Survival tips for step-parents

[brdgrl]

That's it, really - what are yours?
What things - concrete, actual things one can do and control - which make it possible to get through the tough parts?
Without being a Thread About A Thread, which I don't intend it to be, this is inspired by another thread and the fact that sometimes posters just need real practical kind of advice. So, what works?

I try to remember that, even 10 years in, my opinion is just that.

It's bloody hard though

Encourage your partner to take responsibility. Support them to do so if they don't know how and then step back.

Make sure you have time to yourself and time as a couple with your partner as well as time with the children.

One from me.
Have some financial independence. A 'stash' if you will. A fund which you can tap for your own needs, and a resource that means you do not have to be held hostage by practicalities or have everything you own tied up in the blended family.

In the worst case, this is your 'getaway' fund.
In more moderate cases, this is your means to take off on a holiday or a shopping trip or simply drinks with a friend, without being answerable to the "family pot". (the pot which is all too often depleted by expenses you have no say in.)

If humanly possible, have a space of your own in your home, that is off limits to DSC. If there isn't room for you to have an entire space set aside, then have a time (the front room is yours to sit and read from 10-11 pm, or whatever). Insist on it.

Remember that your DP, and his exW, are doing the best they can - even if you disagree with it, and can see the damage it is doing to the children. They aren't deliberately going out of their way to screw their children up.

Remind yourself, your DP and the DSC that your DP and his ex once loved each other very much (I know there are a few occasions when this Isn't the case, but for the most part, making babies involved positive feelings for each other).
I find that this diffuses situations - the ex is not a mutual enemy to be vanquished.

Make allowances for each other. It's a situation that all parties may find difficult.

See the higher picture and consider what is behind others' behaviours.

Own your own emotions, don't project them onto others.

Accept that the ex may well have a very different parenting style.

Accept that you won't be like a together family, and there will be times when someone has to give a little, or maybe a lot.

Do fun things together, build the memories.

this is all good advice, but what I mean is - what are the actual things that can happen to make it work.
Not about what we think in our heads, but what we (and our families) do.
For example - making time for the couple relationship. We all accept (well, I think most of us stepmums do anyway, there are always going to be those saying "the couple relationship needs to come second to the poor children", see stepmum bingo!) that this is true and a good idea - but what can we set up in our lives to make sure it happens?
Practically.
A set 'date night'?
An agreement that once every two weeks, the children will be 'banished' to rooms on a Friday night so that parents who can't get a sitter can eat a meal together and watch a film?
A ban on texts during evenings together?
I think it is all too easy to say how we should feel or think, but what some stepmums need is more concrete.

One thing I have never tried with my DH but have considered, for example, is to set aside a time to discuss problems with the kids. So that instead of griping about things as they come up, we hold our tongues until the time when we sit down and talk it over in a rational way.

Asserting myself directly with the DSC is something I've had to learn to do with the older two DSC, rather than always asking DH to address whatever the problem is.

Taking time out with my friends, which thankfully DH is fine about

Accepting that we're a "sometimes blended" family, but other times I'm in the role of stepmum without my own DC around, and other times we are each still single parents with our own DC. And finding things to enjoy in whichever situation it is right now.

Having time out together - out for a meal or an walk in the evening means a chance to talk properly.

Consciously looking out for opportunities to show support for the DSC's mum in the hope that this will cancel out the odd occasion when I fail to bite my tongue and criticise her

I've found that if you get the head stuff sorted, how you react and approach things improve, and it's much easier all round.

Date nights are great, but you can have all the date nights you want, if there's underlying resentment or jealousy or anger, there will still be problems.

I agree that having time to talk things through, and properly listen see things from each others' point if view is essential.

Having house rules which both adults agree for everyone in the house.

Encourage your DP to take his/her kids out on their own for the day, or you take yours out. Everyone needs a break sometimes, and there's nothing wrong with enjoying the company of our own children x

Remember to praise your DSC's good points and also to comment on them to your DP, so that if there is a behavioural issue or something negative you want to address they are more ready to listen rather than knee-jerk thinking you're just out to criticise. When I think there is something that needs addressing with DSS now, DP takes me much more seriously because I realised I needed to make it clearer generally how much I do like DSS and appreciate all his good behaviour

Evening cinema trips for dad and DSC -- house to yourself and good for them (without too much pressure)!

Being outspoken about curbing junk food consumption (I find my v healthy DH turns into junk food guilt monster when DSC are around, and it ends up making them all feel sick).

Take photos of DSC at fun times, print a few out and have on fridge/wall/corkboard. It makes them seem more normal / integrated.

I have two children of my own and two stepchildren who we have every weekend and in the week. We see ourselves when we are together as a family as a whole. My partner tells my kids off if they do wrong and I tell his off if they do wrong. We treat them all the same. works well. We also don't take sides with the kids, if mine has been mean to his stepsister he gets told off and vice versa there are no favourites.
They all have their set bedtimes, youngest first etc and oldest (11) is in bed by half 8. That gives me and my partner quality time together.
The biggest thing in making blended families work is you and your partner working together and standing by each others decisions.

We also have photo albums with pictures of all the kids and us doing stuff as a family.
I also think its important for the dad to do things with just his children occasionally, stops any jealousy from them over their dad doing things with the stepchildren.
One rule we do have is that I put my kids to bed and my partner puts his to bed.

Sunnysarah, loved your post. May I ask how it came to pass that there are no favourites?
I have ds living with us, visits his dad eow, dss here 50:50, and dsd "visiting" as she's now 17.
Up to now I've teeth grindingly accepted the over the top praise of dsd for "being in charge" when the kids were together and on their own for some reason (like dh and I going shopping/ out for dinner etc), as my ds is only a year younger and dss 3 yrs younger than sis. I said to myself she is the oldest and therefore probably entitled to a bit of a show...
However, on holiday with ds, dss and a friend, dh blatantly undermined ds with e.g. giving spending money to dss secretly when I was handing out money "for all" to either ds or each in turn. There were other things too, but sometimes too vague to pinpoint, as in not giving ds the remotest respect for being the oldest in their group. When I asked dh about his behaviour he said I was blatantly favoring ds, and I said that I was respecting his role of being the eldest, just as he does with dsd. Which was it now, praise only for his kids? No role or respect for mine at all? He did concede some points and tried to be nicer to ds, not in front of dss though...
Was your dh always fair and up front? Or did you have to cudgel him into it? Xx

Have a space where you can go to when things get tough- mine was the garden and I would plant things and garden like mad.

Rememember not to takes things personally- they are not always personal although it might feel like it (particularly important with teenagers)

Make traditions together. eg Christmas we always had stockings/activities to do together like making mince pies/going to a panto etc. I still make make stockings for my 21 and 24 year old stepsons!

Pick your battles carefully- ask before reacting "is it worth it"?

Draw up family rules using everyones ideas so all children feel valued- get everyone to sign them

I have found the BSWC a massive support full of helpful ideas.

If things get really bad go to marriage counselling with someone who has experience of step families.

Questionabletactics: It just seemed to work out that way, when our blended family first came together we knew it would be hard, my dd had to share her room with youngest dsd to the point that bunk beds were put in her room. Fortunatly dd was fine with this, my ds shares his toys and things quite happily with the two dsd. But myself and my partner knew it was important for all the children to feel safe happy loved and everything was fair. My partners dad has a dsd and he wasn't allowed to tell her off, she is now a adult and has no respect for him at all.
Its not about, so and so is not my real dad/mum its about us being the adults and children need to be bought up to respect an adult no matter who they are.
I feel myself and my partner have been lucky that our blended family get on so well, but we never take it for granted and work hard at it so everyone kids and adults are happy.

My tips would be; don't let yourself get swallowed up by the step family. Make time for yourself, couple time and time for any bio children you have without the dsc.

Do try and keep some financial independence so you can do some of the above.

Parenting can often be a thankless task. Step parenting much more so. Be the best step parent you can be but keep step parenting in a box, don't let it take over your life.

Try and have house rules that apply to all the children irrelevant of what they do at their others parents house or how long they stay with you.