how do i get dp to deal with dsd??

[wheresthelight]

for the record i am not evil step mum but i am getting really pissed off at both dp and dsd.

DSD has taken to trying to pick up dd - no idea why, she knows that dd is too heavy for her and she is not to do it but tries anyway. as a result dd has been dropped from a fair height onto her back/back of her head 3 times in less than 5 days and i am getting really pissed off to put it mildly. Especially as DP ignores the fact that our 11 month old is screaming and goes straight to DSD to comfort her as she knows she is about to get told off so cries to win her dad over.

She has been a pain for a while now over refusing to eat/do as she is asked/expecting to be waited on hand and foot when here - no idea why, nothing has changed although i suspect it is to do with things at her dm's but cannot be sure. But whilst i am pissed off at her for dropping dd when she has been repeatedly told not to try and pick her up I am absolutely furious with DP for refusing (again) to discipline his daughter or to attend to the screaming ball of tears that dd ends up after these attacks.

I am not saying dsd is doing it deliberately, but dd is 11 months old and is repeatedly being hurt by her sister and dp ignores this. How do i get him to put dd's safety first and to discipline his elder daughter rather than fall victim to her emotional blackmail?

I would discipline any child who persistently picked up my Baby/Toddler after being told not to and kept dropping them, school friend, step-child, own child or whatever. As the mother of the Baby, who cannot speak for itself, it is for you to act on her behalf and, IMO, even if you DP does not step-up, you can still intervene for your child's own safety. As a general rule, I try not to intervene in another parent's upbringing of their child but, if mine is put at risk, I feel every obligtion to, to defend my child, especially with the age of the Baby and the age difference you cite (not to mention, the number of times it has happened). In fact, this holiday, one of my own children (5) was placed under a temporary ban re: lifting up the Baby (1) as I felt he was too rough, too gung-ho and had ignored my instructions on the subject.

The first time was difficult as we were at my great aunt's and she could see i was about to lose it and jumped in with well meant '"it was an accident" comments and the other 2 times I have tried to say something only for dp to basically stop me telling his daughter off. If i had my way i would wipe the bloody floor with her (which dp knows and i think is trying to protect his dd from)

I have told her off but a) it shouldn't be up to me and b) i am so angry about it she is likely to get a verbal slap

Tell him that if he doesn't tell her off then you will!!!

How old is dsd? My dc all went through a stage of picking up too heavy younger siblings. Maybe shouting isn't the answer? Is she old/young enough for a quiet but firm time out? Removal of toys/screen time? Her father should be taking action but that doesn't mean you can't, have you tried asking him how he thinks it should be dealt with (at a time other than when it's happening)? How is he about other discipline?

Tell him if it happens again, you won't be stopped from telling her off so he had better make sure it doesn't. Have a pre emptive talk with her one more time and stress that she is not to pick little sister up at all yet.

a) apparently it is up to you, so b) get your anger under control and think up an appropriate reprimand that you can deliver calmly and firmly.

I'm worried about this sort of thing with baby and dsd and my niece very enthusisastic but not careful enough with the dog let alone a baby..

I'd take her to one side very firmly and explain why it's dangerous and you would like her to no longer do it and get her agreement. If she persists on doing it after that and he won't do anything I'm with the others id take away tv or whatever it is that's important to make the point. In our house you only need to walk two paces towards the tv and behaviour seems to sink in..

Could you give her a job to do to help which isn't picking up? Helping with getting dressed or something less dangerous?

Feel your pain must be very frustrating he needs to grow a back bone it's silly I'm sure if he sat down with you to talk to her the point would be much clearer!

Surely you can see it happening so step in and take baby before she fully picks her up?

Wheresthelight, to be honest if my DH did this, failed to protect his youngest from his eldest I would be having not so quiet words with him.

I would be telling him that unless he parents both children properly and fairly I would be having a serious rethink on our relationship.

He is happy for his baby to be dropped on the floor? The man is beyond words. Don't think this is a male problem, it's not. It's a lazy arse attitude and it's only going to get worse.

But you can no more make anyone do something they don't want to do than fly to the moon. So perhaps you need to think about how you will respond to this situation in future if he doesn't change.

Maybe you're happy to spend the rest of your life never trusting him to look after your children, watching him fail to parent properly, or maybe not. Have a think about what your likely course of action will be if this continues. You will drive yourself silly trying to get him to do something against his wishes.

And what if OP wants to do something, anything which requires dad to be in charge of both children alone, she can't jump in then can she?

It's hard if you don't really feel you have a parent-like relationship to step in and discipline a child. But I think you actually end up with a healthier dynamic when you do. It's better than when you each side with your own child - I realise DD is your DP's child too but if you're there to comfort her I'm guessing your DP is feeling he needs to focus on his own DD.

My DS went through a stage of trying to carry DD when she was that age, and I remember him dropping her and me telling him never to carry her on hard ground I suspect most siblings with a3-6 year age gap have the same issue. How old is DSD?

I would have a calm word with her to reiterate why it's dangerous and agree with DP some consequence if she tries again. Don't wait for her to drop DD - dropping her is an accident, it's picking her up in the first place that she needs to realise is forbidden and will lead to consequences.

Can you try and give DSD opportunities for cuddles and interaction with DD in a safe manner - pushing her round the garden in her buggy maybe? Helping at bath time? I think my DS found DD quite challenging at that age - she was becoming more of her own person and was mobile and able to mess up all his toys. Could be one reason why DSD is difficult right now.

How old is DSD, 2, 5 9? It makes such a difference but sounds like she is misbehaving for attention (or some other mystery reason) - tell DP this and that she needs some kind attention but to be ignored if naughty (not the opposite which is happening now) and maybe involve her with DD- can she be guardian of her toys, or some such, and keep them safe then bring one for DD each day. It's in your interests to win her round for DD's sake (and yours).

Dsd is 8.5 and I have only been in the room once when it has happened so can hardly step in if I am not there can I?

To be honest he is shit with discipline, not a Disney parent by any means but just no idea how to be effective. his answer is to be nice and chatty and cuddles rather than reprimand.

I have talked tp her time and time again, she is a nightmare with the dog too and has hurt her several times. We are the non resident household so there isn't anything much to be removed. They rarely have the tv on here never bring their phones and are not allowed their computers here as they are on them 24/7 with Dm. Short of banning her from coming to legoland tomorrow which would be a massive over reaction I really can't see what more I can do.

She isn't attention seeking, amd is involved with other tasks, playing, helping to feed her etc but she seems to have it in her head this last week that she can pick her up and carry her.

I am sick of telling her no and telling her off when it isn't my job. I am step parent not the parent.

I have told dp that it must never happen again and that if it does he needs to deal firmly with hos eldest as I willnot have dd put in danger because he ddoesn't want to be the bad guy.

Her behaviour has been a nightmare for a while and she has already been told she cannot have her room decorated til it improves. Dss went through a stage of awful behaviour but having his birthday party taken away appears to have made him see sense over his attitude.

I think you're well within your rights to tell DSD off yourself if she's your own DD is getting hurt because of actions DSD has been told not to do. However, I do get where you're coming from. Your main issue here is not about the constant picking up but DP's refusal to acknowledge his daughter is in the wrong.

Sounds a bit silly but have you pointed out to him the dangers of his DD being dropped and hitting her head? I'd be pointing out that he's clearly not treating the children the same Your DSS is older than DSD, how would he react if DSS picked DSD up and dropped her? Would there be consequences there or would he be running to DSS defence? I'd also point out that if it happens again I will be telling her off regardless of what he thinks. But also he would be getting a earful off me as he clearly has no respect for his DD's safety or respect for me. I'd also be telling him I'd be holding him personally responsible should anything happen to her.

In a similar situation - my DD is slightly older than yours and we have a neighbour who often comes over to play. He's 12 but has special needs and has the mental age of a 6 year old but doesn't realise his own strength either. He loves little kids and I've caught him a few times picking DD up and carrying her around. I've also had to step in and state quite firmly she isn't to be picked up

Pajama that is entirely my issue. I can tell her off til I am blue in the face but I am not her parent so she doesn't give a rats ass what I say and it needs to come from dp. I used to have endless battles with dss over his attitude towards me but it was only when dp finally stepped in (mainly because I think he realised I was about ready to walk out) that dss has taken a blind bit of notice.

Their Dm refuses to discipline and doesn't believe in the word no. So I do understand why they both find it a struggle to come here eow and then for 2-3 weeks in the holidays and suddenly have rules etc but dp is their parent and he has been the one in the room so he needs to comfort our baby and tell his elder daughter off.

If it happens again they will both get the bloody riot act read and dp will be told that I will not have our baby out at risk by his daughter and if it continues I will be moving me and her to my parents until he decides to protect her.

I'd imagined DSD was much younger. She is old enough to understand no. Perhaps 'threatening' DP with family counseling to sort out his inability to parent properly might spur him on, otherwise you will have to do it yourself.

dozie you would think so! But unfortunately until I came on the scene she had never heard it at home. DM literally allows her to get away with everything. She doesn't believe children should be told no under any circumstances and she certainly has never taught them that their actions have consequences. its one of the reasons her and DP used to argue, he disagrees with her parenting style but she is of the opinion that she was primary care giver so it was entirely her decision how the kids were brought up and he wasn't allowed an input (she has told me this herself so not him being a bitter ex iyswim)

The kids have been with FIL since yesterday morning which has been lovely as I have been able to relax a bit (not been well) and focus on dd and getting her back into a routine after the holiday. But it has given dp and i some time to talk without big ears around. I have laid it on the line that rushing to dsd and ignoring dd is unacceptable and I will not stand for it. I have very bluntly told him that at 11 months old dd is the one he should attend to first and that making nice to dsd when she has deliberately broken the rules and that break has resulted in dd being injured needs to be met with a reprimand not him cuddling up to her and being her friend. DSD needs to learn that she cannot turn on the water works just to get her own way and get herself out of the shit. He has agreed that he was out of order and understands where i am coming from.

I have said that I can tell DSD off until i am blue in the face but as we have seen with DSS until he comes down on her like a ton of bricks for her behaviour nothing will work. Hopefully he will improve, but i also hope it isn't put to the test, because if she hurts dd again I will be frog marching her home and she will not set foot in my house again

In this instance I wouoldn't just be telling off the DSD, I'd be saying things like,

Do you realise if you drop the baby the wrong way, she could crack her head open/break her arm/etc and we'd have to take her to hospital. She could get really, really hurt.

I say stuff like this to my 2 when they are climbing on things they shouldn't be or dicking about, none of millions times asking them not to do it stops them. What stops them is me saying, Do you want to go to the hospital!!!!?

Don't wait for your DP to step up on this occasion, every single time, for your DDs safety, you need to sort it.

to be honest Royal i am not entirely sure DSD would care! Both dsc's are horrifically self centred and expect everything to revolve around them so i doubt she would give a second thought to it but I won't be letting anything slide going forward. If i need to physically remove her from my dd i will. DP's other kids or not MY priority is DD

I once caught DS2 holding dangling DD2 8 weeks old and I nearly had a heart attack. We had a chat about how delicate she is and can only be carried by adults. DS2 was much younger than your SD though.

You say you have talked to DSD about picking up the baby. Has she said why she does it? Have you asked?
Is she doing it because she likes babies/dolls?
Is DD crying and she thinks she is helping?

Maybe if you haven't already tried it have the you are the big sister chat. Give her a little responsibility regarding DD.
Explain that being a big sister is a very important job. DSD has to make sure that because DD is a baby and cannot care for herself she (DSD) has to help keep her safe. So picking DD up and dropping her by accident is not a good thing and not what big sisters do.

Try giving DSD a job to do for the baby. I did this with DS2 and it worked so it may help. It could be DSD's job to pick out the baby clothes for the day. Or she can be in charge of the nappy box, getting all the stuff out & making sure it is tidy.
Try and give DSD a different focus regarding the baby.
Remember you and her dad will be picking the baby up a lot, because she's a baby, DSD sees this and if she I feeling excluded (not your fault just natural) she will mimic what you two do to fit in. Hence the constant picking up of DD.

Your DP does appear to be a bit lacklustre in the discipline stakes but you can work on that with him. Which will probably me much tougher than trying to stop DSD picking up the baby

In regards to DSC being horribly self centred and thinking the world revolves around them is not an exclusive right of step child. I would say all children are self centred to some degree and they defiantly think everything is about them and for them.It's kind of built in.

Hi wheresthelight, if dp won't discipline his dd you will have to,for the sake of your own dd. You say she doesn't listen to you when you discipline her so maybe just telling her off isn't the answer, I think you need to have consequences set for her actions. Consequences can't just go in one ear and out the other. I'd also be telling DP this is what you are doing as he won't step up. Good luck OP