Absolutely bloody raging!

[Elizabeth120914]

Just a small caveat anyone who tells me what an evil step mother I am can knickers this is pure rant and in my eyes totally justified!

As I've posted on many occasions dsd comes here doesn't want to be here is miserable and wants to go home. I end up constantly entertaining her and being in the middle of ww3 between her and her dad. Contact was arranged for every other Sunday at her request collected first thing dropped off in the evening.

I'm 34 weeks pregnant OH got called into work this morning for 3 hours allegedly promising to be back to do some jobs with me. He's just appeared I have been planning a nice meal all day and night out. Ex has text him child is bored he's agreed to collect her an hour away without a) asking me if it's ok or b) if I had planned anything.

Now I will spend the evening sharing my romantic meal with a grumpy teenager who will insist on helping while he slobs on the sofa and she pesters me. I've had next to no sleep all week and I'm bloody raging inconsiderate bloody idiot. He's got a total roasting and is now playing on his computer.

If he had ever looked after her it would be different but I could cry it took months to sort all this out after ex refused to let her come, she refused to come and now he will be in bed for 8 she will be driving me mad and wanting to go home first thing tomorrow when a day out with MIL is planned he will be in a foul mood and I will get it in the neck..

Arrggghhhh!!

It gets better he's got frozen shoulder and has just taken codine so he can't drive and he's gone to bed so that's me collecting then and all evening of it- he's tired he's been at work all day and driven two hours. Apparently having her tonight doesn't suit him either!!!

I give up so he feels obligated because it's what ex wants, il have to look after her and collect her and she will have to come when she doesn't want too..

Tell him no you won't be collecting her. He has made the arrangements and it is up to him to facilitate them not you.

You have to stop letting him put on you like this. I know that is easier said than done but this will continue to happen if you don't put a stop to it.

You probably could do with working on your relationship with DSD however I doubt that will improve while your DH treats you like a glorified babysitter.

Me and dsd are fine it's him and dsd that are the problem I'm absolutely shattered and she doesn't want him it's me the whole time she's here I'm at the stage where sitting is even uncomfortable I wanted a bath and to sit in bed watching tv this evening not playing miss entertainment!

If I don't wake him up he won't even get up but I'm bothered about dsd being let down so as always il go, cook tea with her and talk to her while he does jack shit.

It's a pointless rant but I'm sooooo angry their aren't words I have had her all weekend every weekend for years, tried to make it all ok but we have has a horrible time with her and the ex this year and despite all efforts she doesn't want to come here unless she gets xyz and is only coming tonight because it suits ex. She's hasn't stayed here in nearly 3 months and il also have to sort out bedding her room the lot I'm absolutely thrilled.

He knows he's been a total idiot but also that I have "idiot" written on my forehead.. :( I'm so sick of all of this it's totally his fault but yet again my day is ruined by something totally out of my control and tomorrow morning dealing with the fall out when she's had enough and wants to go home instead of the day out arranged could absolutely scream Infact I have ALOT!!

I see exactly why you feel this way. It's all about your dp not your dsd. You had some lovely plans and he's ignored them.

Don't feel guilty for not wanting her to come or to be following you around, it's nice that she wants your attention but at the same time it's because she's used to dp not giving her much and she knows you'll give her some because presumably you don't take this out on her. Contact is supposed to be primarily for her to spend time with her Dad and any siblings, In many families It's also for step parent contact as they have close relationships but that doesn't mean to say that the step parent should be doing all the parenting and entertaining when the dad is right there, just too lazy!

If you've already had this conversation with him then I think you need to write him a letter explaining that you love him, you love your dsd BUT he needs to step up (I know this is hard because you're affectively telling him hes being a rubbish parent) he needs to be doing activities with her or with you both as a family. And as you get further along with you baby and then have a newborn, you are going to struggle and won't be able to randomly just go and pick her up.

From the tone of the thread it sounds to me like your main issue is his attitude? given the recent issues with getting any regular contact, am I right in thinking that you understand him feeling he has to say yes and wanting to see her, and if he'd said I'm so sorry, I know you had plans for a lovely night and I'll make it up to you, I'll make sure I get dinner in and I'll either take dsd o or play with her for a bit so you don't have to do anything at all except relax i just really want to take advantage of some time with her etc etc then you would be ok with it if a little disappointed?

He's not bothered if she comes tonight or not he's just thought about nothing and no one as usual! There's just no thought I've told him just now he's rubbish and he's given me a tonne of work and hassle that's when the response came that it doesn't suit him either!!

If he cared about contact he would speak to her when she was here it's like we have to do it because it's what he should do as she's his daughter if they say three words while she's here it's a miracle. Their relationship is rubbish which is why the one day positive contact is about manageable long periods of time are hellish especially for me as he's frustrated the relationship is junk and is shitty with me while she's here and she follows me like a lost soul..

I don't not care about her at all but at the moment a whole day of it is about all I can manage I'm afraid..

Sorry from your OP it came across as you see her as a nuisance what with the grumpy teenager and she pesters me reference.

I am pleased you have a good relationship with her because her father sounds shocking. You cannot force him to be a better father but you can stop bailing him out. If you stopped doing everything you do it would fall to him to deal with it and address the situation.

That was the plan had some really good advice on here about not buying her blah blah or telling her what we were doing before she decides if she was coming all was arranged for tomorrow and he's cocked the blinking lot up!

The mother is a joke dsd only arrived on the scene at 5! She was a nice little kid but as she's got older she's not easy she's manipulative and very materialistic she and her mum think we are a cheque book and that all affection is shown in money so won't come without being bribed. First question on drop off is what have u got..

Her and OH have gone apart over the last few years he needs to make more effort and she needs to try too he's the adult but they are really as bad as each other. I've been piggy in the middle and I'm afraid I've had enough now! She will ignore him and be all over me or anyone else to cause a wind up it's just a horrible situation ..

He's getting in the bath so maybe he's actually sorting it out I'm just annoyed we haven't had a row about this in months and here we go again it's just so bloody frustrating the whole point In access arrangement was to stop all this aggravation and last minute plans that cause the agro it's happened many times that we've got there and she's changed her mind!! If that's the case tonight someone's going to die!

It's bloody stop doing all this and say 'no'.

No good ranting then doing it all anyway.

No, I am doing what I had planned, which is x and y

No, don't hang around me, go see your father, I am busy.

Funky I think it's more complicated than that.

Sometimes I'm left doing everything for the dsc (usually it's the tidying up before they come as his parents drop them off and dsd 2 starts doing all the cleaning if it's not done bless her) but for whatever reason dp just won't do it and if I didn't (I've tried not doing it) then it wouldn't be done and the dsds would suffer, not him.
It's Incredibly hard to not feel like you're letting the kids down as they may miss out.
It sounds like If Elizabeth didn't play/ talk with dsd then dsd would be left with nothing to do at all.

I think there some really deep issues here stemming from your dsd and dp not knowing each other until she was 5. They didn't make the bond when she was a baby which is really sad and it means that he must be struggling to make it now and therefore is doing what he feels he should do - he's seeing her, but he's really finding it hard to engage with her. I actually think he needs to get some counselling to deal with this as I think he's actually not quite seeing her as his daughter and putting up barriers.

I'm not surprised she doesn't want to come, she must feel quite awkward around him, if he'd treated her like his child from when she appeared then that might be different but unfortunately it all sounds like it's overwhelmed them both.

I hope the mum had a bloody good reason for not telling him about her before she was 5 as this seems to have caused so many problems in their lives!!!

Yes it's nice dsd likes to be around you but she is not you're responsibility!

I get annoyed with my dp as his dd likes to follow me around and sit with me. Sometimes I just want peace and there she is. Apparently I should feel honoured!!!

Sou d like dp has majorly messed up and retreated to bed to avoid the confrontation and roasting you have for him!

I think it's important to remember it's not dsd's fault her mum wants rid and maybe say to her that you had plans which have been scuppered and your really tired so tonight will be parked in front of tv no frills entertainment and you are having a bath. She will need to amuse herself.

Who knows it might be a nice night just the 2 of you if dp is in bed. Maybe try to work out how her and her dad an get along better?

Xx

Lol if only! I'm calm now quiche in oven, bed made off to collect her.

She won't go to bed before ten nights ruined she will sit on the sofa not speaking as an angry presence I expect as usual unless I spend the evening interviewing her or put MTV on!

It's pointless ranting really we have been a strange family set up a long time il not ignore her or stab him as much as I'd love too . Can cope normally it's having it dropped on me that's made me raging he's just so bloody thoughtless..

I just don't see why he wants to go dragging her here out of plans when she blatantly doesn't want to come for no ones benefit but exes it just makes me fuming.

It's no different to inviting anyone round without notice I suppose it's just that she's so full on me the whole time! As OP said I'm not the bloody RP but she comes to see me goes out with me just is and will always want to exclude OH it's just not nice being in the middle..!

it's a really difficult situation Elizabeth. Please suggest your dp gets counselling or that they get some sort of parent/child therapy. I really think all this is down to them not knowing each other for 5 years.

We are all watching a film in silence until he goes to the toilet then she speaks!

Il try and mention it and see what's said he's took the rubbish parent on the chin or taken no notice who knows..

I'm sure missing a lot hasn't helped but it's compounded by the worlds apart ideas of what's ok and isn't between both households too poor kid doesn't find it easy to have two totally different sets of standards either I expect but then men and pre-teen girls is never easy so maybe we will grow out of this difficult patch or just put OH under the patio!!