Anyone ever walked away from a happy relationship when dsc contact went from eow to fulltime?

[gingermopped]

anyone?
dsd has been saying for ages she wants to live here, tonight the call came.

ginger initially I was thinking I'd give it a go, set down the rules, no matter what her father thinks , or her, and follow through with them. But then to read her father is hardly ever there due to work, well it's no hardship for him to have her there fulltime is it!?

There is no way on earth I would be dumped in this scenario and my DH knows it. His DD wouldn't last in our house, her DM (and her DF), and much of the "anything for an easy life persuasion" whereas I am more inclined to set boundaries and guide the DC in behaviour. It would be disastrous for us, and it sounds like, for you.

I will no doubt be flamed for this but to be completely honest I would walk away if we had dsc full time

I too will be flamed along the lines of 'you knew what you were getting into' but surely you know that your partner's children moving in is always going to be a possibility when you get with someone who has children? serious illness? accident? disability? death? Because anything can happen at any time?

Do we really enter into live-in relationships without ever having given this some consideration and what it might mean? We are flaming the man in this case for picking up a child within 20 minutes of the call being made and not having discussed properly with this partner what that means for their household...but what if that phonecall had come from the police to tell them the ex had just died in a car crash? surely there is no discussion in that scenario as to where the children will now live and the speed with which they should enter the household?

I know this situation is different, I do get that, but hopefully this kind of discussion will make people discuss the 'what ifs' when moving from casual to serious to live-in when children are involved (on both sides). Real shit happens to people who don't deserve it. The 'what ifs' are important.

fedup I think the answer to that is yes, and No.

I think most people discuss it, or at least think about it, at the beginning, when cohabiting is seriously discussed.

Then, once they've moved in, there is often a complete change in the dynamic of the family - a new baby, DCs become teens, or, sometimes, the DCs experience alienation due to an implacably hostile parent. So the goal posts have moved, and the DCs with whom the stepparent had initiated a positive relationship are hostile and/or unreasonable.

In my situation, I've set non-negotiables, after allegations were made and abuse thrown.
I will not share my home with DHs DCs all the while their mother is the dominating influence in their life. So, 50:50 or even regular overnight contact is no longer something I will accomodate. But, I accept that DH may choose that and am willing to live separately for a period of time if he believes that contact arrangement would be best for his DCs. I also acknowledge he may choose to end our marriage if I do that.
If their mum should be unwilling, or unable to care for them and DH becomes primary carer, then I will support DH to provide them with a home only with professional, therapeutic, support.

I have dsd2 full time but I like her. If i had any of my other step kids, I don't know if I could cope.

In fact when dsd2 came to live with us, I made plans to leave.

We had many months of relate counselling before I decided to stay.

When I met my DH, he had one child EOW and didn't see the other one at all, that was the set up.
Fast forward five years, and I have had one of them live here for three years as a teenager, who has now left, and I have the other one (also a teenager) just move in full time.
I had a horrendous time first time around, and was utterly glad when SD left, as it had reached a "her or me" scenario.
I am utterly dismayed to have the other step child move in now, because I can see history repeating itself with Disney dad behaviour, selective blindness on my DHs part when he doesn't want to deal with anything and lots more work for me. My step children are not easy children, and are perhaps not easily likeable, for numerous reasons.
Currently I am in two minds whether to leave or not, bearing in mind I have been here and I have done this, but I also have two children who are quite young, so the impact on them would be huge.
So to answer your question......right now I am giving it a good go because I don't want my marriage to end, but I think there is a very good chance that if it becomes like it was with my SD, then yes, I will walk away from my marriage.

seeing it through the other step mum's eyes at the moment. My dd 16 hates me, there's nothing I can do. She wants to move out so obviously her dad's is the only option. they have a 2 year old and 10 month old as well as her ds who is 9. I can imagine what she'll say when dd announces she wants to move in (she doesn't actually she just wants to get away from me). If shoe was on other foot, I'd be fuming!

Christ I'm doing this all wrong by the sounds of it! My dss is the most annoying anal child I've ever come across, spoilt by his father and babied by grandma, but I parent him as if he were my own when he is with us, I expect DP to do the same with my children; am I odd? I do struggle with it but he was upfront about having a son and I chose to take the relationship on! If dss came to is full time (likely in time, birth mother is hopeless!) I would accept, set rules and deal with it, giving him a grounds home life that I would expect for my own children obviously expecting dp to step up and contribute more to the household if I have to reduce working hours or suchlike.

The thing is, it is all very well listing "how" you would do it if a step child came full-time, but it is somewhat harder to put those ideals into place when your DH isn't on board.
I too, put in ground rules, and I too tried to put a sense of acceptable behaviour in there, but my DH was very resistant, his children were "different" and in the end I was just constantly fighting to get even the most basic rules in place.
Accepting that your partner has children is one thing. Accepting those children full time, with no discussion (my case both times) and no agreements on how it might work is another.

Think Daisy completely missed the point...

The problem in my case is that when there is a hostile ex and alienation exists, these poor kids are treated and parented differently but their mom and their dad. What happens then is behaviour and attitudes develop that are just toxic/selfish and controlling and do not equate to reasonable, harmonious behaviour. It's hard enough to deal with that eow and for a dinner or two here or there, but how to deal with it full time, especially when you have other kids who respond to boundaries, discipline and show love respect and affection?

My dp and I show love, caring, affection, try to enforce boundaries, rules with his dc and literally what we get is shit in return from the kids and abuse from the ex. How do you merge those kids with other kids who actually 'like' and respect us? I couldn't do it to my dc, as they deserve the happy life that we have together and the OP has my support in feeling a bit lost. And if I was childless in a relationship with a man with children, I wouldn't go fulltime with them unless the dad had the parenting and behaviour under control.

Christ I'm doing this all wrong by the sounds of it! My dss is the most annoying anal child I've ever come across, spoilt by his father and babied by grandma, but I parent him as if he were my own when he is with us,

Genuine question, but how do you achieve that? Does your DSS comply with your discipline? How do you deal with situations in which he is defiant?
If, for instance, you confiscate a gadget or device, does your DP reinforce your consequence, or does he undermine you and secretly "make it up" to your DSS?

Accepting responsibility for a DC when you know you are going to be undermined and disrespected in your own home is a recipe for disaster and I don't blame the OP for considering her future.

Of course anything can happen and it was always a possibility, the OP hasn't suggested her DP say no to having his child full time, just that she is considering if she could stay if it happens.

How often is the advice given to step parents 'if you don't like it then leave'?! The minute someone says they might its considered selfish...

Circumstances can change and people's behaviours can change. People are free to leave any relationship that isn't making them happy- whatever that reason is.

If we all went through life only doing things that were guaranteed to work out then nobody would do anything.

I don't think I would leave in the first instance, I would give it a go, but I suspect strongly that it would end in me leaving despite my best efforts. I don't think I could cope with being a full time parent to someone else's child - that was not the deal I took on when I met DP. Especially when the mum is still in the picture and causing issues.

Just to be controversial, does no one think that as SMs we have the right to say 'No, SD/SS is not coming to live here, if you want to live with them you need to do that elsewhere?'. To have as much say as who lives in our home as our partners? Why should the SM be the one to leave the home, why should the dad not leave if he wants to live with his child and the SM doesn't want to?

I'm not talking about situations where the mum has died or similar, but where a child (and my feel is it's usually older / teenage children) has just decided 'I want to go and live with Dad now'

How often is the advice given to step parents 'if you don't like it then leave'?! The minute someone says they might its considered selfish...

I didn't suggest it was selfish...I was simply reacting to the fact that the OP hasn't yet had the child live with her yet is considering leaving the relationship before even discussing it with her partner or trying to make a go of it.

Why does a woman with children moving in with a man 'come as a package' but a man with children who he only sees on a part-time basis aren't part of the package should there be a shift in how those children want/need to live? Can we only accept children as part of the package if their mother is dead or unable to care for them for legitimate reasons?

I get the 'disney dad' thing and why that is problematic and why mum alive and well may also be problematic (although mum has had to put up with dad being alive and well...!) Are there double-standards here? Is it different if the step mum was childless when she got together with her partner? Is the 'package' thing easier to handle if you both have children - is the reality of parenthood something which makes us more or less realistic in new relationships?

Excellent point mice!!

mince I imagine it's usually dictated by who owns the house etc - but there have been posts here on MN about dads leaving the second-marital home as it was the stepmums house prior to the relationship.

fedup I think the social expectation you describe (a man is expected to take on his DPs DCs as part of the package) is one of the reasons for the high failure rate of second marriages.
In the OPs case, she knows it's unlikely to work if her DSC moves in full time because she has experienced it part-time. It's not as if the DC, or the OPs DP, are going to undergo personality transplants if the address on a piece of paper changes.
Whereas, many stepdads are thrust into living with their DSC more or less full time from the get go, with little, if any, consideration or discussion about how its going to work. And often, it doesn't.

I think either way they come as a package but when the package changes you can change your mind.
Especially if part of the package has accused you of bullying etc.
I also think that any adult has a right to decide who lives in their home- and the right to move out if they don't like it!
For example a step parent can say no, the parent can then decide to stay or go and vice versa
Having a child already doesn't mean you get to decide everything- unless you decide to stay on your own.

For what its worth, I don't think a child should be able to just decide where they live either, its too much responsibilty and they are not old enough for that.
if they want to change their living situation the reasons for that should be discussed with all parties involved, possibly with a mediator if necessary, to establish if its the right thing.

Meant to add, a child that decides they need to change their living situation may also need a lot of support as its a big upheaval even when its for the best, which is why the reasons should be discussed with the responsible adults who can provide or arrange that support

8 people in a house (9 with DSS's visits) and only 2 people have a say? 20 mins for a decision about such an important issue?

A wife/partner should be supportive but you're supporting your own children and soon to give birth and now you're looking after his because

A) She doesn't get on with her stepdad and mum
B) your DP isn't around a great deal

Added to this is the insult that she accused you of being a bully?

I would speak firmly to her in front of your DP and tell her you won't be putting up with any nonsense like that ever again. She said it about you, it wasn't true and if she expects to stay in your home while her father is away she will do things by your rules or go back to her mother. Make sure your OH hears you set out your stall, with a baby on the way you ant afford for any of the children to be behaving outside of your expectations.

I feel that your DP would see things differently if he were around more - this is frustrating.

I still think you should just say no. It's too big an ask with him away so much.

I'm inclined to agree with you Sunna but I also think that new baby and less attention will mean DSS doesn't stay long in any case. Goodness knows what's gone on at her mum's but if she can leave one she can leave the other. I would assume that once back to school and during term the OP won't be allowing DSS to stay up late watching TV etc and that she'll be living by the rules her other 4 do so I should think the novelty will wear off sooner rather than later.

I would assume that once back to school and during term the OP won't be allowing DSS to stay up late watching TV etc and that she'll be living by the rules her other 4 do so I should think the novelty will wear off sooner rather than later.

Unless the OPs DP is willing to support and back her up, it's quite likely that her DSD will be living to a different set of rules. How do you force a teen to go to bed?

The joy of being a stepparent is that you have no ability to implement consequences if the DCs parent disagrees. The OP can threaten to withdraw privileges if her DSD doesn't do as she's expected, but if her DP then hands over the confiscated phone, or provides the wifi password, what can she do?

So the OP will struggle to enforce rules such as bedtimes etc, even if she's the primary carer, if her DP undermines her and tells the DC that she can stay up and to "take no notice" of what the OP says.

wow theres been alot of replies, iv read them all and even ones bashing me I kinda see ur point.
the issue is sorted now.
last night I asked dp if at any point he felt the need to sit and talk with me about dsd living here and how it would work.
his answer, it doesnt matter what my opinion is, its nothing to do with me, if he wants her to live here its his his choice only.
that was all he had to say so hes made it very clear for me, iv told him he has a few weeks to get together a deposit on somewhere for him and his daughter and I want him gone, his answer "dont b so silly"
iv actually never been more serious about anything.

hes honestly not the man I thought he was.

Good for you, ginger, what he wants is very infair on you and your DCs. You're better off without such a selfish git in your life.

All the best for the future and make sure he knows you mean it.

What a "selfish git" to put his own daughter before a girlfriend. Imagine that.

Maybe it's for the best he moves out, sounds like he'll be better off but it does leave another child without it's father in his/her life daily. Not much choice though given the lack of compromise.

It's a very valid point that has been made, women expect their children to be seen as a package and to ditch any man that doesn't see that yet men are not given the same respect in any shape or form.

Wow, shocking response from him
Well done, he needs to leave.