What to do about DSDs room..?

[Elizabeth120914]

As previously posted dsd has gone from every weekend all weekend to every other Sunday- her choice. She's bored here and basically doesn't want to come.

She has the big bedroom in the house while our baby is having the box room. She hasn't stayed over in two months or even gone in the room.

The room is full of toys and junk - not age appropriate and none of it has ever been played with even when she did come she just watches the tv.

I really need some of the room for storage. I'm happy for her to keep the room but it's 15ft by 15 and the babies room is 6ft by 8 and I really need to re-arrange.

OH says just chuck the stuff out that's not being used he's sick of the mess as she doesn't want to come anymore and it's all un used when she does. MIL has a room there too which she also wants to clear out.

I've said I'm not throwing any of it out as I'm a) not getting the blame and b) don't think it's right to go through it and choose what goes. He's now wanting to do it himself..

Question is what do u think? I don't want her to feel she doesn't have a room but it's the biggest in the house and it's not ideal to be left as is if it's not being used anymore.

On the day she comes I make a point of organising going out somewhere but she always wants to go home as soon as the activity is complete she doesn't even want to watch tv with us or stay for tea unless it's a meal out so it's a bit awkward with OH as he's fairly upset about it...

I also don't want to bring her straight here next Sunday and get her to clear the room out for the few hours she's here.

Just wonder how to approach it what do u do once they turn teenager and don't really want to come?

This child has been given WAY too much power.

Clear the blooming room. Put as much stuff as will fit in the box room for DSD. The rest bag up and leave at the mothers. Seriously.

A friend of ours did exactly the same when his daughter played similar games. The sight of her stuff bagged up actually brought the child round.

Listen my DSD is 11. Get this, she shares a room with her little sister. Difference is if she played up, we wouldn't take any shit. She knows it no doubt. She also loves and respects us.
Do you ever get hugs and kisses from your DSD?
I do

You have bubba, concentrate on her.

Your DSD may or may not come around, it's really out of your hands.

Leave the door open for her course but never chase and plead.

Take the lead and get control of your life back.

Finally be let DSD's father be seen to be in the driving seat over this.

Oh and keep away from that bloody meddling MIL!!

I love it medling MIL if only I dared send her this thread!! You would probably hear the explosion from a thousand miles away she's so in the right she won't take anyone's else's opinion on board cos it's "her grandchild" lol

I would bag all her stuff up, and put it in the loft, then swap rooms over. I'd make the smaller room nice for her - as a pp suggested, with a desk and maybe TV, but I wouldn't probably even ask for her input....I'd just do it.
From what you've said, it could be months before she even notices!

Good plan il keep monster in law downstairs .. I admit it I'm a wimp!

I bet you'll feel better once you've done it OP!

What you do in your home has nothing to do with MIL. She doesn't need to be informed.

I'd suggest a clear out with 11yo and on one of her Sundays have a yard sale with anything you want rid of too. Let her take charge of pricing her things and do something nice with the money.

I'd imagine her nose is out of joint with the new arrival but Babies need space, you definitely need to switch rooms. TBH I wouldn't have let her choose, kids will always choose the biggest. DP's DD has the biggest room in our house and stays only once a week!!

Sorry Elizibeth I did my last post in a rush which is always an error because I immediately this morning thought god I hope that doesn't read like a criticism, it's most definitely not meant to be. I agree with you completely that it is a complete failing on her mum's part to support her and in fact insist that she come and visit her dad. That's what I meant by I don't think kids of that age should have so much choice. There have been many times SD's mum has tried this but luckily we have a court order to back things up and so we just refuse. If it's not an immediate family death or marriage we pretty much universally say no now (actually we just allowed a holiday of a lifetime thing but even that still means she will miss her once a year visit to her great grandma so it's not the best).

I agree with you you have bob hope and no hope in this situation. The awful thing is I am sure that the child will really regret the lack of contact in later life, and I just don't know what more you can do. Her mum is just ruining her really, the moment you give a kid of that age any kind of concept they are in control you are proper **ed, they're just not programmed to deal with those kind of big decisions. Just keep being consistent and kind, I genuinely think kids see through their mums when they do these kind of crap tricks. 10 kids though jesus wept. Not a lot you can say is there!

'Agree that the big trips and clothes have to stop, too. And then perhaps a chat with DSD to explain why/how you want to spend time with her as a family and how you want to include her but that real life is about spending normal time together, not a constant stream of treats?

If she has nine siblings at her mum's and the emphasis is on 'what you can get' then it may take a while to show her there are other ways to feel special but perhaps worth a try?'

I agree with this. At 11 she's still susceptible to the old classic we use on the rare tantrum, ' ok, you continue to do that if you would like, we are going off over here to have fun and you can miss it, or come here with us. We would prefer it if you're here because we love you but it's you're choice you're a big girl now'. Then be seen to have a LOT of fun. I do think you need to find her hangout Achilles heel though, she must have one. There's no way a mum of 10 has time to do things like baking or craft, you just have to break her and find out what activity she will keep coming back for. Maybe she's literally never even had time to think about it in that crowd of kids.

I MASSIVELY disagree with the suggestion about withholding any money, please don't consider that. Kids of any type are a pain in the ass but sorry if you play you have to pay. Her dad owes money to raise his child if he see's her or not. (lol@ pay per view). Always though, but always pay by standing order to have proof that you did. Safest for everyone.

Keep setting a good example, and I hope she will see your happy child grow and want to be a bit more of a part of that. Don't loose hope you sound like you're trying so hard in the face of a lot of resistance.

And tell your MIL to off out of your family business.

There's been loads of good tips on here really apreciate everyone taking time to write!

It was me as much as anyone keeping it going her dad is more detached and is of the op

There's been loads of good tips on here really apreciate everyone taking time to write!

It was me as much as anyone keeping it going her dad is more detached and is of the opinion if she doesn't want to come its her choice and she knows she can when she wants too. I think I've listened to MIL too much she's been bending my ear for years about feeling bad about dsd and I don't want to be percieved as the party who ends any of it / empties the room etc..

This behaviour has been going on for the last 3 years really she was a nice kid till she was about 7 then it's slowly got more and more of what she can get which is sad. She tells awful lies about what she has/ we have to friends or anyone who comes over and no matter how much you explain about lying, pull her up on it it makes no difference. We have had endless discussions about money, getting a good education to have nice things importance of family time but nothing seems to sink in.

She likes MTV and Facebook (large bone of contention in our house) clothes and she likes cooking. I always cook with her but she refuses to clean up or help she's only into the eating same with the horse she refuses to do any work just wants to ride so OH said no jobs no treats..

Think it's time to let it go just hope we don't get a load more agro from MIL she's like the blinking god father. I just wanted her to be a 'nice' kid whatever that is and to try and not get her covered in tatoos and piercings before she's 15 which is all she ever talks about. School is of no interest now really either it's just sad she was a bright little kid but without the mothers help we are wasting our time as many others have said maybe she will come round to it all when she's older....?

Trouble is OP - that you have basically been rewarding the bad behaviour. Which puts you on a hiding to nothing. And you are pushing against the mother's influence.

Give her a calm option, with healthy food and love and a small but cosy room of her own. Bat away any comments with 'we are trying a different approach as the other one wasn't working, please butt out thanks'.

When my DD was born, we had some blazing rows about how unfair it was to DD that her brother was treated like royalty eow in case he stopped coming.

Slowly the Disney dad behaviour has started to disappear. Personally I wouldn't want my child who lived all of the time with DH and me to be made to feel second best. The way I reasoned it to DH is that DSS gets 2 of everything and DD (and DS too) only get one room, and one set of clothes/things. This is the line we take with DSS as well. To be fair though, his mum can't wait to ship him over here so there never is an issue about him not wanting to come.

Same with days out and fun stuff, no way are my two waiting eow to do something fun in case DSS can't make it. DSS is more than likely having fun with his mum and other siblings.

I think you owe it to both children to treat them fairly otherwise you're going to have one spoilt and entitled child, and one child who is resentful of their elder sibling.

I totally agree! I have tried to be fair for example I made dsd a big birthday cake and picnic because I would do for baby we tried with the swimming lessons again because I will be paying for those but she couldn't be bothered! We tried to have a birthday party the last two years but her mum hasn't given out the invitations so we have to round up friends kids to make up the numbers ...

Starting Sunday is the new regime so let's see if she refuses to come or not!! The more I think about it the more I'm cross about the hoops we have been jumping through OH is clearing out her room with her too maybe she might want it if it looks like going who knows...!

Agree completely with the posters above about her behaving very badly, and being rewarded for it.

But if this is the first weekend when she's not come overnight, and is instead just coming for the Sunday, you might want to go a bit easy on things, and not rush into a bedroom swap just yet. Children do have strops, mess around and change their minds about things.

You don't have an urgent need to sort the bedroom issue out this weekend, so why not give it a few weeks to see if the relationship and the expectation of what happens on a access weekend can be sorted out a bit first? I just think you might be throwing fuel on the fire to try and move her out her room in the midst of a fairly major issue about whether she comes or not. From her point of view, she's said she doesn't want to do overnights and as a result she has her stuff thrown out and is evicted from her bedroom. It could just make a difficult situation worse.

Once everything else is a bit more settled might be a better time for moving her out of her bedroom - whether or not she's using it overnight on a regular basis.

I thought that but she's not slept in the room for two months so it's not a new thing.

Think we will play it by ear and see what happens on Sunday I think the lack of entertainment plan may be more than enough fireworks for one day without a row about the room too. Maybe we could have a clear out of some clothes and start with that..

Oh it's not for two months is it? I'd misunderstood as you'd said it was the first time she'd come for just a Sunday.

All the same a sort out of stuff is probably a gentler way to start. That can be the weekend's entertainment can't it? [Grin]

Ha ha no it's the first eow Sunday that she's supposed to be coming without entertainment being promised.. She will have to make it here first ....!!

I have a WWYD situation involving bedrooms too-I have DSD 15 who stays Fr to Sun EW My 3 Dc have al left home, and when DS left in jan this year, we decorated his old room for DSd to move into, bigger room,lots of storage and DP bought her a double bed etc, as she was in the box room on an old bed.
Forward 6 mhts later my Ds wants to move back in, so I have told him he can but he will have to have the box room, as his old room is now pink/purple , butterrfies etc-
Dp paid for all the room to be done,and we both painted it etc, DSd loves and spends most of her wekends in the room , with huge new telly Dp bought her too- I just feel a bit guilty for my Ds who is in a box room, with very little space, paying 'board' to me, while the big room is empty mon to thurs!
In DSd defence she keeps it spotless, its clean and smells fresh & when DS had it it was stinky and messy and Im in no doubt he will keep the box room in the same state-
I dont really want to make things easy for DS ,hoping he wil change his mind and maybe move back out again ha ha, but I cant help but feel guilty!

I don't think you need to feel guilty in that situation nodge Your DS is an adult who you've no obligation to house, though nice to do so of course. He's paying board because he's an adult and presumably earning money, whereas your DSD is still a child.

With any luck he'll only be back temporarily anyway. But if he does bounce in and out a bit over the next few years you can't go shunting DSD around every time. There are other ways to make him feel welcome (if he is....!) without giving him the biggest room.