When the step child returns.....

[AndOnAndOn]

So we have just returned from three weeks holiday away with the step child that spend equal time between both houses. Had a wonderful time, everyone has relaxed, got on, and really enjoyed each other's company. We generally get on but the holiday was just great.

When we do anything fun or exciting, they then go to their mums house who never asks about what they've been up to, just top trumps with news of her own, buy a new pet, throw a party etc.

It is sad and laughable at the same time. I'm not sure why, she shouldn't be insecure, there is no reason, the child and mother appear to have a normal loving (sometimes nauseating to be honest) relationship. She has a partner and family.

Anyway, we can't control what happens there, I'm just dreading the child's return here. The relationship we built up and easy joking around will be gone. It'll all be about the mum, who to be honest is the bane of our lives. Holiday will be forgotten. And I've just realised how much I'm dreading it, which really isn't fair on the child.
Those three weeks away were absolute bliss with mobiles off, I'm miserable being back and have just realised.
What do I do when this lovely child comes home and I can't do it?

To be very honest you sound very jealous of this child's mom, why would it bother you in the slightest that this child whats to talk about her mom and her life with her, you need to accept that this is the child's mother and there is nothing you can do to change that. They have a bond that should not be envied.

I understand where you're coming from. It's hard to put all the effort in and it can feel very unrewarding.

For what it's worth, I think kids who keep on and on about things that go on at the others parents house are over compensating. They don't actually think things are better elsewhere but it's their way of trying to reconcile the roles of all the people in their lives.

They might not be over compensating though, it could just be that they want to talk about their home lives and there is nothing wrong with that, they have lives at home and that is important to them.

We had this quite a lot in the past dsd would come Friday and by Sunday be much more open and relaxed and 'fitting in' if you like she would then go home and the week after it would all start again and it's really frustrating.

I think that when kids live in two environments it must be hard to adjust especially if they are totally different parenting styles etc..

Dsd used to talk about her mum a lot if we had had a particularly nice time I think it was guilt- likewise when her mum had a new partner she would come and go on and on and on about them like they were god. It a really frustrating I know I think it's mostly a guilt thing we seem to have grown out of it now but I know she goes home and does it about things we have done so her mum probably cops for it too if it's any compensation!

Ok I think my post must've been worded badly.

My point was that the relationship and dynamics change after a lovely relaxed few weeks together.

I didn't mean to criticise the mum, I thought I was just painting a fuller picture.

I think I understand a little of what you're saying. I used to feel that things were just about "coming round" nicely with youngest SD and then the time together would be over. On the next visit, it was like starting all over again. SD was hostile and ignored me. Like you, I felt it'd be easier for all of us if we all acknowledged how things were. Dh's kids ought NOT to have been put in the position of pretending that I wasn't a real "entity" as it would upset their mum.

Dh's ex was not meant to find out he'd remarried and was very upset when she did find out....I was this kind of secret, which I think meant the kids couldn't really discuss what they'd been up to in any enthusiastic kind of way with mum, because it really upset her that DH had moved in.

Should add, ex LEFT DH in the sense that, her affair ended their marriage. She wanted them to remain together in the same house so that her lifestyle didn't change but continued the affair. Then DH left. I came along years later.