Losing my mind and need perspective...

[Gettingmeback]

Ok. Many of you lovely MNs read my thread four weeks ago when my DH told me (1 day ahead) my DSD would be staying with us for four weeks. Lots of tears and emotional turmoil and husband saying he knows he did the wrong thing not discussing it, "I've learnt so much about myself" his words. Blah blah. But, I didn't think blah blah, I believed his words and felt he really understood how disrespectful this was. Anyway, four weeks was up on Wednesday. DSD during normal circumstances goes to her mums on Friday so I didn't think anything of it. Until I came home tonight (to be clear we are in Oz so later time zone), and DSD still here. Said to DH when exactly will DSD return to DM. Apparently Sunday. I said did you think to tell me that? He says, I said four weeks. I say, yes, that ended on Wednesday. He rolls his eyes which I know his his way of saying what does it matter if it's an extra few days. In my mind, nothing has been learnt. He's now moping around the house playing victim. I'm fucking furious. Thoughts please guys?

I feel your pain. I too have had the "rolling eyes" - as far as DH was concerned, having DSS for a 'few more days' would have been just fine, no big deal, and he wouldn't understand what all the fuss was about.

But for you, you've had DSD for a month, you're not related to her, so you must feel like you've had visitors for a month, and you're probably counting the minutes til she goes back home.

I can understand the difference in perspectives, but not the secrecy and duplicity that accompanies the arrangements. I bet your DH didn't mention she was staying til Sunday because he knew you wouldn't like it (not surprisingly).

Have you managed to have any discussions about access if your DH has to go away on that training course?

Apart from anything else I'd insist that from now on he not only discusses all contact with you - or at least any outside whatever "normal" arrangement you have - but also clearly writes, on a calendar the date she'll be arriving and the date she'll be leaving.

That way there can be no misunderstandings .... no "a few days" which actually mean 10, no "weeks" that suddenly have 11 days in them instead of 7 and so on. Him having to write dates down will mean he HAS to be honest (and respectful) because he won't be able to hide (and arguably therefore always get his own way) behind being deliberately vague.

Really feel for you ..... I can imagine that you've been anticipating this weekend and looking forward to it for a very long time.

Ah yes, vagueness. If a man is vague about access, it's probably because he knows that being precise will cause an argument.

The calendar is a really good idea, and a very durable pen to go with it, so then entries can't be erased or changed.

We used to get the same thing no arrangement made till the Saturday and then supposed to be going home Sunday morning turning into Monday night on a bank holiday and our plans cancelled or suddenly for 3! Worse than that forgive me if I'm remembering your thread wrongly but don't u end up doing a lot of the care like me? In that case it's not just an extra visitor for a few days it's u babysitting too!

Thanks Petal. We did discuss the course during the period of "I've learnt so much about myself" and he said I know DSD is not your responsibility during this time. Didn't get to what this means for his responsibilities though. You're so right. I have steeled myself for the last month knowing this is life but thought when I came home today we hD the weekend together. And I've just lost it. And I feel so angry with DH because DSD shouldn't have to feel this energy. If he'd communicated with me I would have known she was here for the weekend and there would be no issue. What's with the eye rolling?

Thanks Petal, Cats and Elizabeth. I know you're right, but I must say I have an issue with having to use a calendar to promote honesty. But, as I say I know you are right. But TBH I am startu go to think he will even fill it in I accurately!

To angry to type articulately
*would he even fill it in accurately

I agree that honesty should prevail without the use of a calendar and permanent ink (!) however honesty and access tend not to go together, even with men who are usually honest about everything else.

And enforcing a 'going back to home' deadline is very hard indeed when the child is already in your home, it's not as if you'd ever physically turf them out.

I agree Petal. I don't use terminology like ' go back home' because DSD is 50/50 so she has 2 homes. But, I did say when is she going to see her mother? She's spent the last week emotional and crying missing her mum.

I'm sorry for you.

I have done this to dh several times and he rightly goes nuts. (I've never done the whole month and a bit thing, mind)

I have said oh Ds is not going to his dads this weekend, and then I might swan off in the evening. I can't explain what was going on in my head - it's something like- huh, it's ds home too, what difference does it make, and not clearly knowing the plans in advance either and kind of not wanting to know too because I was enjoying the status quo of having him here.

Just keep banging the it's disrespectful drum and it will get through eventually!

Thanks John. I completely understand what you're saying. DH is happier when we're all together and I'm happier when it's just him and I. I totally understand the conflict of it. I hope I am clear that it is the lack of discussing things that I find intolerable.

We have a calendar on the wall and the DSC's movements are written on it. I'd expect to know which day they're with us til and roughly what time too. That's only reasonable and I make sure my own DC's whereabouts are written up too. That's a much better way of avoiding misunderstandings.

A month is a long time for a child to be away from either parent. Not surprised your DSD is missing her mum :( Is her mum a bit flaky and the extra few days caused by her being vague about her plans or changing them? Or did your DP know exactly when she was going back but not bother telling you?

Purple, history would tell me it could be either. It could be that DH always knew the date, ut it's just as likely that her mother is back from overseas, made other plans and DH has extended the dates. I think if it's the latter, and DSDs mum is back, and DH has accepted an extension of the date after all the emotional turmoil we went through ( and I thought he went through) at the start of all this, I think we're probably doomed.

That's shocking. Have you got a nephew?? Friends child? Make an excuse to baby sit then have some problem that they need to stay an extra night. He'll soon get message!

If it's been extended, it's possible your DP is being vague about it because he's trying to protect DSD from being hurt about her DM letting her down. I think you need to push him to be honest with you, but if it does turn out that his ex has been messing him around that's going to be harder to deal with than if it's simply him failing to communicate with you.

Would you be able to write down everything you've said here expressing strongly that it's not the fact of her staying, its the fact of him not discussing with you.

I think it would help him to see it in black and white, and give him a few days to mull it over.

TBH, I still struggle with having 'to discuss' all the time, stuff pertaining to me and my son. I know that sounds awful and it is, so I'm trying to change it! The thing is my instinct, when discussing things with DS dad is always to say, "Yeah great, we'll have him then" and not, "hold on I need to check with DH first." I know DH feels its disrespectful - but I for sure, don't want to disrespect him at all, its not intentional in any way - and I don't imagine it is for your DH either.