Feel I've wasted everyone's time

[takayama]

Met DP 2 and a half years ago. He has 2 kids who live with him full time (no contact with their mother for years).

For a long time, our relationship was just the 2 of us, because he needed a break from childcare sometimes, so would spend it with me. I only met the kids fairly recently. The kids are no problem, but I was shocked by how much it changed my feelings for DP. We intended on getting to know each other first and checking we really loved each other before bringing the kids into it but now it seems like catch-22 - I fell in love with this man without his kids around, and actually seeing him in a parent role has really made me question everything.

From a selfish perspective I suppose I got used to our time together being just about us - but when it's with the kids too it is focussed on them, and it feels like a whole day or weekend can pass without DP or I having a proper adult conversation - we only talk about the kids, or to the kids, or through the kids.

I suppose I was perhaps a bit deluded - I knew their bedtime was 8pm but that they watched tv in their bedrooms until they fell asleep - but I didn't realise this meant DP running up and down the stairs every 10 minutes until they are asleep. So the little bit of time in the day I thought might be ours, in fact isn't - until around 9.30pm when they are usually both asleep, but DP and I are tired and I'm slightly fed up of the day.

I recognise it must be hard for everyone - DP and the kids are used to not having to share each other, and for DP the fact that he spends all evening going up and stairs is just a minor inconvenience, because if I'm not there he spends evenings on his own anyway.

I feel crap - DP is wonderful and I love the bones of him. Feel like I've led him up the garden path. I don't want to lose him but I worry that I have fallen in love with him in a particular situation only (i.e. when it is just the two of us, or with our adult friends) and that is only a very minor side to him - the majority of his time is with his kids and being a dad. So how is this relationship ever going to work :(

If he wants to run up and downstairs for half the evening, that's up to him! As the children get older, they should start to be less needy but as a previous poster said, they will be going to bed later.

Most couples with two children don't get a great deal of alone time unless there is a lot of family help/sleepovers etc.

The point here is that you don't feel the same way about the dc as he does (naturally) and you never will. I think you have to accept the situation or seriously consider ending it. It doesn't sound like you want to sign up for family life with children that are not your own.

He sounds like a very giving person who dotes on his children. If his parenting style is not strict enough for some people, well, we are all different. It is not for the op to tell him to put in boundaries if he is happy and the children are happy with the set-up.

I don't thi

I don't think OP is suggesting she will tell him anything other than why after two years which is quite a significant relationship she doesn't feel it's for her!

I think it's very brave to acknowledge and I wish I had sometimes! We only have one dsd and she is pretty independent these days would I do it again NO! That doesn't mean I don't love my OH but there's no way I would put myself through all the sacrifices and compremises again.

I see my friends having their first babies like I am and how nice it Is to have that family unit.

Before anyone attacks me I don't hate dsd, I don't want to get ro

Bloody phone!

Don't want to get rid of her but us on our own in the relationship when she's not here is totally different as OP says and the no ex would be heaven!

Hi OP.

I feel your pain, but wanted to put a different perspective on it. Long story short. I met my dh when we both had one child each, and for several years both dc would go away eow. We had regular alone time and it was heavenly, then we got married and had two more children in rapid succession, and -poof- no more time alone. Ever. I found this really really tough. He didn't so much, I think.

Just wanted to say that them being dsd's is not the issue. I felt the same about my own dc, despite loving them deeply. And I do understand about feelings toward a dsc, as I have one of those too.

Your issue is with your DP not making any allowance or room for you in his family and expecting you to make all the adjustments. I don't think running up and downstairs after bedtime is reasonable and normal with children their age, he is treating them like babies and it really needs to stop now. The intercom needs to go.

I suggest explaining that you are finding it harder than you imagined and ask if he can see anyway that he could help you adjust. Ask if if he thinks it's normal to be at the beck and call of his DD's all evening, I suspect this has been borne out of some sense of guilt or sorrow at their not having their dm around, he probably isn't particularly enjoying it either but that it has become such a routine since they were babies that he no longer questions it. The whole dynamic of their relationship as a 3 will have to change if you are to join it and make it a 4. To think you can slide in but remain on the periphery for ever is not fair on you, and will not help the girls to accept you as a part of the family now. You really need to understand from him that he will be able to make changes to incorporate you into the family, which will mean you all having to make some changes and some sacrifices. These can be gradual, and one step at a time, but if you can together make a plan and you can see the small efforts and changes that will include and consider you (and him together as partners) which will in turn have a beneficial effect on the dsd', I think you will be able to manage the more difficult moments.

The bedtimes seem to be at the thorny end of the stick right now, and I do think these may be a starting point but there will be lots of challenges ahead, such as how will you be viewed in future - as a mum, or always as daddy's girlfriend? As there is no mum on the scene the former would be a natural enough position to take up, but with it comes active parenting, setting boundaries, and carrying out sanctions or punishments, doing the school run, taking them shopping, advice on bf's, advice on periods, contraception, managing hormonal stroppy teenagers - all ahead of you and cannot be done without conflict. Read any of the teenager message boards. You need to really think about what you are taking on, and accept it will not be a bed of roses.

You need to talk, really talk, to him if you hope to develop your relationship and stay together. Many dp's of the same biological dc don't manage to successfully co-parent, so them being not yours makes it even more important that you talk to each other, are honest about your feelings, and accept that you both need to accommodate each other, and so do the dsd's. My dh and I have precious little 'alone' time together but aim to have at least a couple of kid free evenings a week to chat, watch tv, snuggle (by putting them to bed/asking teenagers to be in their bedrooms).

I hope I haven't put you off I have all flavours - own kids, step kid, sons, daughters, teenagers, little ones and I love them all dearly, but individually, and I wouldn't be without them. I love my dsd differently to my own dd and I love my two ds's differently from each other and from their sisters. And it grew, my love for them. It didn't happen like a thunderbolt overnight. It took time, and so I think it should.

Good luck OP, I hope you fathom it out (and if you do come back and tell us all, we will be grateful for your insights!!). Xx

Thanks everyone

I am not certain that I don't want to sign up to family life - but I am only just learning what family life is for DP and the kids. I've never spent more than a day at a time with children, and it's very different interacting with friends' children than it is with the children of a man I have been in a relationship with. I thought somehow it would be easier, because they are little extensions of him, and considering how much I love him - but it isn't all that easy, particularly after spending all our time together thus far without the kids.

I agree, it's time to talk. For all I know, DP may want to go back to how things were, providing his parents feel ready to take that on again. I wouldn't mind that - but whatever reservations or anxieties I have now will still be there in a year or two, and at some point I will want more than just the odd evening or weekend (and I hope DP will too). The kids won't have grown up all that much by then, but perhaps I will.

A happy medium would be to rely less on his parents gradually over time. But I do still feel I need that time for just the two of us. That either has to come from his parents childminding, or from seeing if DP will move at all on the bedtime issue. If there's no childminding and no time in the evenings - it's a no go from me. I know my limits and I can't delve headfirst into family life. As sad as that is to admit. I won't be dictating anything to DP - as I have said earlier, it isn't my place, and if he isn't bothered by the lack of time alone together these days then that is ok - we want different things from a relationship.

I hope it won't come to the latter option! I'll let you all know how it goes when we get back from our days away.

Do your DP's parents continue with the intercom and running up and down stairs business? Or is that just something that your DP does? Perhaps they could help to break the daughters' reliance on it - it sounds a bit ridiculous that they have their Dad on a string for nearly 2h after they've gone to bed at their ages!

If they don't think the intercom situation should continue either perhaps they could talk to him about it as well, because I don't think it's doing anyone any favours for it to continue. :(

And it might be worth investing in a couple of timer switches for the TVs, so they switch off after a time? My Ds1 has a tv in his room that only plays DVDs, he gets to watch a DVD when he goes to bed (between 8:30 and 9pm) but it usually puts him to sleep fairly quickly and then the TV timer switches it off at 9:30pm.

I could've written some of your posts op, I had no idea what it would actually be like to be with a man who had a child.

It's all very well people saying 'you knew what you were getting into etc' but you don't. I also don't have my own child and I had no clue I naively thought it would be much easier.

I get on with my dsd, there have been many challenges. I am lucky, dh was prepared to meet me halfway and so between us we began to parent in a more effective way.

There are still moments when I think wtf but dh although a parent is also human and unfortunately kids don't come with a handbook! We're learning, him to be a dad without Mickey ears and me in supporting him in creating boundaries for dsd.

If you love him and can get your head around having dsc then your support will hopefully repay you tenfold.

I have told my dh, when dsd flies the nest it will be me still standing beside you. The only thing we argue about is dsd ridiculous mother but that's a whole other thread!

If you're willing to have his children in your life that's great it's a huge decision and isn't always easy but eventually you will get adult time together. when they've left home you could be a big asset to their lives. My dsd and I have a good time doing girly stuff my dh wouldn't have a clue about. You might be just what's needed

Great idea about a timer - most of their DVDs when they finish tend to play the menu music on a loop, which means DP has to go and turn the TVs off before it drives us mad over the intercom. That often disturbs the kids who are quite light sleepers.

Not sure what DP's parents do - I can't imagine them going up and down the stairs but they do have the intercoms on I believe. It can also be a bit of a pain in the morning - they get up 6.30-7am but often will amuse themselves for an hour, which is great. But we get woken by them on the intercom anyway! Will see what DP's response is first. I intend it all to be tactful and based around how we can find some quality time together (childcare / evenings together / whatever he suggests) - and can discuss the interruptions during the evening then, as more of a barrier to any adult time rather than a parenting issue.

Glad you, DP and DSD have figured things out Unlabelled. It would be nice to do things with the kids on their own one day - too soon at the moment, but it would be interesting to see how they are when they haven't got DP around. I have done a bit of nail painting and watching Princess Diaries (though don't think I enjoyed the latter any more than DP would!)

It's a slow process I'm 8 years in, I met dsd when she was very young she's now 11, how are they around you?

Oh forgot to add..we had the 'dad I need you' not to mention the awful screaming tantrums if he refused every night up until 3 months ago when I suggested that at bedtime she gets 15 mins with dad to talk about her day etc then it's bedtime no getting up.

So far this has worked.

8 years in...! Yes, 'daddy I need you' is the usual call over the intercom. They each get 15-30 minutes with him (makes the whole bedtime routine a really long affair!) and never seem to get upset when that time is up. But still get the calls over the intercom.

They are great around me, I honestly can't complain about them at all. I asked DP if he thinks they behave differently when I am there and he says no, he hasn't noticed anything, so that reassured me. On the surface, all has gone well over these past few months - we all get along fine, go on days out, etc. But inside I have found it a struggle, hence the thread I suppose.

Yep it's not easy, my blood used to boil when bedtime was dragged out over 2 hours. I had loads of 'why can't you see what's happening here' conversations!

I had one spectacular tantrum yes I am an adult and a horrified dh finally did something about it.