Father and son

[broodynmoody]

Hello

My partner sepereated from his ex girlfriend when he's son was only a few month old. It was a mutual decision as they weren't getting along. My partner has always said how he always wanted a boy and was chuffed stiff when she said they were having a boy though he said he wasn't happy at her being pregnant. Now when we're in the middle of trying to conceive our own child, he's non stop talking about how he's going to go football and boxing with his son when he gets older (he's currently 2). Its made me feel really really low. I feel like he already has his boy he's not bothered about us having a child. He of course says he does but hes actions say different. I feel hurt and angry that he will be doing all the father son things with another womans child whom hes never lived with. I feel second best and my child will be. Anyone had this?

'Reading that again, I think it's possible too that your DH might be afraid (irrationally, again, perhaps, and maybe not even consciously!) of what will happen with the child you are TTC. He has already missed out on a lot with his older child, and it would be understandable if having a child with you made him feel quite vulnerable - some part of him might need reassurance that he WILL be able to do all these things he is talking about, with your child. That might be why he is talking about going to ball games etc now - it seems insensitive to your feelings, but maybe in a way it is him asking for reassurance just like you need yourself - am I making any sense here?'

Yes, loads

Definitely brdgrl!!!

Stepmum bingo though, I'm holding my sides. I'm new here clearly but I take it this happens a lot.

Honestly do we need any more proof what a thankless thing step parenting is, when folks care enough to chat something through to try to be the best step parent they can be get nothing but 'you should be grateful you have a stepchild, voicing a single parental fear must mean you despise them'.

Seriously ladies it's the step parents who DON'T talk you need to worry about

Some men are of the mindset that until they hold that baby in their arms they don't feel any bond there ,whereas us women feel it as soon as we find out. Maybe he can't picture another child yet until the baby is actually here if that makes sense. When I was pregnant with my second ,I really couldn't fathom out how I was meant to feel the same for this child BUT I can honestly say now I love both my children equally. Oh and of you're worried about having a girl and that he won't be as interested that won't happen. I have always wanted boys but my second is a girl.

Seriously ladies it's the step parents who DON'T talk you need to worry about
Very true!

Maybe he can't picture another child yet until the baby is actually here if that makes sense.
Yes, I think that makes sense...I mean, I don't think a man who doesn't want kids automatically overcomes that when he's holding a baby in his arms, but a man who does can still have trouble feeling that it is "real" until it is in the world.

My DH didn't really even want to TTC. Well, that's putting it badly - we wouldn't have TTC together if he really didn't want to - but it is accurate to say that it was an idea he 'came around to' after some initial doubt - he's older, and had (pretty reasonably) assumed before he met me that he was done with the 'having kids' thing...his older ones were pre-teens already, and he'd say that he was looking towards the light at the end of the tunnel, not jumping back in to baby care, sleepless nights, and 18 more years of hands-on parenting! But he's a complete sap when it comes to DD. No question in my mind that he now would say she was the best thing to ever happen to him, not because he loves his older kids any less - at all - but because he feels that she brought them all a bit of happiness which they really needed. So he loves DD for herself, but also for what she's given him and his other children.

Hi broodynmoody

You've been very honest on here and it's really good that you are examining your feelings about it all. I'm not a step parent, but my exp and father to my DS has gone on to have two more DC with his (now) wife and so I have experience from the that side. I also am now married and have two more DCs with my DH.

Firstly, don't feel guilty about these feelings of jealousy, emotions are irrational and you're not exactly in control of them! Does your DP have regular contact with his DS at the moment and do you? I ask as there was a period of time when I felt sick to my stomach at the thought of my son spending time with his dad and his new partners (that makes him sound bad but he actually settled after only a short period of dating and maybe two Gfs!) But in the early days I had to swallow those feeing until contact was established and I realised that exp and his GF were nice people and that their relationship with our son didn't threaten mine and enriched all of our lives. Basically, I got used to the idea and began to appreciate the happiness it brought to my son and was glad of their relationship. It might take a while for you to reach that point but considering your DP wants a relationship with his DS I would say it's a point you need to aim for. There should be no reason why you aren't in the park kicking the ball around with the both of them! FWIW, my DS's (half, although we don't tend to use the half bit) brothers on his dads side adore him and he dotes on them back. It's really wonderful to see and gives me a really warm feeling when we meet up

Now from my point of view, as someone who has had more children with someone who hasn't already got any, doing it again but this time with someone who is right for me made the experience so much richer. I'm sure your DP is really looking forward to this chapter in your lives otherwise you wouldn't be ttc. Things were calmer, I wasn't resentful or stressed and could really look forward to it all. The experience and wonder of it all was different with every child I've had and the fact that I'd "been there, done that" never caused tension between my DH and me. Watching my wonderful DH become a parent, and becoming a parent again with him to OUR child was amazing. I also really loved watching my DS form close bonds with his younger siblings. It would be a shame for all if these feelings (whilst understandable) coloured the situation for you all.

Give yourself some time, spend some time with your Dp and his DS (your DSS). Hth x

Sorry that was so looong!!!

For heavens sake I've experienced as much jealousy as the next person but I truly believe it was the right thing to figure stuff out before TTC. It felt as though we waited forever to try while my stepkids were settled and I found that really hard.

But being settled as a stepmum before adding another child was the best way to go. Now I'm not even saying that OP ought to be an involved stepmum, simply that unless she can make peace with the idea that her PFB won't be her partners PFB, she's likely to have a harder time of things. Especially if she has a particularly emotional pregnancy.

Waiting, I don't completely disagree - but unless I missed it, I don't see where the OP indicates she is 'unsettled' as a stepmum.
On the other hand, after six years, I am not sure I would describe myself as "settled as a stepmum" - I'm not really sure what you mean by it, maybe - and yet waiting for or not having DD would never be/have been an option.

Settled as a stepmum ffs I am not settles as mum let alone stepmum.

Passes waiting a grip

Wanton what a nice mum you are. Made me smile a lot.

Generally not sure what the heck settled is as any kind of parent, any parent who says they feel 100% confident 100% of the time is a dreadful fibber! In fact why would this entire website be needed........................

How does settled mean 100% confident? I simply mean we'd got into some kind of routine just as you settle into a new house or a new a school.