Help

[hazelee]

my DH and I have 3 adult kids between us. I have a girl 23 and a boy 25. DH has a girl aged 19.My kids are great my DH gets along great with them one lives in the same town and the other 6 hrs away my kids text and phone all the time. My problem is his daughter! How do I stop her hurting him! she comes into his life hangs around for a few weeks and then he hears nothing from her for 6 months! no phone call no text no visits she lives in the same town as us! each time she does this it breaks his heart! I'm at the stage now where I really really dislike her and want to refuse any contact with her because I know I will just go off at her for being so selfish!. we haven't heard from her since February he gets a text today (1st August) telling him her phone got stolen and she lost all her contact numbers can we catch up for coffee. He has organized to see her Sunday. WTF why take this shit yes she had her phone stolen but why has it taken 6months to tell us! why couldn't you get in your car and come see us??? she has always lived with her mother, little sister and Step dad. my DH has always been made to feel that he is second best and has spoken to her and said hey I want to be in your life just text to say hi or to catch up he has always left the door open to her but she continues to treat him this way it makes me so so angry. Ive told him I'm not coming on Sunday as I will just loose it with her I cant stand watching him get his heart broken. My DH reply was I'm just looking at it in a positive way! how can I handle this

You cant change how she is unfortunately. Getting cross at her and refusing to see her will only make your husband feel worse. My partners two sons live a 3hrs drive away and have done for many years now. He see`s them once a month and rings them every sunday and txts them all the time, but he never gets a call from them not on his birthday or even fathers day (they are 19 & 16 ) it breaks his heart but that is how their mum bought them up and n o matter how hard my partner tries with them they don't change. He just has to accept they are how they are, but not be like them as in stop bothering to call and txt. You say she lives in the same town and that when her phone was stolen you didn't hear from her for 6 months didn't your husband go and see her and check all was ok? Sometimes grown up kids still don't think like adults so the adults have too.

he was doing the whole text and call thing on a regular basis to her personal mobile but his text got ignored or "she didn't receive his message" or she was at work and forgot to call back after this happening all the time he spoke to her about it and said Please just text me and say hi dad all is good or whatever she said ok face to face but it never happened so after a while he stopped doing it. He is after all a male and they don't see the point of banging their heads against a brick wall. And I don't blame him really yes he is the dad and the older one and supposed to be more mature yes she is is daughter but at 18/19 doesn't the relationship work both ways?? if you arnt getting respect from someone why should you continue to slam against a brick wall and make yourself miserable which was what it was doing to him (he has depression). what makes it harder is both my kids ring me and text me all the time or I ring them he has made comments that im so lucky to have 2 kids that want me to be a part of their lives. breaks my heart

Imo opinion as a parent of adult dCs, 19 isn't grown up, 25 is nearly grown up. There is a big difference. Then they really grow up when they have their own DCs. So fingers crossed she will change to be more considerate over time.

I wouldn't go if I was you, just say you were doing something else. Your DH doesn't really have any option as he is not going to refuse to see her I shouldn't think. And my DCs contact me more often (though not all the time, we aren't that chatty) than their DF.

I really want to support DH but at the same time I think I cant protect him forever I think Im the protector kinda personality and I hate see'ing him hurt by her time and time again and I just want to stop it before it happens again. I also know I cant sit at the table and play happy families after she has hurt him so many times and that if I went I would not say much due to the way i feel but at the same time I know he would love me by his side :( if that all makes sense......honestly why does life have to be so freaken hard!

I think if I were you I would just detach myself. You can't change her, you can't get him to stop allowing her to treat him this way, but I'd refuse to be a party to it myself. You've told your DH how you feel and that you aren't going Sunday...just kiss him good bye when he goes and be there for him when he comes back.
If nothing else, I'm sure you've better things to do for a couple of hours on a Sunday.

thanks everyone for your words of wisdom :)

brdgrl that's exactly what i plan to do. I spoke to DH last night and I said to him I have to just let go and stop trying to protect him from hurt. That he has to learn to be strong and stand up for himself if wants people to use him as a door mat then so be it (we have a similar situation with his mother walking all over him and I have had to step back there as well) so im stepping back.

He said to me he feels like he is in a crap position because if he has a go at her he may loose her its better for him to just shut up and go with what she wants. I then said that's bull dust I wonder how many parents say that exact same thing at this exact moment! Kids really are the players in our lives and they freaking know it!

Once again its daddy not wanting to upset his little girl in case she throws a tantrum and takes her shoes and handbag and walks out the door!

I've said it many times, but I am so relieved that our kids have nowhere else to go to. I would hate to be held hostage by the threats of "if you don't do what I want, I'm not coming to see you!"

I have a really good relationship with my two. When I left their Dad they were 16 and 18 and they both chose to stay in their family home with Dad. My dd took the stance of I still need a mum no matter what my ds however took a while to come around and didn't speak to me for 12months I kept up the texts just letting him know I loved him no pressure etc but eventually he did come around and we are back to our loving caring open relationship. They both accept my new DH and treat him like they would a friend etc.My two are very easy going and like all kids they have their moments (especially my daughter haha) but I can turn around to mine and say hey come on that's not right I have never feared that if I said something they didn't like they would play the Im not speaking to you card anymore! Even when my son didt talk to me I knew eventually he would come around he just had to process things in his own way and time.I'm very lucky in that way.

But my SD is a whole new story my DH has had access with her since she was a baby I think she was 12months old when they split. I have known her since she was about 8 years old and DH and I were just friends still with our previous partners but I could see when we joined social occasions etc that she had daddy wrapped around her finger as they say this girl "knows which side her bread is butter on and she plays both sides" so when its convenient we side with daddy and when its convenient we side with mummy and step daddy. Now she is 19 she plays things even better and I know she knows just how insecure her dad feels with their relationship and I think that is what gets to me the most is that she knows what she is doing but if one of her friends did this to her she would be screaming biatch cow etc! its just makes me so angry that she has this power over her dad and I cant shake the shit out of her lol

She is his daughter and I am afraid however much it pisses you off there is nothing you can or should do about it other than be there to pick up the pieces.

Brdgrl is right to recommend detaching and just letting him get on with it. You cannot change her and at 19 sheis still a child and is being self absorbed and to be hhonest a typical teenager. At that age it is very much out of sight out of mind and unlikely to be anything personal against her dad.