What to do about DSDs room..?

[Elizabeth120914]

As previously posted dsd has gone from every weekend all weekend to every other Sunday- her choice. She's bored here and basically doesn't want to come.

She has the big bedroom in the house while our baby is having the box room. She hasn't stayed over in two months or even gone in the room.

The room is full of toys and junk - not age appropriate and none of it has ever been played with even when she did come she just watches the tv.

I really need some of the room for storage. I'm happy for her to keep the room but it's 15ft by 15 and the babies room is 6ft by 8 and I really need to re-arrange.

OH says just chuck the stuff out that's not being used he's sick of the mess as she doesn't want to come anymore and it's all un used when she does. MIL has a room there too which she also wants to clear out.

I've said I'm not throwing any of it out as I'm a) not getting the blame and b) don't think it's right to go through it and choose what goes. He's now wanting to do it himself..

Question is what do u think? I don't want her to feel she doesn't have a room but it's the biggest in the house and it's not ideal to be left as is if it's not being used anymore.

On the day she comes I make a point of organising going out somewhere but she always wants to go home as soon as the activity is complete she doesn't even want to watch tv with us or stay for tea unless it's a meal out so it's a bit awkward with OH as he's fairly upset about it...

I also don't want to bring her straight here next Sunday and get her to clear the room out for the few hours she's here.

Just wonder how to approach it what do u do once they turn teenager and don't really want to come?

Ah, 11!

Right, weapon of choice, bed time, computer time and permision to stay at home or go to the shop on her own.

Relax any of the above slightly more than you are happy with and it will work wonders.

Do not spend money, it will not be apreciated.
At 13, DD2 really does appreciate the odd super dry, jack willis item and her choice of school bag at 11 she didn't quite get it.

We swapped all the rooms around and DSSs live here 50/50. I was fed up of the mess in their rooms. fed up of them doing sod all around the house. Gave them warnings, then DH went in, bagged it all up, put it in the loft, moved them into the smaller rooms and gave DD the double. Why should she have a box room while her brothers have two big rooms and do nothing to contribute. They are 18 & 20 though. I would do it but let her know.

We were slightly worried about them not coming anymore, and there have been points during the yesrs where they have used this threat to try and get what they want, but giving in can be the worst thing to do.

The whole situation is a nightmare! She won't stay here overnight anymore as we are both at work Monday at 6am normally and her mother doesn't get up till 10 it's impossible to take her back so with her coming on a Sunday morning there's a very low chance of the room being used again tbh!

MIL doesn't see one thing we ever do for dsd she pities her because he mother has very low expectations for her in life, doesn't work, lives in not such a nice area. Dsd however is oblivious to all of this it's normal to her, it's like MIL wants to save her by buying her things ..

She doesn't even sleep there?! Does she actually use the room at all??

Start running your own lives not letting your MIL rule the roost! Bloody hell.

Start sorting it out tonight - strike whilst the iron is hot. Get new storage in this week. Just bloody do it.

Ask her, at least nominally ;)

She either...

Lets you muck out the larger room, and have storage in there. This means you will need free access to go in, go through stuff, move stuff, decorate as you'd like etc. Baby will play in there, be changed in there...

or

She moves into the small room, but it will be "her" room. She can choose what to keep in there, and you will only go in to clean, or if visitors are staying. you will try as best you can not to touch any stuff she might leave in there.

I could have written your post 8 years ago. With the benefit of hindsight - swap the bedrooms, get OH to offer to help DSD have a clear out now she's growing up and STOP letting her run the show. It is unacceptable to behave in that way and your OH needs to set boundaries. Good luck

Ugh sounds like such a spoilt little girl and your MIL too ... Sympathies OP.

Start clearing the room with her next time she comes. Slowly does it so it doesn't seem as harsh. She either takes stuff home with her or it gets sold and she has the money, or it goes to charity.

By the time the room is semi clear it'll be obvious that a smaller room is more appropriate for her. And by that time it might be nice to redecorate it with your baby in mind!

I've been made to feel so guilty by MIL some perspective is great thanks guys..

Last weekend BIL told OH how dsd was cuddling him and how she doesn't speak because she is shy (he sees her once a year) i seeing OHs face (his birthday meal) for once spoke up and said do u realise how hurtful it is that she's like she is with OH which has set MIL off. OH could do more, I could do less but because OH always makes out he's ok with it MIL runs rough shod over everything .

It's hard sometimes as we are programmed to feel bad about all things concerning dsd that she does get away with an awful lot..

I'd swap the rooms around. Let your DC have the bigger room, and DSD havd the smaller. Seems silly having the big room go to waste like that.

Micah has good options I would say.

But I am surpsied by her age I thought you meant a 14 year old or something. 11 is way too young to be given the decision IMO of if she comes or not. An 11year old given the choice of dad or cake will pick cake, but not appreciate the implications of how not spending time with dad will effect her in years to come. We get manipulations happening from mum (SD is 9) where mum will highlight all the supposedly amazing things she's missing at mums, and given the choice sometimes she would try to pick that, but then she has an amazing happy time with us.

I'm sorry I don't feel an 11 year old should be given such choice! I don't remember at 11 getting to pick if I went on a family holiday or spent the day with my dad, did you? Look that's just my approach, I am old fashioned and hardcore. To me it feels like this child needs more rules more love. An 11 year old needs their dad, even, and especially when they think they don't. Stop blowing cash on her and see what she really enjoys doing you can do together.

Yes we are that stupid?!!!

The child's mother won't make her come, she's 11 a court wouldn't either. We have to pander to her or she won't come at all. I don't blow money at her needlessly this child has had hours of cake making, walking, picnics I've taught her to ride on my horse and paid for swimming lessons etc that her ignorant mother doesn't get her ready for so we arrive to collect and are told dsd doesn't feel like it this week - after an hours round trip they will not collect or drop off! Money lost- yes she can't even swim at 11.

I was trying not to pull the kid down but she's pretty bloody impossible as the mother has no control so we look like the bad guys as I'm sorry but bed time at midnight, dressing in a boob tube and skirt that barely covers a bottom cheek and a full face of make up isn't coming out in public with her dad at 11. He tells her this she doesn't come..

The day we have her we've gone on picnics, bmx parks, baking, seaside all she wants is expensive trips to Alton towers or endless clothes shopping. She has a wardrobe of clothes here but never wear any as she doesn't come! Not everyone is lazy, doesn't care or doesn't try the situation is pretty impossible.

We have kept the room so she feels she can come although it's been made endlessly clear she doesn't want too I was really wanting others advice on what they thought was right and the consensus is the same so we will keep going with what we are doing.

Do I agree with buying this child's time -no but if we didn't pander to an extent she would only see MIL which would ruin OHs relationship with them, causes trouble here and our own child then gets penalised.

I don't blame dsd I blame her bloody useless mother but we can't do a thing. Last time the foot went down she refused all contact and to even lift the phone for 5 weeks. I try to avoid ripping her to pieces normally but this woman doesn't work, is a fairly useless parent of ten between her and her unemployed OH and thinks we because we work hard are a cash machine and always says to dsd when she is dropped off 'what did U get this time' as do her siblings -I've heard them!

Excuse the rant but it's so bloody frustrating with no end in sight. More to the point a young child is soon to be witnessing this too great example..!

You asked about a room and most people have said to clear it and use it and give her the smaller room.

It seems that the things you mention would happen if you didn't pander to her are happening anyway. If this approach isn't working, then perhaps try a new one?

She's behaving like a brat anyway.

I would simply tell her that she's now having the smaller room but ask her to help you move her stuff. If she refuses to help, the out all her stuff in the box room, don't throw it away.

I did above was a response to saying we should make her come I'm saying we can't..

Different topic but would anyone actually just say I'm doing nothing out of our ordinary routine it's up to you if you come or not?

Different topic but would anyone actually just say I'm doing nothing out of our ordinary routine it's up to you if you come or not?

Yup - my DH did, and his DS (also 11) refused to come. when DH enforced the court order that was in place, SS came up with all sorts of 'reasons' why he didn't want to see his Dad which resulted in SocServ investigations etc.

Eventually, the court ordered significantly reduced contact, no overnights, and SS gets a jolly out with DH twice a month.

He's not stepped foot in our home for over 7 months, refuses to acknowledge me or DD (despite previously being a member of the family, holidaying with us etc) and yet he still has a dedicated bedroom here - and it annoys the hell out of me.

wakeycakey45 this is what I think will happen here OH says so be it now he's had enough just hope he's actually going to be ok if she refuses point blank as I'm pretty sure the same thing will happen as with you.. The joys...

As an earlier poster said, 11 is too young to decide on contact so her mum needs to step up. This may be a blunt instrument but presumably her Dad is paying the Ex maintenance for your DSD? If the Ex is as materialistic as you say then perhaps a suggestion that no contact = no maintenance might focus the Ex's mind?

Agree that the big trips and clothes have to stop, too. And then perhaps a chat with DSD to explain why/how you want to spend time with her as a family and how you want to include her but that real life is about spending normal time together, not a constant stream of treats?

If she has nine siblings at her mum's and the emphasis is on 'what you can get' then it may take a while to show her there are other ways to feel special but perhaps worth a try?

Different topic but would anyone actually just say I'm doing nothing out of our ordinary routine it's up to you if you come or not? Yes I would.

Your dsd is behaving like spoilt brat and it needs to stop. Everyone needs to doing/giving into her demands.

Why spend £££ on a 11 yr old who doesn't even have basic manners. I would change rooms around, I would stop spending/going places just because dsd will come if you do. And as for MIL wants to continue trying to buy dsd then let her, but make it clear that you can not and will not continue.

You have my sympathies.

When I moved in with dh, dsd had the biggest bedroom.
When we bought 'our house' she had to have a huge room and it was my ds who ended up in the dining room while we did the attic conversion.

After barely seeing her for weeks, yet again (even though she supposedly lives with us) I'd had enough and swapped the rooms.

Dh was not amused. Neither was dsd but she understood my reasoning better than dh did.

It was the best thing I did.
She then got relegated to the box room and Ds2 has the bigger room.

It's still the best decision and now finally, after several arguments, dh agrees with me.

Swap the rooms now.

Maybe it's time to bite the bullet!

We've tried with the mother she says it's not her choice and as frustrating as it is it's an absolute waste of time trying to reason with her! Dsd has had it explained numerous times about money etc but she doesn't change she sees us with cars and I've got a horse and doesn't see the fact we both work for all these things no matter how many times it's instilled!

OH wants to say this is how it is if you don't want to come fine so it's with him he also wants to change the rooms so il leave it to him it's me whose pandering i just don't want the blame later and now from MIL but as others have said i don't think there's much more we can do!

Try to ignore the mil.
If she wants to try and buy dsd, then that's her decision.
I would just invite dsd to do normal family things and if she doesn't come then so be it.

If you continue to offer amazing days out, when she demands it, then (as she gets older) she'll probably up the ante and start asking for iphones etc.

If the Ex is as materialistic as you say then perhaps a suggestion that no contact = no maintenance might focus the Ex's mind?

This is a disgraceful suggestion - children aren't pay per view!

Certainly, there should be a restriction on extras, and topups, but both parents have a financial responsibility to to support their children in law, and refusing to pay legally required maintenance because you don't see your child is beyond the pail. Getting into debt with CMS/CSA is a nightmare for the NRHousehold, too.

(And before you call me a stepmother hating bitch - read my post above about my own DSC).