Surnames when dsc's mum gets married?

[Tory79]

Dsd is 9 and her mum is getting married next year.

Dh and his ex were never married, and dsds surname is double barrelled - mum-dad.

Dsd asked dh the other day what he thought about her changing her surname when her mum got married, apparently they have been talking about it at home. Dh asked her what she wanted to do, and she said she didn't want to change it, although dh thinks that might have been for his benefit rather than what she actually feels. It's further complicated by the fact that dsd has an older brother who doesn't see his dad, so he will likely just change his surname (currently his is just mums)

To me the best solution would be suggesting that dsd changes to mums new surname-dad, but I know dh feels a bit weird about that.

I don't think dh is inclined to put his foot down and refuse to let her surname be changed, but he also is concerned that dsd mum will encourage her to just take the new surname and completely drop his name, as apparently she already often just uses her surname for dsd 'to make things easier'

Just curious as to what has happened to others in this situation?

I hate this, I had a lot if pressure put in me to change my name to stepdads. I kept mine but my brother changed his, he was too young to really have an opinion. I really think that once you register a child then that name is theirs until an age when they can change it them self.

Can your dh talk directly to his ex about it without creating pressure in you dsd?

There is no way on this earth I would have wanted to take my stepdads name, my mother married him I didn't

I agree that your DH needs to talk to his ex.

Maybe also explain to DD that if she wants to change her name she will still be his daughter and that will never change but if she wants to keep her own name that is ok too.

Maybe the ex needs to allow DD time to decide and not put pressure on DD to make a decision just because of the wedding. A name can be changed at any time it does not need to happen straight after the vows are said.

I hope it all works out.

It is difficult. DSS's mum just got married and took her husband's name (she was never married before so had always had her maiden name, DSS has his dad's name). This means DSS(9) is now the only one is that household of him, half sister, step sister, mum, step dad who has a different surname, whereas previoysly there were three different surnames between them. and I know he feels a bit strange about it.

He hasn't asked to change his name though, and I don't think he will. His mum definitely believes he should keep his dad's name, so no pressure from that department. I do wonder how DP would feel if DSS asked to change - he'd definitely be hurt, but he is a very rational person so he might ultimately agree to it for practicality's sake.