DP's children - the baffling new world of step-parenting

[StellaBrillante]

DP and I have been together for 17 months and we started living together in January this year. Both him and my DS, who is 15, get on like a house on fire and we now going through the motions of bringing his children into our the dynamics of our relationship.

I first met DP's DS at the beginning of the year, when we had a day out i neutral territory. Before that, he used to go up and spend every other weekend with them. They then came down to spend Easter with us, which went really well but it was hard work as DS and I put a lot into organising things, from egg hunts to games, etc.

Since then, there have been another couple of weekends when we've had them with us but last time, the youngest one was almost hostile and kept repeating a particularly remark aimed at me over and over. I didn't take it personally and in all honesty, I was working all weekend so it was a good opportunity for them to spend time alone with their dad. I did however get a couple of board games for us to play in the evening as otherwise, they would just sit in the front of their iPads or the telly all the time.

We now have them over for a week and I am afraid that they are not enjoying their time down here very much. There have been a few issues with the little one hitting DS and not stopping when told to do so - DP had left DS in charge of them for a couple of hours. DS is very patient but he's not equipped to discipline children. However, this sort of behaviour is not something a problem that I ever had with DS but I don't find it acceptable, regardless of age. They also keep going into DS' room even though they've been told time and time again not to. It's a pretty large house, they have a large bedroom just for them and plenty of space all around. The telly and games console are in the lounge so no excuse.

Last night, we were playing a game and I was shocked when the little one told DP to shut up. I didn't say anything as it's not my place and I don't really know them but in my books, this isn't acceptable at all. I suspect that they are finding it hard, I've always been on the strict side with DS so little things like table manners (waiting for everyone to sit down before start eating, etc), courtesy etc have always been reinforced. Therefore, DP continuously reminding them to say 'thank you' or 'please', among other things, is not going down well as they are not things that they are used to.

I am almost certain that I overheard the little one saying to his mum on the phone this morning that he wanted to go home and I don't know what to do. I'm working through a 10 day stretch at work this week, I am tired and I don't know where to start with them. DP took them to a museum which is one of the best of its kind in the country yesterday, with lots of interactive stuff for them to do, but they didn't enjoy that at all. If the weather is nice, there is always the park and the open air pool but I don't really know what to suggest to DP as they don't enjoy the things that I'd have done with DS when he was their age and I haven't got the free time to do simpler stuff like taking them to the coast for a couple nights' camping which is something that DS and I have always enjoyed.

Advice, please?!

Stella I think you sound like you're making a big effort and I understand that it can be really hard when step kids normal behaviours and interests are very different to that of your children. They simply have a different up bringing. I have similar things in that I was surprised how much dsd uses her fingers to eat when my mum would always shout at the hint of a finger.... but then I thought actually I hated all that as a child and while I pick her up on eating things you need to use a fork for with her fingers, I mostly ignore it as I can actually see that this is a good thing. Maybe of your dss was saying shut up playfully then it's a good thing that they have a relaxed relationship.
Things that need to stop, as it's your home too, are hitting and going into people's private rooms if asked not to. Get a keep out sign for your ds and make sure your dp does punish them for these things.
As for interests I don't know what to suggest without knowing ages and genders. But this is largely down to your dp who should know what they like doing and you're at work anyway. I think if staying at yours is a new thing and understandably the little one misses mum, then they may just be a bit negative while they're settling in and adjusting to life with you and ds in the picture. Maybe this time next year they will be more open to different activities. My dsds, dp and I all get on brilliantly so they're quite happy doing whatever as we all make it fun, it's a stage you may need to build up to as you don't have the contact at yours every time so the process is slower.

Hi :-)

They are 12 and 8. DSD 1 is really keen to get involved and there are no issues there. DSD2 is a different story altogether though, from being an extremely fussy eater to answering back (unfortunately, the 'shut up' wasn't playful) and shedding tears when things don't go his way. I am not saying anything but I didn't let DS get away with it so I don't know where to start. Obviously, I've had a quiet word with DP about the hitting and going into DS' room but I ended up with the impression that he likes to make up excuses for the children. On the other hand, he is pretty quick to point out DS' shortcomings, which I think is rather ironic but I am not prepared to fall out over it.

When reading your last post something jumped out at me. I would never allow my partner to be hard on my child but make up excuses for his own childrens behaviour. They should all be treated the same otherwise your ds may start resenting all of you.

Maybe you all should sit down and go over some house rules.

Absolutely agree with trendstopper all children need to be treated the same regarding discipline.

I think it is ok to acknowledge a child feelings, so a careful and frank talk between your dp and his youngest I feel is inorder. He can say that he understands that it is hard for him but he will not tolerate rudeness towards anyone, you, your ds and anyone else for that matter. He could say to his youngest that if he wishes to talk about his feelings and not act out then he (dp) is always there to listen and offer guidance.

Your dp may find reading around the situation helps him to ease his children into a smooth transition around the changes that are occurring.

At some point you will have to speak out and say something to your dss2, ie 'no dss2 you do not speak to me like that' and your dp must back you up. A united front and all that......this all balanced in with helping all members of this blended family to get on and bond together, which does take time. Each member must be respectful to all of the others.

I hope that all goes well for the 5 of you, you sound really very lovely and deserve happiness.