DP asking for my advice...

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

I don't know what my problem/issue is here so will just tell the story as is and explain as well as I can.

My dp had 2 stepkids girl (10) and boy (8).

Last night when they came over dp straight away had a go at his dd over nothing in particular- recently she has had a really stinking attitude to everything and knows everything and has an answer for everything back chatting etc. I don't think she had done anything bad just being cheeky so I can see where dp is coming from but I didn't think the way he spoke to her was very nice. I never said anything because I would never pick dp up on disciplining his kids. They used to be really close but his dd has become somewhat distant.

I think it's because he is focussing more time and effort in his ds.

I think dd presumes she is the 'favourite' and dp is trying to reassure ds they are both loved equally.

Ds plays football (not very well) but he lives going however he doesn't listen to the coaches advice or his dads. So dp tried talking to him and telling him what he needs to do to become better but as usual with ds it went in one ear and out the other. I think dp was maybe a bit harsh in his tone but I know deep down he doesn't mean it. He doesn't care if ds is good or bad at football he just wants him to try and to learn and to be the best he can be.

I am not a parent but I do try to do what's right by the kids. I have begun accepting they are always 1st priority and once you learn this it makes life as a sp much simpler. But last night dp asked me for advice on how to deal with the 2 kids.

I didn't really know what to say. I know the kids go home and tell their mum 'how awful dad was' because she calls to quiz him about what's been said.

They obviously speak to their mum at more detail than they do with their dad so he never knows something is wrong I til the ex calls.

I tried to tell him gently that maybe he needs to work on the to be of his voice as sometimes he comes across angry when really he is trying to be sympathetic/ understanding. also maybe tell their mum what he is trying to get across to then and get her to have the conversation as the kids listen to her. Dp didn't like this suggestion.

I don't really know what else to tell him. I'm not in a position to be able to tell him how to bring up his kids.

Would he read a book? There's a good one called 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' which sounds like it might be helpful in this case. ..

Hi OP

I think it is great that he has asked you for advice and I also think you have a great attitude towards your DSC.

It is a tough one. My dad was a shouty dad all the time. He wasn't so much telling me off he was just always loud. I adored him by the way

You could suggest to him that the cheekiness is not unusual for a 10 yo ( I am currently enjoying this from my 10 yo DS) and it shouldn't be allowed to continue but it could be a reaction to the extra 1-1 time he is spending with DS.
Maybe ensuring he gives equal 1-1 time to both would help his DD to feel less aggrieved and not kick back. We have 4 DC's and we try to spend time with them individually as well as a family, kids like attention.

In regards to his tone point out that if he is angry/shouty/dismissive she will be defensive. So then she will not listen which makes him become annoyed and the circle continues.
I think your suggestion was perfectly reasonable and I would have suggested the same. Why did he dislike it?

I don't think he would read a book but I might get it for me.

I think equal 1-1 time is important and should be easy as his dd likes what he likes ie walks, cycles ice skating etc. So he should be doing this with her. I feel he tries to get me to do stuff with her which is fine I don't mind butI worry he is losing his relationship with his wee girl . We both get it's a pre teen phase that will be on going for the foreseeable future. I think how we deal with it is important. I just don't want her left out and I feel she kind of is a wee bit.

Also I'm not sure why he didn't like my suggestion- I wonder if he does that he feels he isn't a good dad(he doesn't have a great relationship with his ex) she may also relish the fact he 'can't cope' which isn't the case. He is just at a bit of a loss.
Think a wee chat with dp is on the cards tonight.

I get the he doesn't want to ask ex for advice as it might make him out to be a bad dad. However the opposite is true. For example if they were together they would naturally turn to one another for support & advice regarding their children because they are their parents. They may have parted ways but the fact remains they are still parents.

I think he needs to talk to the ex regarding both children. He needs to explain to ex how he is handling DS's behaviour and also ask what he should do regarding DD. Children are happier and behave better when all adults involved in their immediate care are singing from the same song sheet.

It may also eradicate the quizzing of the children if their mum is aware of what is going on from their father. She may think he can't cope because she has no idea what is going on. I would hazard a guess to say that the children's behaviour will probably be the same at home (sometimes worse). He may find that by asking her thoughts/opinions she feels he respects her as a parent and she may admit she struggles at times too.

Reassure him he is a good dad and talking to their mum is act of a good father not a bad one.

Thanks flossy. I agree with you. I feel bad for him because he really is a great dad. He just has an unfortunate tone and while I understand him and I know he doesn't mean any upset, a 7 and 10 year old won't understand.

me and the ex never speak so I can only volley my opinuons to dp and ensure we are on the same page so he can go to ex and have a conversation about how to best parent the situations.

Unfortunately it may fall upon deaf ears butwillsee what happens. Xx