Help... What can I do?

[Redshoes7]

My DP and I have been together for three years and lived together for two years.
He has twin boys, who are almost 9.

I'm currently pregnant with my first. I have studied early childhood education, been a nanny and worked in early childhood ed so I'm not a complete newbie.

We have the boys every weekend and they are with their mum Mon - Fri.
DP's ex has never brought clothes - not just since I've been in the picture, but ever.
Since I've been in the picture and I'm assuming ever, she has never taken the boys for a haircut, never cut their nails and they come over with nits, or week old band aids, or obvious dirt marks that have been there for some time.
There is no bed time, no chores, and has never done homework with them. DP and I try to do a week of homework on the weekend, when she 'remembers' to pack it.
She feeds them frozen lasagne or frozen pies for dinner every night and tuck shop for lunch every day - with mcdonalds in between.
If they have a normal sibling fight, she will offer to buy them an Xbox game to stop. There's no discipline, no time out and no repercussions.

When I first met DP, he admitted he was quite lenient on the boys as he didn't want to be the bad guy, but we've slowly developed rules, consequences, vegetables, hygiene, and some basic structure.

DP's ex has no hesitation in trying to force her opinions on the boys - including 'don't list to stepmum, she can't tell you want to you'
'If dad asks you to eat you vegetables, you don't have to, that's force feeding'
'Once the baby is born, they won't love you anymore'
'If dad loved you, he would buy you whatever you wanted'.

One of the boys is managing well and growing into amazing young man.
The other is getting progressively worse. He makes me dread every weekend. I'm worried he is mentally unstable, even at his age.
He is a defiant angry boy. He can't stand being told what to do, and I'm talking simple stuff like getting dressed or going to bed. He lies constantly, is in serious trouble at school every week and says stuff like 'I want to kill myself'.
His behaviour is getting worse and worse. I feel like I'm at my wits end. He ruins every weekend, and I secretly don't want him to come over - but I couldn't bear to say that to DP.

I don't know what steps we've got left? I'm feeling so anxious about the whole situation. Any advice?

Oh Redshoes, your post really hits a chord with me. I recognise so much in this. Our little one is the same age even. We have something in between, she is good in the day, but absolutely will not settle at night, a problem she never had from the age of 3 through till now suddenly, as a result of her mum's change in behaviour.

I wish I had a brilliant answer because I sit here on a few hours sleep as I sat with her till late into the night trying to talk this out.

I will tell you where I got to so far. A few days back she was acting up again so I basically called her on it, stopped her in her tracks and said, this isn't about what you are saying, why are you being naughty, why are you so SAD. It is absolutely how a kid of that age demonstrates sadness and confusion they can't cope with. I said to her you need to talk about what makes you feel sad and angry. How are you feeling at home, dug around a bit, pressed on a few issues. She opened up and admitted some things which were upsetting her. She now decided that if I sit with her last thing at night she can tell me things which are worrying her. They are heavy things and I feel really sad for her. I am hoping that if we can talk through these things that we can teach her to express these worries in a constructive non angry way. She has felt she can't talk as she will get into trouble, something her mum's attitude has made her feel. Now she is learning that she can and in fact must talk as it's making her feel bad. I hope we can get it to a point that this eases and she is able to carry on being a happy kid. Kids shouldn't have to deal with such grown up things and sad things.

I hope this helps, I hope it helps us too! It's really really hard and you have to not only get them talking, but get them to realise they won't get in trouble for things they say and you won't get angry and sad, but you have to mean it and follow up on it. If I go and tell her dad what she's said and then he tells mum and mum shouts at her, that trust will fly out of the window and she will be even worse than she started.

I think every kid needs an adult they can trust and tell things and get them off their chest. If you feel you can't be this person I'm describing here then can you find someone who could be? Perhaps his brother could help you with this. Maybe he can even help you with understanding what's causing his anger, again you would have to keep his trust on this. Good luck.

Oh and buy some clothes for your house which aren't filthy, full of holes, too big / too small, shoes which actually fit. That's what I've done. The hair thing if you find the answer tell me, because honestly imagine having to un-dreadlock waist length hair every time and then de-nit it......... You have my sympathy. I too get the rages when I insist on actual washing, 'but I washed last weeeeeeeeek'.

I do think 9 is old enough that they need to take some personal responsibility for their hygine so I hope this will mean that they will start to do it at home in spite of mum. I am going to try next visit starting a pocket money idea where she has a quid for every say, she must brush her hair and teeth every day by 11am and if she's not done so, a quid will go. I realise that's a negative way around but her personality is such that she won't bother about something she never had but gets affronted by something being taken....

It's a bit easier for my because as a girl she is interested in my makeup and hairstyles that her mum never bothers with, so as she gets older doing girly things together is exciting for her and has a lot of mystique, so I have been known to use things like, I can do this amazing style for you, but your hair has to be clean. We have some hair chalk and it's amazing as I can say, it only works on clean hair..... cue clean hair all holiday! The weekends are a pain in the bum though having to deal with the muck every time........

Sorry, but how do you know what goes on in mums house regarding food, discipline...? Not trying to aggravate but knowing kids they will tell you one thing and the complete opposite can be true.

With the clothes, keep some at yours and just wash and send back what they come in. Setting boundaries at your is good, they'll soon learn what's allowed in each house.

It sounds like the poor boy could do with some kind of counselling. His mother spouting horrible crap in his ear all the time is clearly affecting him badly.

I think what you're doing in your home, gradually, is the best you can do.
I'm sorry you have to put up with it (not the kids, but the problems they are having due to poor parenting).

I too would be really worried about the little boy who is showing signs of problems. Some children turn out fine no matter what like the other one seems to be. But others need boundaries and struggle massively emotionally when they face the reality of the world - they can't have what they want all the time. It sounds like he's at risk of developing lots of problems as he goes into his teens. Unfortunately what you describe now is similar to many retrospective accounts of parents of children who go on to use drugs, don't go to school, and even commit crimes. Say he wants to kill himself at 9 is not normal even if It's for attention or as a way to get what he wants. Have you been to his gp? If not are you able to? because I would be down there right now to see if there's any problems that could be solved or if he's just naturally rebelling (I've been quote doom and gloom so far, he might just be going through a phase In which case showering him with love and maintaining boundaries would help). If not would his mum listen if you or dp expressed concern and asked her to take him?

robotroy, you sound like you are doing a great job!

OP, this is a small thing, but would a reward chart at yours be any use with the boys?
I think they're old enough to understand about different rules, different houses, so maybe just focus on what is happening at yours. Like mumsrush and robotroy say, get some clothes which stay at your house and make the nutritious meals...you say that you have managed to get rules and basic structure in, so that's good!

Thankyou. Genuinely I am a bit exhausted and emotional this week as a result so that means a lot to me. I am usually so confident with kids as I raised my sister but this is new to me and at first I didn't know what the heck to do which worried me. She's gone straight to sleep today so I hope we're getting there.

Thanks everyone.
Mumsrush, I know about the discipline with their mum as she is openly proud of it. Tells DP how wrong it is that he would ask the boys to eat their dinner, or that he tells them to go to bed.

We've tried rewards charts but it's all irrelevant when she gets them whatever they want. They have no concept of a treat or earning a reward.

We've built up a collection of clothes here, which helps.

I'm trying to source some good kids counselling, which will also hopefully help.
I'm so overwhelmed with it all, even with no major answer - it helps that other people understand.

You ARE doing an amazing job, OP. Step motherhood is one of the hardest jobs in the world. I've been where you are with the dirty clothes/ bio mum slagging off/ combing nits out of hair every Saturday for 10 years..... All I can say is that children tend to remember who stayed consistent and offered unconditional love. 15 years later it is me my DSD calls for help and advice and when people say to me "she really trusts you" my heart swells. Hang in there, get as much help as possible and make sure you look after yourself x

I really feel for you and was in the same situation many years ago. ESS was a very angry little boy for years. Just keep on doing what you are doing, show you care and eventually they will come round.

We bought spare clothes, PJ's, toothbrushes etc and kept things at our house so all they needed to do was turn up. DH would then wash their clothes from their Mums and return them home clean.

We also started pocket money which they had to earn by doing small jobs.