Opinions please

[happyismoho]

I'll try and keep this brief...My 11 year old son and I recently moved into a place with my girlfriend and her 3 children. I share custody with my son's Mum. My girlfriends children are 8, 7 and 2. The eldest 2 still have their father in their lives but the youngest's father flits in and out and there is tension between him and my girlfriend because he was physically abusive.

Cut a long story short I am becoming increasingly irritated by her children, they are on the whole pretty good kids and she is a supportive Mum and listens to my input on the house rules as they were a little slack, bed times for example were utter chaos. I tend not to discipline them, but I will have words if they're blatantly doing something they shouldn't or do something stupid where some guidance is required. The 2 year old is a character but she has a lot of her father in her I think and is aggressive and to be fair a typical terrible 2.

I find myself having to remove myself from the house or go to a spare room because I simply cannot bear to be around them and I'm starting to get concerned that I will blow my top at some point. I've talked to my girlfriend about it and she has been very understanding but she's clearly worried that I'm going to leave because of them and to be honest I'm not sure if I can cope with them, it's such a relief when they go to bed, as they're always around and the 2 year old is very needy. I appreciate that this is family life, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm cut out for it? I love my girlfriend but is that enough?

Thanks in advance

My dcs if much younger so I can't comment on whether it's normal but I'd expects the dcs are very unsettled with the changes to their environment. So it's understandable there's a transition. Could it just be this?

How long have you been together?
You must have known they stayed up late and had different rules than you would like from visits?

You either agree some house rules with your gf or you move out.

It is a big deal to move in to that environment, especially with 3 children who are not yours. You don't say what specifically is making you irritated? Are there specific things, or is it just the chaos and noise of a bigger family? When dh and I met, we had a holiday with the 2 of us and dsd, and there were times I had to go out for a walk and clear my head - I think needing space is normal.

These things do take time to settle down, and the dc will push boundaries whilst they're adjusting. If you love your dp then it is worth persisting and trying to make it work.

It's concerning that you think a two year old might be channeling her violent father, though of course it may be that the two year old saw some terrible things and is suffering as a result?

We have been together for 8 months and I moved in last month.

I didn't mention anything specific because there isn't anything specific. Like I said the kids are on the whole good kids, I'm simply having a hard time coping with the chaos a family of this size brings. I'm not by nature a patient guy and having kids around me all the time is testing to say the least. I have tried to embrace the family life, we always do things as a family, going places etc but I still cannot wait for their bed time each night and I'm having a hard time suppressing this feeling so my GF doesn't know, she's not stupid and can sense I'm uneasy.

I guess I'm looking for people with a similar experience for their take on things, does it improve? or does feeling like this after only 1 month of living together mean I'm ice skating up hill?

Well if your dp is happy with the way she parents and not open to change then things won't get better.

Have they been on school holidays the whole month?

Hi Happy do not know if the helps but I have lived with DP and DSS for about 6 months now. DSS is 5 and frequently drives me mad we have a fairly unusual arrangement where we have him the majority of the time. It has been difficult and for the first month I relatively frequently took myself for a walk for my own sanity. What helped is that the approach we have taken is that if I am going to be a main part of his life for the next 13 years plus then my opinions/beliefs count and when he is at our house he is as answerable to me as he is to DP.
Generally he is a lovely kid he still annoys me at times but then I think every kid irritates everyone at some point especially at that age.

DP does still get frequently annoyed by my six year old after 18 months living together. I get really annoyed by her too but I think it's totally a different sort of annoyance when they are your own. He struggles because my approach to parenting has been different to his. I'm trying to change where possible to smooth things over but there's a limit to how much I can do that.

Not sure if that helps. I think DP will be able to stick it out but I know he looks forward to the times she is at my exP's ??

Some of what you're feeling is part of having a big family. I have four DCs and some days I can't wait till they're in bed so I can have some relative peace. It must be a shock going from one child to four children overnight.

If you're going to live with the children then you should have some say in parenting them or its unlikely to work. In not saying that your should take on a 'dad' role but you should be able to reward and discipline them when needed. If you take a hands off stance then its going to be very hard.

My DSD is with us at the weekend and when she's in our house then she had to listen to me as she would DH.

Everyone will need some time to settle into the new arrangement which will be harder as its the summer holidays.

2 year olds are really hard work. I was always counting down the hours til mine was in bed when she was that age. Quite normal even with your own DCs.

And going from a family of 2 to one of 6 is a huge change -I went from single mum of 2 to a part-time family of 6 and it's a real shock - and DH's are only here at weekends so I get breaks. I think I'd struggle a lot without the breaks.

I do think it's completely OK to have time out to yourself, or one to one time with your DS - it's a big change for him too. I don't think a large blended family has to do things all together all the time. We do things in various configurations, including me with my DCs, and DH with his. I also go out with friends sometimes at weekends when I don't have my own DCs leaving DP alone with his. He's fine about that. And I think we all need that space sometimes. Is your GF OK about you having time away from her and her kids? If so, then take it, go out for a regular walk, or to the pub, or just shut yourself in your room and watch TV, whatever you need to do to get some peace. Or maybe do a few things with her older kids sometimes, and leave her to the 2 year old if that's the child you find hardest. I just remember my DD being awful at that age - very, very possessive over me, wouldn't let anyone else near me, throwing tantrums, destroying things, running away and getting lost... it's a really hard work age. They do get better.

Thanks to everyone for posting their experiences and thoughts, it's really helped put things in perspective.

As I said I love my GF and she is a good Mum, and we're largely on the same page when it comes to parenting which helps things a lot. I am a person that requires my own space so going into a large family like I have has made this difficult.

I don't want to throw in the towel as my relationship with my GF is great and I think the message I get from what you guys have kindly put forward is it's tough, there really is no path of least resistance, so I'll make a conscious effort to have time out to be by myself and also time with my son by ourselves as we both need this and my GF encourages this also and hopefully I will learn to chill out.

Thanks again for all your comments and advise.

Si

I'm surprised that everyone is so positive. I think you've answered your question by knowing yourself well and saying you are 'not by nature a patient guy'. Do you think you can learn to be patient? I doubt this very much. Particularly in your situation where you are living with 3 children that aren't yours. You are feeling like this after only a month. Every ounce of your patience will be tested and you will spend a lot if time needing to be by yourself to cope. Ask yourself if that is the type of relationship you want? Blended families are the hardest thing you'll ever do and you only have to read the threads on here to know the success stories are the exception, not the rule. I'm not trying to be harsh, but run now! BTW your gf probably finds your DS annoying too.

Don't be too hard on yourself. It is the summer holidays, they're around more, normal routines go out the window! I am a full time mum to my brood and even I can't wait for them to go to bed some Days and they're mine!!