different parenting styles

[rumred]

I would really appreciate some advice/thoughts about this...

Im 4 months into a relationship with a woman (im a woman too) who has 3 children at home (she has grown up ones also). They rule, as she jokingly told me early on. And they do. I have no kids but lots of experience and I like them, they don't put me off people dating wise- im mid 40s so expect most women I come across will have children.

Today I feel completely fed up as the kids walk all over her and so too me. I like boundaries and clarity. Like, no sweets for breakfast, chores for each family member, discipline when there's bad behaviour. My gf is inconsistent with all this and consequently the children eat drink do what they like and nag her a lot to get their own way. They don't see their dad so theres no respite, we rarely get time alone.

I accept we all parent/see the world differently. Any thoughts about how to work this out? She has altered some stuff like not letting them have unlimited sweets and caffeine drinks but im struggling with the lack of respect they show and rudeness- to her and me, and anyone really. We all get on well most of the time

Shes a lovely woman and I want to be with her. Im clear we wont be living together for several years but I'd like to be with her and to deal with the stress bits better. We have talked a bit but it feels really judgemental and critical on my part. Which, as a non parent, I know is very easy to be

I'm not in your situation but using have children and dp has 2. I find some of his parenting style questionable but I have to remember they are his kids and how he brings them up is his call.

However, I do expect that when they are around me (I live with dp and kids are there 7/14 night) they respect me and each other regardless of their up bringing.

I often tell them speak to your dad how you like but don't speak to me like thatim not your parent.

I have also expressed this view to dp who agrees . I respect the kids and compromise all the time for their benefit so the least they can do is be respectful. I don't tend to criticise his style but I do try to give my opinion.

It great that your dp has taken on board some of your views. However, remember parents going into new relationships can be a huge deal for kids . They are nowsharing their parent with a stranger effectively and will possibly be trying to 'Mark their territory' so to speak.

Also if you get on well most of the time then that's a good start. Speak to your dp and try to find out why she lets the kids speak to her in a certain way or why she allows certain behaviours.

It's important she understands how you feel if the relationship is to move forward. Maybe it's something you can work on together. Xxx

Thank you always

We need to talk more but the complete lack of childfree time makes it so hard. But we need to do it

She sees theyre rude and spoilt, and thankfully tries to sort it. Realistically it wont happen overnight. And yes I did need a reminder Im the stranger in the set up, there's definitely been bad behaviour because of insecurity, which I understand and try not to make worse. Im probably being a bit impatient but I suppose I worry the longer it goes on, the harder it will be to change

absolutely I know what you mean. I constantly need toremibd myself I'm an outsider no matter how long I have been there.

And at least she is recognising the behaviours and knows it needs sorted. Maybe once you get a chance to chat it will seem better.

If she is worth it like you say then roll with the punches. I find the good out weighs the bad but generally any of my posts are when I'm frustrated.

But there is lots of good and just be patient. Xx

thanks again. im trying. there are other issues, more about the relationship and communication, so its all a bit complicated and difficult especially when theres no space to sort stuff

Will keep trying

we talked by phone tonight, about why things ahd been so hard and other relationship stuff. she gets no child free time so talking is hard.

I said I wondered if her daughter had taken some money- it would be easy to do, and I know as a kid I was light fingered. I asked gf what she thought. I explained I relaised I could be wrong but her daughter went to the local shop about 8 times. shes not done this before. she was angry and said she waould talk to her. I asked her not to, i noticed a behaviour change but wasn't at all sure it was due to taking money. gf allows some behaviours- like going to the shop lots- that i find odd and may well misinterpret.

now she's talked to the children and daughter denies it- fair enough, im happy to be wrong here. but shes told her i said it and naturally shes really upset. she emailed me to explain all this.

this isn't good is it? im the baddie, and i was already struggling to be accepted.

my question, was i completely unreasonable to say something and was she to raise it and say I'd said it? i feel like my relationship with the children has now had it. they cant help but mistrust me as a consequence and i feel so low and bad for saying anything. my judgment is screwed.

I think you are entitled to an opinion and if you are concerned then yes I would raise my concern too.

If your dp has taken it as a dig at her kids she is probably just being protective and most parents don't like to hear their child has done something wto g. However it's great she took on board what you said and spoke to her kid. I don't think it was fair to drop you in it especially if your relationship with the kid is already strained. It might be worth speaking to her daughter and explaining why you asked if she had taken money. Idon't know how old she is but try to explain that taking severdal trips to the shops is unusual for you to see and in your experience it could mean someone stole money. But you realize that her mum is ok with this and it was a misunderstanding.

I would also speak to dp and say that you appreciate she spoke to her children but in future or for now could she not tell them that you said anything as you want to try and build a good relationship with them and things like this could damage that making a future with all of them difficult?

I don't know just a thought. It's a tough one! Xx

thanks. its really helpful having an objective opinion.

will try sort things this weekend, hopefully not too much damage done. its a minefield. and im not great at keeping my big gob shut, though I accept I get it wrong probably as much as I get it right.

hope you have a lovely weekend x

You say you don't have kids so I will try to give you an analogy.

You have a hobby that is a mild obsession to you. You have made yourself an expert, and everything you have created is an object of adoration and pride.

Your new partner has criticised it, says its poorly put together and you need to change it.

..... Cos that's how she feels when you criticise her children, to the power of 20.

I would suggest, if you cannot accept how she parents, that you end the relationship. She parents that way because she wants to. She has adult children too, she's not going to suddenly start doing it the way a childless and inexperienced person wants her to do it. She may make some mild changes just to mollify you, but you cannot just walk into someone else's life and declare that they are "doing it all wrong, and everything needs to change, and by the way kids! Fun time is over, now fuck off and do your chores. No sweets."

Those kids will not accept you if you continue the way you are going and believe me when I say they mean far mor to her than you do.

wow. you make lots of assumptions and some are wrong.
aren't all relationships give and take? I know I am not a parent but that doesn't make my views completely irrelevant. and I make mistakes, but you know what I see that and I apologize and try sort it. I get on well with the children but its hard at times. I definitely made a mistake re the money. what can I do except learn from that, admit it and move on?
mixing 2 different worlds is more difficult than we both anticipated but I hope we can do it. we will be talking later but the children will be around so bedtime/ early morning are the only opportunities we'll get

I appreciate the comments even though they feel harsh

The one and only assumption I made is that the children will not accept you if you continue to judge their mother's parenting.

But time will tell. Just bear in mind that the only authority over these children that you have is the authority their mother gives to you.

I don't think rumred is saying 'your parentings craps do it my way.'

I also think trollsworth you're to be isn't reaglly going to help how rumred feels.

However you make some good points to which I agree with you. But relationships are about give and take. On both sides kids it no kids. Yes the kids will always come 1st and yes if you have no kids you are probably going to do the most compromise but your dp also has to appreciate you have expectations of how you expect to be treated and they should respect that and if that means altering how they parent to an extent then they should be willing to make these changes.

If dp is unwilling to make her partener happy or more comfortable then there is no point in being with each other.
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Bit late to this! However maybe she parents her kids the way she does because she doesn't know another way, maybe it's an easier life.

Sometimes it takes the love understanding and support of another to make some beneficial changes.

I hope things are better for you in the last few days.

How was her relationship with the father of her children? Was it similar? Was she trying to keep everybody happy?

That is a sign of someone who's going to fail, and will not feel good about herself in doing so. Which will make it very hard for her to toughen up and start putting rules in place.

But perhaps that's exactly what the children need to tackle their insecurity, to know they have a strong mother, that their lives and behaviour have boundaries they can recognise, and understand there are consequences if they break the limits.

And by abiding by the rules, they have a happy and stress free mum, and a happy and stress free home as a result?

thanks again for input. weve talked a fair bit and are doing fine. she wants to change some of the parenting stuff, im not imposing my views. we talked today about managing the youngest who is too often violent and angry. she appreciates my support she said- I wanted to be clear it was ok to say something. doesn't take away from the fact we are very different in outlook and temperament, but with good communication I think we can complement one another.

re their dad- he was violent and is not talked about. this wont have helped of course, certainly in terms of guilt and giving in I think. anyway, its all work in progress so to speak but heading in the right direction

couldn't agree more about boundaries. again, work in progress

another few issues have arisen. I wonder if this would be better in relationships? but don't want to have lots of threads so am posting here instead.

how do other people manage big style differences well? and how would you handle getting next to no time for the 2 of you? it feels so difficult to sort out any problems because they are always present- except early morning/late night. she's motivated a lot by guilt and her own appallingly abusive childhood. I just don't know what to do for the best, I want to support her- I do support her- but its taking its toll as I have to make a lot of the running and my own life has been taking a back seat as a result.

ive asked her to sort a sitter out so we can have some time together. it hasn't happened. I need to talk about it in real life I think. But in the meantime I'd appreciate ideas and thoughts from anyone reading this

Its hard when you don't get much time, my BF has complained that I bring things up too late at night when we are both tired (I agree its not the best timing) but there no other time we are on our own! I also don't want to end up that everytime we are alone it ends up a big relationship discussion so sometimes feel i cant win.
You need time to just be together and talk about other things too.
Things have improved since he started to stay at his grans once a week, are there any family members who can help you guys? Even for a few hours on a Saturday afternoon?

yes maroonie I agree that even a little time would have been great and useful. but it wasn't to be. her eldest basically had a major strop and refused to come to my house earlier this week. we agreed we would talk when she'd spent some time with him but then...nothing. I tried to get some communication going but she stonewalled me so I said lets call it a day. too difficult too soon. its made me sad but im also relieved- being dictated to by a 12 year old wasn't much fun. and it happened a lot.

all my sympathies to the step parents and people in my position struggling out there. it is thankless a lot of the time. I think different styles are such a problem when one of you isn't the birth parent. a problem undoubtedly too for birth parents but you don't have the history and connection when youre not related