Am I 'messing' her head up?

[Squirrel3]

My dsd doesn't like me, pretends to dp that she does but will 'sing' songs like "If only you knew how much I hate you, every time I am near you I hate you more". She sang this to me whilst we were holiday this year (I can't tell you how much it hurt me). She hates being alone with me and told me that her whole family hates me.

I try and ignore these comments but after five 1/2 years of trying and trying to get along with her and being a friend to her I have come to the conclusion that its not going to happen (if you have read my posts over the past few years you will know how hard I have tried).

I have three other step-children and I have a good realtionship with them, its just the youngest.

Lately I've been thinking about it and my relationship with my own stepmother (who I hated and nick-named 'Cruella'). I am sure that my relationship with 'Cruella' damaged me in some way and I really don't want to do the same to my dsd.

I love my dp and I love my step-children (Yes, even the youngest one we are talking about here, its more difficult but I do love her) and I don't want to 'damage' her.

Its so difficult, Ive done the talking about it thing with her, tried to do girlie things with her, taken her side and fought for her when she wasn't in the wrong but being accused. Tried to show her love but she still acts like she can't bear to be near me.

I don't really know what the point of this thread is because I don't want to leave but I can't see a time when she will actually want to spend time with me. I don't want her to grow up hating me, that kind of resentment only causes damage. I'm just at a bit of a loss as to what to do about it, I can't make her like me, I can only continue to try to be a friend to her.

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble.

Oh Squirrel, poor you. Of course you're not messing her head up - you're being a wonderful stepmum to her, it's such a shame she doesn't realise that

Have you spoken to your DP about it?

How old is she Squirrel? Is is worth trying to tell her what you have just told us? Ask her why she hates you, and what you can do to stop her hating you?

What does your dp think about the situation?

Hello Naam, no I haven't spoken to dp about it, he knows the situation as well as I do, he just refuses to acknowlege it.

When ever dp asks dsd if she has a problem with me she says no, that she likes me, she has told dp she is fightened of me in the past (complete rubbish, she is no more frightened of me than I am of a bowl of custard). I do however worry about the effect that the obvious dislike for me is having on her.

I just don't know how to 'fix' it.

TBH I think I would just stop trying. Be polite and nice, include her, give her every chance but if she sings awful things like that at you just walk away. Don;t give her any attention for it and don't show her you care. Just walk away. Rememeber its not you that she hates, she'd be the same with anyone. You may find that if you stop trying she seeks you out more as well.

How helpful is your dp? I'm glad the other three are lovely.

BonyM, dsd is 11, and yes I have tried to talk to her, I think she may be being influenced by her mother (what child isn't going to side with her Mum?) It just makes everything so much harder.

When she is asked she always says that she doesn't have a problem with me but she so obviously has, I think she is frightened of upsetting dp if she admits it to him.

I also think you should just back off. Singing songs like that sounds like spiteful attention-seeking to me. Walk away. Don't let her treat you like dirt. Of course be friendly and polite and relaxed around her, but don't keep trying to make her like you. keep your self-respect and I agree that she might be so surprised the rules of her game have changed that she changes her behaviour too.

I never let her see that those comments upset me, I just ignore, and try to let it go over my head. I am not really the type who will make lots of cooing noises and say "Oh darling, why not, oh you poor thing", although I have tried to chat about how she feels, nothing to deep, just a general chat about how I am not really the enemy and I'd like to be her friend when she is ready to let me be one.

But after five 1/2 years of it I can't see what more I can do?

There really is nothing more you can do Squirrel. I agree with jimjams and sorrell

What a shame your DP doesn't support you more!

Squirrel I've got no advice for you, but I just wanted to say that I have no doubt that you've done everything you can. How incredibly hurtful and upsetting for you.

Naam, I think dp is typical of most men in a situation like this and is burying his head in the sand, "If I don't admit that there is a problem, there isn't one".

TBH, I don't really see what he could do even if he did admit it to himself?

Maybe I should stop trying and accept that we may never be close, but my OP still stands, am I messing her head up being around? Would it cause more damage to her if I suddenly wasn't around? Oh, the questions that arise out of being a step-mum eh?

Maybe its something only time will tell, gosh, she might even become a step-mum herself one day and ask for my advice!!!!!!!!!

Thanks Surfermum,

btw, how are you?

Squirrel, you really are not messing her head up being around. Absolutely not at all

As for your DP, no I don't suppose there is a lot he can do but I think it'd make you feel a bit better if he at least acknowledged the things she does/says to you?

I really would stop trying. You've been in her life for more than half of it iyswim, I think you've done all you can. You may well notice a difference in her

Just to give the other point of view. My mother had a very close friend who (as far as I am concerned) contributed to the eventual break-up of my parents' marriage. They now co-habit and I simply don't like him both on a personal level and because of his being instrumental in their break-up. I can't help the fact that I do not like him as a person, but I do try to be civil to avoid causing trouble.

It is difficult when two people who don't get on are forced into having a relationship because of a third person. Have you tried asking her to make an effort to get along for her Dad's sake, ie. it makes him sad, etc? Otherwise, I guess you probably have to just keep ignoring the bad behaviour.

Your right Naam, I have been around for half her life! I hadn't looked at it like that before.

Time to stop trying, what will be, will be....

Sounds like a cue for a song! lol

Mumpbump, I understand what you are saying about being instrumental in the break up but I wasn't instrumental in dp and his ex splitting up in anyway. I didn't meet dp until they had been split up for two years (dp's ex threw him out and moved in a much younger model btw).

I just wanted to make that clear, but I do understand why you would feel so resentful towards someone that was instrumental in your parents break-up.

Ignore her - do the bare minimum and only be polite to her when you have to speak to her - be kind and loving and normal with the other kids and if she asks why you are behaving like it tell her that when she can treat you with respect and not make your life uncomfortable then you will start to be nice to her again until then she is going to be treated as she is treating you.

AY 11 she knows what she is doing - she understands this bahviour is hurtful and shouldn't be doing it. And why miss out on other SCs and your DP just because of her you will only make her into a bully if you leave as she will only be like this to the next person who comes along!

Excellent post Twinkie1