why do mothers/ fathers have it in for their ex's oh?

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

So my dp's ex wife has never spoken 2 words to me. They were delegated for 2 years before I came along and they have 2 children together. Dp has contact 7 nights out of 14 pays maintenance and for other stuff on top of that. I moved in at the start of the year .

I'm not sure what her problem is. I know she is making snide comments to the kids (or a strong incline that she is doing this) I'm not allowed to be involved in any events that the kids have or do. which uduallyresults in dp not going to these things either because he sees meas a big part in the kids lives and should get to enjoy some of their special moments . Don't get me wrong I don't need to go but it's nice to feel included in that way and the kids have also expressed they like when I can go.

What I don't get is why some mum's and dads don't like to see that someone is taking an interest in their kids? Surely its better that when the kids visit they feel happy and relaxed? Instead because of her resentment the kids feel bad or are not themselves? It's as if she puts her own needs before the kids and I can't understand it. Maybe some mum's/dads can shed a light? Xx

Have you asked you DP why he thinks she's like that? He's probably well placed to know what she's like. My DH's ex is pretty stand-off-ish with me, though as far as I know she's not making snide comments to the DSC. DH tells me she's just rather lacking in social skills and often comes across as rude to people without necessarily meaning to. I think she also just doesn't know what to say to me. In contrast, her DP is lovely and very friendly.

I guess some of it may be that she convinced herself when she left DH that he was awful and incapable of a relationship, so having me get together with him kind of suggests that that's not the case (it isn't, he's lovely :)) which is uncomfortable for her. Maybe it's easier to imagine that I'm stupid, or naive, or some sort of evil gold digger, than get to know me and find I'm a normal, nice person who's formed a relationship with someone she's got a lot opinion of

Got a low opinion that should say

I'm pretty sure my DP's ex doesn't like me, but it's no doubt because the kids think I don't like them! I do! But I do sometimes pick them up on bad behaviour when their Dad isn't around to do it.

In fact, I can barely say anything to them without them getting stroppy. I asked my DSS to change his socks yesterday as he had been wearing them for days. He stomped off upstairs.

I asked DSD to get dressed today and she stomped off.

So I can't win!

I stopped her from having a 'proper family' by starting to see DH after they been split up nearly a year. As a result of him moving on with me, he refused to impregnate her a second time (while she was actively blocking contact with DSD). I am evil incarnate lol.

My DP's ex usually just looks straight through me and addresses DP only when we see each other. She might say hello on rare occassions but more often than not she pretends I'm not actually there. I think she probably feels guilt and regrets her actions which led to DP leaving and breaking up their family, she didn't want him to leave so doesn't like to see him with me and be reminded of that. Her kids are nice to me though, both the kids with my DP and the ones with her current DP.

Fear of replacement is my guess. That was certainly how I felt when my exH introduced his new girlfriend after a matter of days while I was still living in the former marital home.

It's still not a pleasant feeling but she is a good stepmother and I don't want my children to feel torn so I just get on with it.

There are various labels for this phenomenon; i don't want him but no one else can have him or in extreme cases the USA refer to this as "Golden Uterus Syndrome".

For whatever reason, some women believe that they have an element of ownership over a man if she bore his first children. Even if she ended the marriage/relationship, if she's gone on to remarry and have more DCs; she believes that she, and no one else, should have call on the time and attention of the father of her first children " for their sake".

You even see it here on MN - women referring to their ex's subsequent partners as "the other woman" when the new relationship started months or years after their marriage ended. How can there be more than one woman in his life? Unless the first wife still considered herself to be 'his"?

The "other woman"" is treated with scorn, disdain and resentment. Often, a new relationship will give a NR dad the confidence to demand a more equal parenting status; particularly if there was a imbalance of power in his previous marriage and he "did as he was told for a quiet life". Not only does the exW see the "new woman" as the driver behind their ex's behaviour, in many cases, the exW's experience in a relationship is that the woman tells the man what to do. So she attributes her ex's sudden assertiveness as the "new woman" telling him what to do.

Of course,when a man behaves in this way, it's labeled abuse, and considered grounds for withholding contact with the children.

My DPs ex hates me for taking him away from her 6 years post divorce. He was no longer 'on call' and willing to be treated like crap. I haven't seen her in over a year. I prefer to keep away due to all the trouble she's caused in the past and things she said via the DC while I was pregnant. It's 4 years on and as much as I wish the situation was different for all of our sakes (surely it's not good for someone to hold onto so much bitterness?) I can't see it mellowing anytime soon.

Wakeycakey I think you've hit the nail on the head there!

while interesting you mention the passage of time - my DHs ex seems to believe that it's only a matter of months since they separsted - it's been SIX years!

Yet in court paperwork, conversations with CAFCASS, and to DH directly, she'll say it's "very recent", "only been a year", "these things take time" ( the latter referring to SS, who has lived more of his life with separated parents than a together family).

I'm not sure if that's what she really thinks, or whether it's a strategy of some kind - but it explains why she's so hung up about me in DHs life; she thinks he's having a midlife crisis with a younger woman (I'm 2 years younger) and that he'll go crawling back to her when he's seen sense. That's despite her having an affair and refusing counselling to try and save their marriage.

Very odd.

It doesn't always happen, though. I mean why would it?

I suppose it could be that they still have feelings for the dad, or they feel like they've been replaced, if their marriage failed because he didn't do something or other then she may feel resentful or jealous that he has managed to do whatever it is with the new wife.

They might be wary of the influence of an unknown quantity on their children especially if they aren't 100% trusting of the dad's judgement.

They might not want to think about dad & stepmum having a nice cosy "family" set up with the DC when it's extremely difficult to date as a LP and you're worrying that you're somehow failing them. Especially as a parent who sees their children two days a week is likely to be in a better mood and their children get the best or "nice" side of them whereas she may feel like the wicked not-step-mother. It's wearing to be a sole carer for children 24 hours a day even if you do get a break at the weekends. So she might be feeling a bit jealous that you (two) get to give them more than she can give them. Money can be an issue as well - a lone parent probably has less money available than a two-adult family who don't have children living there all the time even if they pay maintenance.

In my experience, my mum was never hostile towards my stepmother but neither was she particularly warm or friendly. She wasn't her friend, she didn't need to be, and she didn't really have an interest in being friends with her. In no other situation would you hang out with an ex's girlfriend.

I found that my ex's girlfriends were extremely rude to me despite me being perfectly polite and neutral towards them.

It's wearing to be a sole carer for children 24 hours a day even if you do get a break at the weekends.

My experience is limited, but it seems to me that many of the women who suffer from this phenomenon are equally resistant to sharing equal parenting of the DCs. often the EOW arrangement is at the demand of the LP, not the NRP, who would be willing to take a more equal share of parenting.

Just to represent the other side, DP's ex has been nothing but lovely to me. And DP gets on well with her husband too.

I know my dp's ex does not like me.

When dsd was 7 she used to like 'doing' my hair (I've gone to the shop with some dodgy styles )

Her mum, on the phone told her to 'back comb Sliced's hair to make her look like a lion, then cut it off with scissors'

I only know because this really upset dsd and she told us. She has also told her that 1yr old dd is not her sister ( I count my half brothers and sisters as full).

This week she has sent her with a camera as dsd apparently wants to make home movies....

Which dsd doesn't even know about.

Wakeycakey Haha DP's ex wrote in court papers about how upset the DCs were when they found out I was pregnant as they had been 'hopeful of a reconciliation'. Ex was the one who wanted the divorce as she had outgrown him and was ready to explore new relationships. She actually told DP he had to move on but when he did she made out that he was abandoning the DC.

I'm disappointed things are like they are. My DM and stepmum get on brilliantly, even now. My dad and stepmum went to stay with my mum and stepdad at there house last week. I think they keep I touch more with each other than with me!

The vibe I get from my husband's ex (who I've never met) is that she doesn't really like or respect him and so thinks I must be a cretin too for hanging round with him.

But seriously I think she was a bit miffed that it didn't ring true that he was a universal tosser and waste of space etc.

I think they both just massively regret the whole thing. DH hasn't shown any interest in meeting her DH either.

(Goes without saying it's not ideal for their kids, but tbh it's pretty peaceful now with neither side complaining about the other and both backing each other up when it matters).

XH's behaviour changed hugely when his now-partner came on the scene. He went from being involved (a weeknight and a weekend night a week) to dropping time, lots of late pickups/ early drop offs, being "too busy" for contact. Uses 90% of his annual leave for holidays with his partner.

He's down to two nights a fortnight, with zero contact between. I've set up mobile phone for the kids, skype, email - he doesn't use it.

He started objecting to DC2's various diagnoses and medications, due to his partner's interest in all things "natural."

She refuses to speak to me -I have no idea why, but guessing I've been painted as the horrendous ex.

My children dislike her, although I have never been negative about their relationship to them. She has a different parenting style to the one agreed upon by XH and I when we were married, and he has adopted it. The kids resent this.

They're having a baby soon. Her first, his fourth. I'm gently preparing the kids for even less contact. It's very sad, but they currently are having to be cajoled and persuaded by me to attend contact at all. I would prefer a more equal arrangment, I have practically begged him to spend more time with them to rebuild their relationship, but he is too busy.

I am gutted fpr the kids, having had practicallg no relationship with my own father I was so hoping we could do this co - parenting thing successfully.

Indians, I don't think anyone will flame you for that very honest post. Lots of stepmums have been there, too.

I'm married to a widower so I'm really just snooping on this thread :) but I think if DH and I split up and he moved on I would find it hard; I hope I would be civil and I would try to respect her as a family member and authority figure to my DD, but I think I would also need to keep a certain amount of distance. I'd never be able to be one of those well-adjusted and totally relaxed women who could for instance joke with the 'new' partner about my ex's bad habits!

My dsd is forever saying that she thinks me and her mum would be great friends...!!!

I must be a better actress than I thought and I think exes feelings are mutual as we have never even spoken and she doesn't come out for drop offs or pick ups.

I would prefer it if we could have the odd word as it's difficult as the only communication is through OH and by text so we miss a lot of what goes on with dsd and she has a knack of playing both sides off!!

Apparently the new boyfriend won't allow her to speak (he's 45) anyway if you can be reasonable that's great I wouldn't want to be friends but I think of all can be polite it's nicer for the kids. Dsd is 11 and her mum and OH weren't even together when she was born so not really sure what the whole issue is but..!!

Indians your post is incredibly refreshing! You have a great sense of emotional intelligence and I'm sure this is what will get you to a better place with all you are dealing with. Good luck to you.

Haha loving this thread!!

Dp's ex is a bloody nightmare to me because I don't cowtow to her every whim. She cheated on dp amd kicked him out and because we met and he stopped pining and trying to win her back grew a pair and stood up to the bitch she is jealous!

I have tries very hard to get on with her as I genuinely believe that the 4 adults getting on is far better for themhowever if you have read my threads about her blatant nneglect of dsc's then you will see that try as I might the woman is unhinged and a complete cow!

She also lies to the kids about why contact hasn't happened with their dad or why holiday plans changed at the last minute and I refuse to lie for her so always tell the kids the truth. I never speak ill of her when they are here but if she has refused to allow something ie forcing us to pull dss out of scouts then I tell him straight when he asks that his Dm doesn't want him going anymore, and if he wants to discuss it further he needs to talk to her. I can only assume she hates that because she likes to make me out to be the bad guy and blames everything on my having had dd

Im just glad I'm not the only with problems!!

By no means do I want to befriend the ex but it would be better for the kids if she were civil and just let us get on with our lives.

It broke my heart when we were at a play recently and dsd boomeranged between us and her mum.

I'm not going to flaunt my relationship in her face but at the same time it's her own fault my dp left her.

I'm certainly not going to go out my way to be liked by her. But she should keep any negative thoughts to herself instead of voicing them to the kids.

Life would be a dream if we all got on. It would certainly make her stupidity more bearable!!