually home by 4pm so I have a few hours a day with just me and my DC at the moment, which I quite like. DH isn't involved in this time. I make the dinner, and often as not they're in bed, or up in their rooms at least by the time DH gets home.

You're right though, the DSC are pretty independent, they don't need "looking after" as such. Just feeding really, which isn't too difficult.

I wouldn't offer in an instant, that would be quite irresponsible. Actually, this needs careful thought if you are to maintain the amicable equilibrium that you have carved out thus far. You will not believe the shitstorm that can errupt if the ex takes a dislike to this situation. She may be feeling very vulnerable about this already and not just about the money, about losing a substantial part of her childrens time.

Also, you need to think carefully about your alone time with your dc and how that may alter with the extra time constraints of having two more people around to talk to, cook and clean up for. Are your dsc kind and considerate in the house, do they help out, do they get on with your dc too? Will your dc feel put out having to share you during the week? If no, is your dp permissive or assertive, is he supportive of you? Lots to consider.

I'm not experienced in the matter of stepchildren, but I would be wary about taking DSD, as I'm not certain how good it is for a person to resolve teenage conflict with one parent by moving in with the other parent.

From a financial pt, it is not just food it is extra electricity, water, pocket money, activities, clothing etcetera and it all adds up The maintenance monies now need to be paid to the parent with custody It can be expensive.
Will your DSD consider counselling to deal with her Mum. Our DSD came under huge pressure and guilt when her DMum thought she wide lose maintenance paid if DSD did not go onto college,

Thanks all
Shey - you're right, it's definitely something to think carefully about. I am very wary of creating a shitstorm of problems - something we've been more or less free from thus far - if DH's ex doesn't like the idea. I think her relationship with both the elder DSC isn't strong at the moment, so on the one hand that could mean they are happier here, but also you're right she may be fearful that things would get worse. And as I mum myself I think I appreciate possibly more than DH does the extent to which you feel as a mum you should have your DC with you, and it's your role to do so.

The DSC get on fine with my own DC, but it will make a different atmosphere when they're around. I try so hard to be fair to everyone at the weekends, and then quite like a bit of time in the week to relax back to just having mine, doing things our way. It would be different. DSD is pretty good round the house and will help out in the kitchen - at least on a good day. DSS is rubbish, and only does anything (slowly) when asked, though he's reasonably compliant, not really any trouble. He stays in his room a lot - which I gather he does too at his mum's.

DH is supporitive of me, and sensitive to my views on things, though I'm not sure fully appreciates all the things that as a primary carer you do for your DC - he's always been the breadwinner.

canyou - I think what we're trying to suggest is as little change as possible to the financial set up that there is - yes I guess there's a little extra fuel used as well as the food, but the idea would be that their mum would go on receiving child support, and she would go on paying pocket money, clothes, etc (DH already pays for most activities, so no change there) In one sense it isn't fair - as their mum would be receiving far more child support than she's spending on them, though I think this is kind of the case already to some extent (£400 a month, when school meals, activities, school fees, and all weekend costs are already covered? Hard to think how you could spend all that as is really?) But we're lucky that we could afford to keep paying her, and it would be worth doing so if it would avoid the conflict that would otherwise occur. DSD doesn't have counselling or anything - it's just normal kind of teenage girl fall outs with her mum - she's quite headstrong and her mum isn't very compromising on things. I don't think we want to put her in a position of doing something completely against her mum's will though - I think that would put a lot of pressure on her (or DSS) which could end up worse than the status quo.