Parenting your own dc when you have dsc.

[Alita7]

So I'm 26 weeks pregnant with my dc1. I have 3 dsds. Dsd 3 (10 but has ld) lives with us ft and we both parent her, she has a mum with whom she had limited contact but we all see each other as a family unit and I am the mother figure while dsd 1 and 2 come eow and I have more of a typical step mum relationship with them.

In some ways we've merged our parenting styles, in others we've remained consistent but different depending on the situation and who dsd is with, ie I will always be a bit stricter about sugary snacks than him :p luckily we agree on most things or we agree to leave each other to our own ways - if I say dsd can't have a chocolate bar because dinner is in 10 mins he would nearly always support this even if he would have said yes not realising how soon dinner would be. This means that 90% of the time I am parenting her exactly as I would my own dc. But I leave alone a lot of things because she and dp did have an existing way of doing things before I turned up (Although I was already here when she moved in) so I can't muscle in and change everything.
But what about that other 10% of the time, when my ds is born? There are things that I feel are very important for a younger child which I will struggle to enforce if dsd doesn't have to follow those rules (NO sweets etc during the week unless it's a special occasion, less playing on video games during the week, doing what you don't want to do before the fun thing, so homework first, then playing etc etc ) it's all little things but I was wondering how easy people found it was to enforce things like this for their own children while not forcing the dsc to change too much (also with her ld a different type of parenting is actually more appropriate.) Dps parenting will always be more laid back than mine which is fine, but I want to be able to smoothly have more of a compromise with our ds.
Maybe her being much older, It will be easier as you'd expect to be parenting a child who is 10 years older differently anyway?
Any advice?

I think this is a common issue whether in step families or not. My DP and I have different takes on certain issues (he's more relaxed about sugary snacks and screen time than I am) but where we differ we discuss our opinions and try to come to a compromise/common ground we're both happy with and then that becomes the house rule. We have a DS each and a DD together but the house rules apply to all of them.
We don't always get it right and he's let his DS do things I might not agree with but I will usually try and bite my tongue and talk to him about it afterwards rather than arguing in front of the kids!
I think you're right that the age difference will also help as you'll be dealing with different issues.

Hi Alita,

I was worried about this. Several things are true. Firstly the huge age difference will be relevant as your dsd will be into teens almost by the time LO starts to copy. But the food thing will be an issue, and I find my LO wanting to eat whatever big DSD eats (which can be some pretty crap stuff, but she is not with us full time). If I were you I would not mind it for the first 6 months or so. During this time the baby will be very small and frankly you're all going to need all the coffee/chocolate you can get to keep going! After baby is 6 months old or so and you're beginning to settle into the role I would actively encourage everyone in the household into better routines. I.e. just don't buy chocolate bars/instil your rule of only at weekends etc. Tell dsd she is a big girl and can help set an example.

The choice is either that or basically decide that from your baby's perspective there are 3 grown ups in the house, you DH and dsd. Therefore if dsd has a chocolate bar it's not an issue of the baby's, since she's a grown up. If you see what I mean, with a DSD of that age you have the choice to figure her as a sibling therefore peer, or as a sort of third almost-grown up.

This will be interesting in our house too.. Dsd had her ears pierced at 5 and has been wearing some rather adult clothes/ make up hair dye for a long time. This isn't ok with us but we don't say anything because it's her mums choice and I don't want her to feel like we are picking at her. She has more 'age appropriate' clothes here which we

Oops encourage her to wear but there's no way I'd have any of that with our child I don't think OH would either but it will appear a double standard and could be seen as a dig at dsd I'm glad we have the big age gap too it should make it much easier!

Also when you're a mum yourself you have that power. You're the mum and if mum says no mum says no! You'll enjoy becoming mothers and really your little DCs will look to you for all direction/guidance. And they will (bar a bit of toddlerishness) take it when you say no!

Lets hope so I'm rubbish at saying no to dsd she plays me a treat and always has!

Thanks for replies!

I'm sure you're all right and it will be easier than I think it will :p

I think food is actually my main issue. Dsd has the capacity to eat a snack every 5 minutes and will ask when lunch is as she's rinsing off her breakfast bowl at times :p Shes not over weight but shes close and if we let her have all she asks for she'd be obese!
We struggle with her asking every time we eat if can have some, sometimes this is reasonable, sometimes not, but dp normally gives in while I don't. For example if she's had lunch out with dp and they get in and I'm just sitting down to mine she'll quite forcefully ask for some, I would say you've had yours, where as dp would give her some. If she'd grown up with me then I'd have enforced from the beginning that you can't always eat just because someone else is etc but she didn't live with us until last year so I can't change this. I want to make sure ds doesn't grow up needing to eat all the time! That's a long winded example sorry!