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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or selfish. This is just hard sometimes.

19 replies

LollyPop87 · 12/08/2014 17:03

I've posted similar before, and I'm probably being selfish and horrible.

DP had a DS(7) who I'll refer to as DSS for easiness although we're not married.

DSS is here for 4 and a half weeks of the summer holidays, which is unusual, it's normally every other week in the summer holidays.

DP works full time so DSS normally stays at his nans (DPs mums) whilst dp is in work. I'm a teacher so am off work during the summer holidays.

I was already feeling guilty, like I should have him more, rather than him being at his nans (which he loves to do btw, he loves his nan to bits!)

We were together all last week (me,dp and DSS). I'm having him one day this week and one day next week so we can spend time together, which I do like to do.

Here's where I sound horribly selfish. DP is working till around 7.30 today, and has asked if I'll have DSS from 5. Of course I said yes, but I think he could tell in my voice that I was abit unsure and now I feel really guilty.

I just felt abit disappointed, because I was just finished off the housework and was looking forward to sitting down and watching some catch up TV that I've been looking forward to for weeks! And now I can't. And that shouldn't bother me but it does.

Now I've written it down it sounds awful. I do like DSS very much, we get on really well together and enjoy spending time together. I was just really looking forward to that time to myself. DP is off work tomorrow so we will all be doing something together then, which will be nice, and than I'll have DSS for one day this week.

I just crave time to myself during the holidays, and feel like I'm not getting it as much.

I'm sorry that I sound so selfish and horrible. I'm not really, I'm just abit upset and probably overreacting.

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Whereisegg · 12/08/2014 17:08

It doesn't sound selfish at all!
I'm a sm and would be a bit annoyed at losing some time I thought I had to dss or dd and ds.

It doesn't mean I hate any of them, just that sitting on your arse in peace rocks!

needaholidaynow · 12/08/2014 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

riverboat1 · 12/08/2014 18:06

You don't sound horrible at all. It is a perfectly normal feeling to have. You can't apologise for a feeling!

Losing down time has probably been the hardest aspect of step parenting for me. I have no kids and have always been used to lots of me-time at weekends/evenings. It was a bind realising that you can't have the same unfettered me-time with a young child around, even if you're not ostensibly looking after him!

How long have you been living with DP? It took me a good couple of years to come to terms with the realities of sharing weekends and holidays with a child. I went through some difficult times wondering if I would be able to stick it out, but I've come out the other side now and enjoy DSS's company more and more.

You have to find a happy medium I think - does your DP recognise your need for time on your own sometimes? Do you feel like you end up looking after DSS too often? I still don't particularly relish giving up half a precious Saturday or whatever to look after DSS on my own, but I don't mind doing it from time to time because I love DP and we are a partnership. Plus, though my heart sinks when I think of all the stuff I won't be able to do during that time, I usually do end up having a nice time with DSS and developing my relationship with him.

Kaluki · 12/08/2014 18:10

There's no reason why you can't still relax and watch TV whole DSS is with you.
In have a TV in my bedroom and often escape up there to chill do some ironing while the kids are all watching a DVD or something!

WakeyCakey45 · 13/08/2014 09:49

kaluki are they resident DCs though?

I think if I were responsible for a non-resident 7 year old child (all be it one who was currently staying for a few weeks) who is unfamiliar with the home, I'd be reluctant to leave them to their own devices while I watched TV in another room while they were in my sole care.

LeftHandedMouse · 13/08/2014 10:46

My sister is also a teach so I understand how much you really need your down time in the holidays and doing nothing is a refreshing change from being full on day after day.

You're not unreasonable, and if you feel bad about your tone of voice then you can explain to DP how your plans were changed and maybe he'll take that on board and be a little more sensitive in future?

Is there any way you can still chill with DSS? He is 7 which is a great age for doing stuff together outdoors. Do you have a stream or pond near you for kicking about in the water and get soaking wet? Or a beach? Any open outdoor space? Borrow a dog from a friend?

If you're stuck in the house maybe he would like to help you do stuff like get dinner ready for his dad? Does he draw? Maybe he could draw some place mats of stuff he's done at his nan's and you can discuss them over dinner? Or things he'd like to do?

Anything that is a chill out time for you, but you can share?

LambCallaway05 · 13/08/2014 11:17

I totally sympathise with your situation! DSD stays with us every weekend from around 10am on Saturday morning to 6pm on a Sunday and having no kids myself it's such a huge shift from how my life was this time a year ago before we moved in together. I like DSD a lot and am glad she has such a good relationship with her dad and with me (obviously very different relationships!). But last Sunday morning all I wanted to do was sleep and she was awake bright and early wanting breakfast, programmes on the TV, then the channel changing, her bum wiping etc. I had an ever so small huff which involved me first hiding under the pillow and then getting into her bed at 7am just to get another couple of hours sleep! Afterwards my bf said it was obvious that she annoyed me and I felt terrible and still do that I'd made it so obvious! However it's still difficult to have such a huge adjustment in your life and having this new routine when it isn't a life choice that I've made (having kids that is!) I'm just hoping that I get better at this as time goes on.

Sorry for hijacking your thread! I guess I just wanted to illustrate that you aren't alone in feeling a bit overwhelmed at times.

Kaluki · 13/08/2014 12:05

No Wakey - I do this when I have my stepchildren too!
At 7 years old they don't need constant supervision. They can be left for an hour or so with a game or DVD or whatever. As long as they know where you are if they need you.
I don't see why having a 7 year old for a few hours means that the OP can't relax as she had planned.

Kaluki · 13/08/2014 12:07

Lamb - how old is your DSD?
Why didn't your bf get up and look after her?

I'd be annoyed at that too and I have two kids of my own!

LambCallaway05 · 13/08/2014 13:29

Kaluki - she's 4. What happens at the minute is she'll get up at about 6 and he'll get up and put the telly on for her and do her breakfast and then come back to bed. We'll then get a little visitor every 20 mins or so asking for various things (admiration for her empty breakfast plate, the channel changing, bum wiping etc) or the shrill cry of "Daddeeeeee" from the living room which gets ignored at least 3 times before he'll get up and tend to her. I think this is what used to happen with his ex and they'd take it in turns to get up for her, and I have done in the past when the insistent shrieking got too much to bear.

Just for info - we live in a flat and the living room is opposite out bedroom, we can see her on the sofa from the bed if both doors are open so we aren't abandoning her downstairs or anything like that!

It makes me really think about whether I want my own kids or not - 'parenting' doesn't seem to come naturally to me at all!

LambCallaway05 · 13/08/2014 13:41

Just to clarify! This isn't a criticism of her at all! She's (mostly) adorable and I know this is totally normal for a 4 year old. It's me with the problem!

Whereisegg · 13/08/2014 13:49

Lamb that would annoy me.
Sorry but your dp sounds quite selfish to me, he only has his dd one morning a week and he can't even be arsed to get up?

LambCallaway05 · 13/08/2014 14:18

Yes, I'm in agreement! I don't think it's being selfish more than it just doesn't occur to him that he needs to get up and look after her when she's happy just watching her cartoons. We've had a few words this week about how he approaches parenting her (typical Disney) and he's promised to make more of an effort to enforce a bit of discipline and give her boundaries as if both mum and dad continue to refuse to ever say no to a 4 year old then we're all in for a lot of trouble further down the line!

OP - sorry for taking over a bit, but I'd be the same in your situation too. He's made choices in life before he met you that are now impacting in how you live and it just doesn't seem very fair does it?!

Kaluki · 13/08/2014 14:35

I agree. He should get up with her and leave you to lie in. It sounds like she wants his attention which is why she is trotting back and forth and calling hmm all the time!
I do think it's different with your own dc because by the time they are 4 you are used to getting up early and they know the routine of the house. By then 6 o'clock is a lie in!!!

Original poster

LollyPop87 · 14/08/2014 11:05

Sorry for the late reply to this thread, I was out all day yesterday with no internet!

I could literally hug you all! Thank you so much. I was conv

OP posts:

Original poster

LollyPop87 · 14/08/2014 11:09

Argh! I was convinced I was being selfish and horrible.

It's just so hard sometimes adjusting to have a child around when you don't have children.

Lambcallaway I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I just want to lounge around and eat chocolate for breakfast but I can't, because then DSS would ask for my chocolate which he can't have for breakfast and it's my special chocolate that I don't like to share

OP posts:

Whereisegg · 14/08/2014 11:19

lolly my friend is having my dc tomorrow while I work, I'll be back at 3 but friend has said they can stay for tea.
I am so excited to go home and sit

lamb don't let this experience with dsd put you off having your own, it would put me off having them with someone that just can't be bothered one morning a week though.

wantsleepnow · 15/08/2014 14:15

lolly, when I want to each chocolate for breakfast (or any other time when I don't want to share), I say I have jobs to do in the other room and take myself off to bed to eat it in peace. They are none the wiser.

I also tell both DC and DSS that I have work to do which cannot be disturbed when I want to watch catch-up tv. Ok, so I have to watch it on the computer in a locked study rather than on the sofa, but at least I get peace!

Peace is very important to me...

thebluehen · 15/08/2014 16:40

I understand this and it's quite possibly one if the hardest parts of step parenting to me.

Never guaranteeing some peace and quiet or being able to plan that time.

I try not to feel guilty about not giving the kids time but if they're in my home, I invariably do feel guilty!

If they're not there, that's when I truly relax. When I was a single mum, I craved alone time, I'm no different now!

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