Help, at the end of my tether.

[Priesty77]

Hi,

please help I'm at the end of my teather.

I've a 17 year old ds and have been with her dad for 14 years. In all that time ds and my relationship has gone downhill and has finally hit rock bottom. She does all the usual ds behaviours, ignores me, sits in her bedroom if hubby s out and it's me in the house, acts as if I'm a piece of sh1t or not there, tries to break me and her dad up, won't stay in the same room as me, phoned me snd shouted at me because I had an argument with her dad because the two of them left our daughters 4th birthday party because no one said hello to her - she arrived 5 mins before the party started and we were still setting up but were expected to drop everything and fuss over her. My husband has NEVER pulled her up on her behaviour/attitude towards me. I've been up to her mums house last summer and had it out with her and her mum over her behaviour to no avail. I've done everything to try and include her, told her repeatedly she was welcome to have friends over, let us know if she wanted to do anything during school holidays etc etc. she's not stayed over since our daughter was born and she turned up a few hours early, husband was in bed as on nights so I said to her daddy's in bed, I'm up to eyes in newborn and 22 month old you might as well go home (she would have just sat in her bedroom until he got up, no interaction with me or kids and I was too tired to deal with it). Now she only comes round to kill time, she's moved to next town but still works here. Her mum is cleaner at my kids school so she gets dropped off at school then comes to ours until it's time for work n expects a lift. Never comes over any other time. Even now she won't say anything to me or stay in same room. When I've spoken to my husband about it he's just said "she doesn't know what to say she doesn't know how you are feeling or understand your illness, I don't so why should she?" (I've got anklyosing spondylitis, inflammatory arthritis of spine), so that is now her perfect excuse not to talk to me. My husband and I have 2 children, ds 6, dd 4. She doesn't interact as much with dd - jealousy but will try n act as if she's ds's mum. when she was last here she made herself a loom bracelet from kids bits with no thank you, even ds noticed and said something. I said to husband when he got back from taking her to work " next time you speak to x can you ask her to say thank you to ds for the loom bands as she didn't and he noticed" husbands reply? " she made iit herself and she was in a rush"!!! I couldn't believe it,she had plenty if time to stand around waiting for them to come and give her a kiss and cuddle goodbye as demanded by my husband and had at least five minutes before leaving after finishing to say thank you. I told him that it was the kids loom bands and if roles were reversed he would have come down on ds like a ton of bricks, shouting at him and telling him to thank her. It's such double standards with him. After this he didn't spoke to me for a while.

She turned up today as I was leaving for work, my husband knew I was going swimming then possibly food shopping after work and said nothing. I get in just before 6 and get this from her:

Hi don't know what your problem is but you having the car and not coming home has caused me to arrive late to work having just eaten my dinner. I have tried to be civil with you but your problem clearly goes further than something I don't realise. It's a shame because it clearly upsets my dad but there's nothing more I can do

(Me) Your attitude is my problem. I do not have to justify to you where I have been this afternoon. You are the child

(Her) .... And YOU are the adult

(Me) So show some respect

( her) If it wasn't for your petty mean minded cruelty -I would

(Me) What? Get over yourself

(Her) And you need to accept that I am also one of dads children

(Me) And you need to accept I'm his wife

( her) Sarah- it's not a competition

(Me) I'm not getting into this again I'm sick of it it's round and round

I know I shouldn't have responded but I was livid,I was so cross. My husband went to bed after the first one, didn't say anything about it. No doubt he will wake up to 1000s of messages from her and her mum calling me every name under the sun.

I will be very surprised if he will stick up for me he never does and I'm livid with him for it. I'm used to her treating me like shit, she's made it perfectly clear she doesn't want me around and doesn't include me in anything - don't even get Christmas card from her. But some support from my husband would be appreciated. I'm at the stage where I don't want her in the house, I feel too uncomfortable as daren't say anything to anyone as she takes it the wrong way and goes home crying to her mum and it all kicks off, even if the conversation was between me and husband and she wasn't involved. I don't the need stress in my life, I have enough in my plate. I've tried everything, husband never backs me up and thinks the sun shines out of her backside and she can do no wrong. I've put up with it for years but I've reached my limits now. Advice please! Sorry for the rant. Been dwelling on it all evening and have nowhere to turn.

Thanks,

How awful..

I wouldn't want her in my house either. Sadly sounds like the problem is your OH if he won't set her straight I have no idea what you can actually do about any of it.

You say he worships the ground she walks on but does he not see how disrespectful she is?

Sounds like you have more than enough on already but he needs to realise there's a problem. Have you tried writing it down to try and make him understand?

At 17 years old I bussed to and from work regardless of weather my mums/dad's car was out front or not.

No real advice just she sounds like a spoilt Madame.

Your husband is the problem here he is not showing you the respect he should. Id be questioning my marriage frankly if my DH didnt support me in this type of situations. Talk to him, explain calmly how you are feeling and how you expect him to support you.If he still wont step up to the mark then maybe you should reconsider your future with him.

I have similar issues with my dsc's but they are much younger. However I also have a dp who fully supports me and raises merry hell at the kids when they treat me like shit!!!

I agree with the others, your dsd's parents are the issue as they have let her get away with this behaviour for too long

Thanks ladies - AlpacaMyBags, that's was 5 years ago now, yes was out of order but she would have just sat in her room, staring at the walls waiting for him to wake up .... She was 2 hours early and due to tiredness probably didn't phrase it well to her!

I've spoken to husband pretty frankly. Ive told him I want him to tell her her behaviour is out of order and he won't stand for it. He knows I don't want her in the house and near our 2 until she has apologised and proved she won't start poisoning my two. He knows I an upset by the whole situation and wish it was better but she obviously doesn't want a relationship with me so it's never going to happen. He's promised me he will talk with her and not brush it off as previously happened. So it's a case of watch this space and see. Thanks for listening, really needed to offload and reading these threads have made it easier knowing I'm not the only one going through this! Xx

Yes I said to him I feel like im on eggshells the whole time she's here and daren't say anything to anyone incase she's listening from another room and takes it the wrong way, goes home then her and her mum ring up mowing, shouting and crying because she's listened into a conversation not meant for her.

Sounds like your DSD could do with a part time job. A little bit of responsibility would open her eyes and might teach her how to moderate her own behaviour.

If you were the one to find it for her she might even be grateful . . . A little further down the line when she's done some maturing.

Expectantmum79, she has 2 part time jobs, the reason it kicked off on Friday is because she had to walk 10/15 mins to work because I had the audacity to be out! Unfortunately I don't think it's going to help her behaviour, her mums boyfriend (of about 5 years+) has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and she's brushed it off, saying she's not getting involved, she's leaving him and her mum to it. Unless she benefits from something she doesn't want to know.

I would make it clear I wasn't up for doing any more favours until she sorts her attitude out

Unfortunately she expects it and always has, there's been days when I've been bedridden and in morphine and she's demanded lifts here there and everywhere so she's been taken, leaving me home alone with our 2 (5&6). My husband knows I only take the stronger meds when I know hes home as I'm not fit to look after the children, but hey, she needs a lift so I have to get up and try and look after the children because she won't walk for 10 mins.....

Your DH knows this? This is a real issue in your marriage then. No wonder you're upset. You need to take this up with him. They don't give morphine to just anyone so you're obviously going through a lot of pain and your SD is almost an adult in the eyes of the law. Her attitude is appalling to both you and her DM.

Yes he knows this, I wear patches constantly and top up with oral morph/other strong meds if needed only if he's home as they knock me out and world war 3 could kick off in the bedroom and I wouldn't wake up! He knows this, she knows I'm on strong meds and can be bedridden at times, but hey, what's it got to do with her?! We have to bow to her every whim! If she wants to go to alton towers for weekend he will take her despite it being other end of the country and leaving me housebound as we've only one car and I can't walk far. Thankfully he took our 2 on my insistence so I wasn't housebound with them, but she wasn't impressed. He does really need to make her aware of how my disability affects us as a family and she can't be so inflexible/demanding when I'm in a flare.