My DP and I have been together for three years and lived together for two years.
He has twin boys, who are almost 9.
I'm currently pregnant with my first. I have studied early childhood education, been a nanny and worked in early childhood ed so I'm not a complete newbie.
We have the boys every weekend and they are with their mum Mon - Fri.
DP's ex has never brought clothes - not just since I've been in the picture, but ever.
Since I've been in the picture and I'm assuming ever, she has never taken the boys for a haircut, never cut their nails and they come over with nits, or week old band aids, or obvious dirt marks that have been there for some time.
There is no bed time, no chores, and has never done homework with them. DP and I try to do a week of homework on the weekend, when she 'remembers' to pack it.
She feeds them frozen lasagne or frozen pies for dinner every night and tuck shop for lunch every day - with mcdonalds in between.
If they have a normal sibling fight, she will offer to buy them an Xbox game to stop. There's no discipline, no time out and no repercussions.
When I first met DP, he admitted he was quite lenient on the boys as he didn't want to be the bad guy, but we've slowly developed rules, consequences, vegetables, hygiene, and some basic structure.
DP's ex has no hesitation in trying to force her opinions on the boys - including 'don't list to stepmum, she can't tell you want to you'
'If dad asks you to eat you vegetables, you don't have to, that's force feeding'
'Once the baby is born, they won't love you anymore'
'If dad loved you, he would buy you whatever you wanted'.
One of the boys is managing well and growing into amazing young man.
The other is getting progressively worse. He makes me dread every weekend. I'm worried he is mentally unstable, even at his age.
He is a defiant angry boy. He can't stand being told what to do, and I'm talking simple stuff like getting dressed or going to bed. He lies constantly, is in serious trouble at school every week and says stuff like 'I want to kill myself'.
His behaviour is getting worse and worse. I feel like I'm at my wits end. He ruins every weekend, and I secretly don't want him to come over - but I couldn't bear to say that to DP.
I don't know what steps we've got left? I'm feeling so anxious about the whole situation. Any advice?