He says I am jealous

[Tryingtobehappy]

Just to set the scene, I have recently moved in with my partner who is divorced and has an 8 year old dd. She does not live with him full time but more or less stays over 3/4 times a week.

I find the time the time that she is with us quite difficult sometimes for the following reasons:-

• He is pure disney
• Nothing she does is wrong
• He over praises her..every thing she does is amazing...wonderful..fantastic...even if she finishes her dinner she gets a "well done..good girl"
• She gets her own way in a sneaky underhand

way -he always says how stunning she is! -She is very manipulative -She mimics my actions..strokes his face..holds his face in her hands an kisses him...strokes his chesthair!! ugh

• I feel like a gooseberry while they have their little love-ins

-Dp not very affectionate with me but so gushy with her.

This is not a full list but writing it down is almost theraputic.

Anyway tonight at dinner she said that a friend at school kept calling her chunky monkey or something similar..which is not true or nice as she is a slim girl. Anyway my dp came back with
"well R that is not true as you have a beautiful figure"....and then told her to tell him he looked like....someone on the tv who is not particularly attractive.

After she left the room I mentioned that saying your daughter has a beautiful figure was not an appropriate thing to say to an 8 year old. Not in a pervy way just wrong. I felt a bit weird when he said it. Maybe if he has said she was slim and had nothing to worry about? That would have been better.

He retaliated by saying I am sick in the head and plainly jealous of his daughter.This is not the first time he has said this.

Am I jealous?Maybe I am?? But sick?? That is harsh. I have an 18 year old dd myself so know what little girls are like and how they think.

I feel pretty upset tbh :-(

In defence of the OP, some non-resident parents tend to overdo it, and not just with daughters. For a number of years I struggled with the very touchy-feely relationship DH had with his son. By the time DSS was school leaving age, he was taller than his Dad, and they looked rather odd walking around the shops entwined around each other. If DH stopped at the petrol filling station, DSS would get out the car to stand with DH while he filled up, and would then literally hold on to him while DH went to pay for his fuel. It was odd, age-inappropriate, and they often looked more like a gay couple with a big age gap, than father and son.

Petal your post makes me sad that your partner and son obvs didn't feel secure enough in their relationship that they had to do this to feel close.

But I don't think it's "weird", just a bit sad.

If you had a problem with the behaviour, shouldn't the issue lie with your partner, rather than the son? He is the adult in the relationship after all.

I did tell DH it looked a bit odd, but he took no notice. However one of DH's friends pointed out that "you and your lad look like a pair of poofs!" and that seemed to hit home more than my comments.

Not it wouldnt make me feel better Sarahquilt if he was horrible to her.But creating this OTT environment for her will not do her any favours in the long term. He has told me that he wants it to be perfect for her when she is with him...which I get..but can't possibly be the reality.Life isn't like that. You would really have to see the behaviours and be in the same position to truly understand where I am coming from.

It is up to DP to change is attitude towards DD not the other way around. He needs to ensure she knows and understands boundaries regarding naughtiness if he wants her to grow up to be (hopefully) a well rounded adult.

Imv what DCs want is a happy household.

Happy parents who show that they enjoy their DCs company. And naturally that means parents who enjoy each other's company and support each other.

In a happy household the DCs can develop and grow into happy adults.

Instead of a happy household DP is bending over backwards to make what he believes will be a happy DD. Not good in the long run.

As with a lot of these threads, the poster would be better off really posting in Relationships.

The problem is the relationship with the dp. The sdcs are a red herring.

I agree Plinth

Not necessarily Plinth - I think blended families, non resident parenting etc etc are all emotional minefields.

Yes we all praise our children but an 8 yr old girl does NOT have a figure and should not be encouraged to think children have 'figures'

Your OH shouldn't be teaching her to be cruel to others as a response either.

Yes, there may be a little jealousy but it sounds perfectly justified as you're needs in the relationship aren't being met.

Children can be manipulative - they learn it from their parents and they're better at it sometimes because they're so young and cute.

Are you spending as much quality time with your DP since you moved in together? A mini break on the ex 's weekend with DSD might be just the trick.

8 year old girls DON'T have figures and it's dangerous to make them feel they have.

It's also a bad idea for him to encourage his DD to insult other children about their appearance instead of teaching her to rise above.

If you are slightly jealous I think he's given you cause by not being attentive enough.

Minibreak without the DSD possible?

Sorry, I posted again as I thought it had disappeared. Oops!

If the OP's needs are not being met in the relationship then that is down to her DP and absolutely nothing to do with DSD.
The OP as an adult should not be jealous of an 8 yo girl.

A mini break is a good idea however it will change nothing if on their return the relationship continues the way it is and OP continues to feel the way she does.

I don't think she's jealous of the child at all Flossymoo, more likely the intimacy which sometimes does disappear when couples start living together.
As to mini break I just mean it might refocus her OH, of course a woman's 'needs' aren't met by her SD - it would be disturbing if that were the case.

I never said she was jealous I said she shouldn't be. The OP asks in her OP if she is jealous.

You have misunderstood my post. OP in her OP puts a lot of this on to DSD and how DP is with her. She then said in a later post that actually her doesn't show her (OP) enough attention.

What I was trying to say badly was that the real problem is her & DP's relationship and not his relationship with DD. Hence my 'her needs are not being met' comment.

I agree sounds like he's over compensating affection on dsd and giving OP very little especially to say they have just moved in ..

I get annoyed with my OH he's very complacent and doesn't make the effort he should without a kick up he arse. A night away sounds a really good idea to me too..

Ah, sorry Flossymoo I've misinterpreted you. I'm a new member this week and I've had a 'hard time' for a couple of posts I've made so I'm probably a little on edge!

Apologies.

My posts are badly written expect so no worries

I am sorry you've had a hard time. You shouldn't have unless you posted about child/parent parking spaces or children over3 months in prams of course .

Welcome to MN it's a funny old place but you get used to it

Ha ha, thank you. I posted about cots and the debate got so heated that the thread was withdrawn; I had no idea it was such a emotive issue.x

Ahhhh was it threads with barbed wire edging? Yeah some folk get a bit funny about that stuff.

Tbh your not a true member until you have had a pasting and your thread deleted

I stumbled upon this post and even though I know it’s a very old one, I felt compelled to write here because I’m going through the exact same thing right now-and reading it made me feel less alone.

When you’re in a blended family and your partner acts like a “Disney Dad,” it can leave you feeling like a ghost in your own home. OP You’re not jealous of the child-you’re uncomfortable with the imbalance, the lack of boundaries, and the way your feelings get dismissed every time you try to speak up.

You watch your partner gush over everything their child does- praise for finishing a meal, constant “amazing” and “stunning” comments, exaggerated affection- and meanwhile, you’re on the sidelines, barely acknowledged. The child gets affection, emotional energy, and admiration, while you feel shut out.

Then when you express concern like when he tells his 8yo daughter she has a “beautiful figure” in response to a playground taunt, you get told you're “sick in the head” or jealous.
But wait what’s really going on here?

It’s not perverted to say something felt off about that comment. It’s called awareness. Children should be built up in healthy ways, but sexualized or body-focused language even if well-intended can send confusing messages. Saying, “you’re slim and healthy” or “you have nothing to worry about” would’ve made more sense. But pointing out a “beautiful figure” at age 8? It lands wrong, and it’s okay to say so.

OP You’re not jealous.You’re not overreacting.
You’re someone who sees blurred boundaries, emotional enmeshment, and a lopsided dynamic, and you have every right to name that.

Being told you’re “sick” or “jealous” for voicing discomfort is just emotional deflection, a tactic to shut you up and shut you down. But your feelings are real, your instincts are valid, and no one gets to twist that into something ugly just to avoid accountability.

I'm surprised by so many comments that don't align!!!

OP, what exactly are you getting from this relationship?
You don't sound happy.
Why did you move in with him?
Did he need a skivvy, cook, housekeeper, childcare?
Don't be wasting years living with someone when its not working.
You have hard years ahead of you if you do.

@Greenvases this is a zombie thread, it's almost 11 years old

I didn't resurrect it!